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JANNYPOO · Jun 25, 2012, 09:18 AM

I was together with a lovely guy for 7 years but was just out of an abusive relationship and head all over the place. I had been controlled for so long and scared and beaten that I have only just recovered after 13 years of leaving.

I also got health problems, work problems, weight issues, plus my new guy whilst amazing got himself into financial scrapes so I felt very insecure and wouldn't commit. I tried to help him sort out his affairs but he didn't take kindly to it and we split after 7 years but remained friends, it was his choice.

We have spoken every day since, been on holidays and weekends with friends. This has been the case for 6 years and neither of us seriously looked for anyone else. 2 weeks ago he told me he started seeing someone 6 months ago but it had got serious in the last few. He wanted to tell me but didn't want to hurt me as I care for Mum with Alzheimer's and she's had 2 broken hips, pneumonia and mental decline since then.

I feel torn apart and think I still love him. No one understands as we haven't been together for so long but I hoped for us to be together. I feel so desperate as can't get out, have no social life now and can't bear thought of him with someone else. How can I get over this?

Homegirl 50 · Jun 25, 2012, 10:31 AM

For one thing you need to stop communicating with him. You say you two broke up but you didn't. You just friends with benefits for 6 years. Now he has basically dumped you.
Don't have anymore contact with him. It is going to take a while as you seem to have no outlets. But you need to cut him off.
And get angry. He broke up with you and then used you for six years. That was low.

JANNYPOO · Jun 25, 2012, 03:59 PM

He's been a really kind friend and wants to stay friends. I do believe he cares about me and my Mum but wants to move on with his life. He has given me no reason to get back together, I just hoped.

I just can't cope with the thought of him being intimate (mentally) with someone else.

JANNYPOO · Jun 25, 2012, 04:01 PM

We were only platonic friends after we split, no benefits so he hasn't really used me I don't think.

JANNYPOO · Jun 25, 2012, 04:06 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

For one thing you need to stop communicating with him. You say you two broke up but you didn't. You just friends with benefits for 6 years. Now he has basically dumped you.
Don't have anymore contact with him. It is going to take a while as you seem to have no outlets. But you need to cut him off.
And get angry. He broke up with you and then used you for six years. That was low.

He's been a really kind friend and wants to stay friends. I do believe he cares about me and my Mum but wants to move on with his life. He has given me no reason to think we would get back together, I just hoped.

I just can't cope with the thought of him being intimate (mentally) with someone else. And we were platonic post split. He wants an active role as a friend in my life and I don't want him out of it but can't cope with the thought of him with someone else.

slapshot_oi · Jun 25, 2012, 04:21 PM

Originally Posted by JANNYPOO

How can I get over this?

Stop talking to him. Your "friendship" has prevented you from moving on successfully.

Six years is a long time and because of this, cutting all communication with him will be break-up part II.

Homegirl 50 · Jun 25, 2012, 05:27 PM

Continuing the friendship right now would be too painful for you. Just pull back until the pain is gone.

JANNYPOO · Jun 26, 2012, 02:02 AM

Feel as though I can't live with him out of my life. I have a few other good friends but they don't live locally and don't really understand how I feel. I have a sister who helps out but all on her terms and I have to clear up after her and a brother who has health problems but still works and doesn't help.

All this strain is making me unable to cope and if I want any sort of life I won't be able to care for Mum who is lovely but increasingly confused and putting her in a home would kill me. I just feel all doors are being shut in my face.

My ex has been a great support to me in all this, if I cut him out I think I will go under. I'm not mentally strong or confident as a result of the abuse. It's just such a shock to hear he is now serious and as far as I knew he was single until 2 weeks ago.

I'm not sure if I can carry on or if I want to. Only thing keeping me going is that Mum needs me as if she went in a home she would be in torment. She goes very disturbed in hospital but much better at home. I have no life though.

JANNYPOO · Jun 26, 2012, 02:04 AM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Continuing the friendship right now would be too painful for you. Just pull back until the pain is gone.

Feel as though I can't live with him out of my life. I have a few other good friends but they don't live locally and don't really understand how I feel. I have a sister who helps out but all on her terms and I have to clear up after her and a brother who has health problems but still works and doesn't help.

All this strain is making me unable to cope and if I want any sort of life I won't be able to care for Mum who is lovely but increasingly confused and putting her in a home would kill me. I just feel all doors are being shut in my face.

My ex has been a great support to me in all this, if I cut him out I think I will go under. I'm not mentally strong or confident as a result of the abuse. It's just such a shock to hear he is now serious and as far as I knew he was single until 2 weeks ago.

I'm not sure if I can carry on or if I want to. Only thing keeping me going is that Mum needs me as if she went in a home she would be in torment. She goes very disturbed in hospital but much better at home. I have no life though.

Homegirl 50 · Jun 26, 2012, 08:52 AM

My mother in law had Alzheimer's and after a while a Home is the safest and best place for them. She will get to the stage where she won't know you or where she is and will be difficult to handle.
You need a life. This guy should have prepared you for this knowing how fragile you are.
Let your sister help you. One night a week, go out. Go to a movie or the Library or someplace. Make some time for yourself. Maybe get some counseling. You will need that with what you are going through with your mom
I wish you well.

JANNYPOO · Jun 26, 2012, 09:48 AM

Thanks x

fairytail · Jun 26, 2012, 09:56 AM

Heyy... I 2 had been stuck in a relationship with a guy who loved me initially but with time he moved on while I was still there... for the last 6 years I tried so many times to get him to love me.I prayed and I cried but nothing... he moved on.. even today he wants me to be in his life as his best friend... I also used to think like you that I have no one and no good friends but trust me once you are out of it you will see and realise the world around you.it will get better and better.I wasn't able to pull out of the relationship completely and even today I talk to him but with time I made my yearnings for him under control... now I call him like once in 15 days and I don't even think about him all day... so hv courage and patience and you will move on with time and yes the world is full of wonderful people...