[onemanband]

I'll try to keep this short. I have been dating this girl for about 3 months now, she is 21, I'm 25. I am American, she is from Ecuador. I was engaged in the past and we broke up before getting married. The only reason I say that is because the whole time I was with that girl, I never felt the way about her as I do about my current girl. The way we look at each other, our ourselves and don't hide anything. We live about 40 minutes apart, so we see each other usually on Thursday night and one night on the weekend. We talk about 3-4 times per week. I spend a lot of my time thinking about her and I have declined/not pursued about 4-5 other girls I've met since we began seeing each other, we've never talked about not seeing other people, if she would bring it up, I would agree. I'm not real sure about all of the questions I have, but I need to talk about this. I have been (we both have I think) holding back of seeing more of each other for about the last month, I think we are both afraid to get hurt, we've even said so to each other, both our last relationships ended when we got cheated on. I guess one of my questions is, should I talk to her about seeing more of her or just start calling her more? I know it should come naturally and just happen, but I don't want to come on too strong, me keeping busy has been working for me so far, but I really feel for some reason, that we should be seeing more of each other. I guess maybe I'm nervous that she doesn't want to see me more, she's happy with the way things are? I don't know, are their anyway to find that out without being obvious? I know I'm rambling, but this girl has me spinning and when we hang out she certainly appears to be in even deeper than me, I guess I'm just worried I'm going to get hurt, but recently I thought about that for awhile and I wouldn't be able to live with myself down the road if I never found out. She talks about the future and kids with me all the time, the last few times we hung out on thursdays, it hasn't ended well, her one friend left because she was talking to some guy or something, I don't know but I just stayed out of it, but I had to take her friend home in the middle of the night. Thanks for your opinions in advance, and I'm sure I'll think of more questions.

[valinors_sorrow]

Slow down, slow way way down. That is what both your previous relationships should have taught you both. Three months is not enough time to be thinking like you're thinking or talking the way she is talking -- kids? Come on! You say you don't hide anything but here is all this anxiety you are hiding from her and you are guessing about her too -- that doesn't sound as open as you say it is?

Don't be putting so much pressure on what you do or say -- concentrate on being the best you possible and enjoying it for what it is-- never mind what it does to her. I mean it. Act honorably and let what comes come. You cannot become involved with someone without risking being hurt. But that involvement needs to be slow. You two need time to build trust, lots and lots of time doing lots and lots of different things in different settings where you get in and out of little scuffles and as a result you learn how to talk openly and negotiate things between you. You are not there yet.

First you crawl, then walk, then run but not without a lot of stumbling in the mix. I see you being overly hyper while being recklessly fast all over again. Overly hypervigilant won't help. Slowing down will. You're moving so fast, you've lost yourself. Stop and find you again now!

[talaniman]

Val's right on as 3 months is not enough time to know each other. Resist the urge that those high emotional feelings bring, and relax and take your time having fun and enjoying each other, as you get to know one another. Its much to early on to fall head first into this. Keep your life you had before you met, and make a little time for her also.

[shygrneyzs]

I would concentrate more on enjoying the times you have with her now, rather than push into any further. You are right in saying that things will develop naturally, so there is no need to speed this up. Val and Tal are exactly right - three months is not a long enough time to be together. Right now you could both be in the "infatuation" phase. Go through and read some posts from people who flew into serious relationships and the consequences. They just did not give each other and the relationship enough time to mature. They were more concentrated on on the target rather than nurturing the relationship. A very good book, written by Dr. Paris Finner-Williams is called, "Single Wisdom." It will help cool you down a bit and get your thoughts centered on developing a mature relationship.