[troubled33]

So basically me and my girlfriend are about to embark on 2 years. We have broken up once for a month and another time for 3 months... both times I broke up with her and for whatever reason I came back. Obviously I am in the same boat again... for whatever reason I'm just not sure if we are right for each other. I think she is an unbelievable person with a great heart but how much does that really matter considering there are probably other great people out there? I don't necessarily love having sex with her and I find other women VERY attractive (and yes she is very attractive). I don't hate the sex, but I don't initiate much. We get along and don't fight very often at all. I think we are on two different levels intellectually and she is more of a follower and myself a leader. Is this good or bad (2 leaders could create conflict right?)? She supports me and loves me and is totally into this and I consistently find myself questioning our relationship. She does whatever I want to do and it is obvious that I have the "upper hand" in the relationship but I'm not sure if I want it. She is financially stupid and I am financially well off... I pay for everything and buy a lot for her.

Sometimes I think that relationships at this point are a decision and you can go left or right... convince the brain that it's the right way to go and then you become fully enveloped and committed to that decision and hence feelings change toward that direction you committed to. That may not be correct at all and the discontent nature of this relationship could actually be my brain and heart battling? All of my life, I would date someone for a week or two or a month and then after finding no real feelings... I would leave. Why have I kept coming back to her? Maybe there's people that no matter how hard they try to love someone their commitment issues are so deep a relationship is not possible. Or maybe "commitment issues" are just boloney and God's way of saying that you need to exit the relationship because that person is not right for you. Appreciate anyone's honest effort in helping.

[WisperWill70]

This is about you, not her. When you have to deal with your feelings about commitment (really putting your energy into a relationship or partner) part of you goes into fear and wants to bail out - you find excuses for why there is deadness or dissatisfaction in the relationship -- things go great for awhile in your relationships but then you're full of doubts and when you can't feel those "Real feelings" - you leave. When you throw a relationship away, this represents a power struggle and you're trying to gain control instead of moving forward into the relationship. You become the "independent" partner and the other person lives out the "dependent" role. The person in the dependent role always has more "feelings" and more investment in the relationship than the independent one. She's totally into it and you're the "questioner" -- - Listen to how you're talking about your girlfriend in insulting terms - the sex is lousy (why is that? You don't elaborate) She's financially "stupid" -- she depends on you and does what you say. -- In fact, her feelings of wellbeing are tied to YOU and the more negative-independence you go into -- the more you distance yourself from her (which is really because you don't want to be hurt, hiding old heartbreak) the more she's needy and afraid. Sound familiar?
(oh and sometimes YOU'RE the needy/dependent role - it can flip back and forth - sometimes you rely on her support or you might turn into a big baby and need her to support, love, fix, care-take)

At some point, with someone, somewhere, you're going to have to give up all this control in order to surrender to a relationship, communicate, move towards your "dependent" partner and give in! Instead of all these fears (which are about failure, loss, heart-ache, guilt, etc.) pick a new way... it's up to you. You can end up "powerful" and independent and ALONE
Or you can commit to your relationship. You might want to do what you want and not be possessed but think of how lonely you sometimes are... does it really work?

It's not God's way of saying, "oh this person isn't right and someone else could be better" that's all fear talk-- your unwillingness to be present and loving. It's up to you whether to stay or go... up to you if you need to be superior, "in control" and alone... but your relationships could feel better (less dead or unequal) and last longer if you work on this in yourself.

[WisperWill70]

And yes -- when you commit yourself -- your feelings change about what you're committing to, the power struggle can end and you can find the way forward (including new passion,

convince the brain that it's the right way to go and then you become fully enveloped and committed to that decision and hence feelings change toward that direction you committed to

[troubled33]

Oo

[troubled33]

I really appreciate your post and feedback. After reading this post yesterday I was feeling much better about the situation (I guess it was what I was WANTING to hear) and decided to do something nice for her. After being out with her for several hours with her and her friends I couldn't help but become extremely irritated with her behavior and actions. Then I completely went the opposite direction again... Are her actions of immaturity and (4 years younger... me 28... her 24) the inability to abstain from wildly inappropriate behavior another thing that I need to learn to deal with or is this something I should once again suck up and deal with? I once again ended the day feeling completely not attracted to her and wanting nothing to do with the physical...

[WisperWill70]

Only you can tell... her "wildly immature" behaviour -- without knowing anything about it could be real or it could be you not accepting how she really is or communicating with her to clear up a misunderstanding, assumption or problem.

(Communicating would include trying to learn about her experience and sharing yours without being judgemental, critical or instigating a fight) MOST of the time -- when someone is really irritating us -they don't intend to hurt us and we're projecting something.

What is it?

What's up with you and sex? This is the second time you've mentioned physical attraction and yet you claim she's attractive? ---

Also I notice that you say when she's with her friends (I assume at a club or party or something) you don't like her behaviour... what are you talking about? Does she make you insecure? Is there something about her sexuality that makes you uncomfortable?

Can't tell if you're overreacting without more info

[troubled33]

At one point we had a healthy sexual relationship, however there is just no desire for her on my end. It feels like more of a chore than a perk and something that needs to be done just in order to satisfy an obligation. How could I of once been so attracted to her and then not? I don't get that... Is this natural/normal?'

Everyone is constantly asking "when are you going to get married" and stuff of that nature... and I just think to myself that if we were going to get married, shouldn't things be better? Shouldn't we want to be around each other all the time and shouldn't the physical side still be very passionate and enjoyable?

[WisperWill70]

No it's not normal. Honestly, this sounds like part of your epic Ego struggle (more than the average bear) about relationship. It's normal for people to have sexual desires that change during a relationship and to ebb a bit now and then but your words "Obligation, a chore" indicate more of the aforementioned withdrawal and independence that marks ALL your relationships (not just with this one lady). Where you only get so far before you start "checking out" in your mind and finding trouble and deadness and lack of passion.

You haven't come up with one "reason" why this attractive lady you used to be so hot for repulses you so much.

You have not learned to go from the passion stage of relationships (the intensity of infatuation, propelled by lots of great brain chemistry and sexual attraction) to the stages (including the internal battle for control) that comes later in all relationships. Almost everyone experiences the shadow-side to relationship (where our fears pop out and where we have to get to the next level of actually CARING about and accepting our partner, committing, etc.) after the initial rush of attraction. Getting through it is rewarding! The more people on the outside pressure you about the next steps in relationship (When are you guys getting married?) the more you turn to your independence and fear -- is this getting wrapped up in your sexuality?

You also seem to be using an artificial story about relationships so that when it (naturally) never happens -- you have an excuse to distance.

"Shouldn't we want to be together all the time?" NO! You shouldn't want to be together all the time and be in absolute animal lust all the time as your relationship grows. Expecting that is unrealistic -- however you're on the other side of the extreme where you are sexually repulsed.

I suggest counseling to help you through your sexual feelings (this has happened before?) and any hidden guilt or disgust you have about the topic and to better understand how normal adult relationships grow.

You might also uncover or understand better those things that happened to you that hurt your heart or caused you to deeply mistrust relationships/going forward.