[Hazel Eyes]

I have been married going on 9 years and together for 15. My husband and I are high school sweethearts and very much in love until about 3 years ago. We have two very young children of the marriage, matrimonial property, and financial debt. He works a physical job (self-employed) and I have a professional career.

Throughout our marriage our sex-life has suffered, it would be gone for 6-8 months (once to twice a month) and then for about a month out of the year it's fantastic. I love him very much and therefore rarely concentrated our marriage on the physical aspect. I believe that sex is a benefit but not the core of a relationship - emotional and spiritual connection is more important to me. I am a very physical individual and believe that, sex should not be neglected; it to me is a reinforcement of that love – intimacy. My physical needs have been sacrificed in this marriage and even before children. Of course, I have experimented with self-remedies to not go outside of the marriage and actually, I had not contemplated it at any point and time. I had noticed a drastic change in him since the engagement but thought it may be stress related. So, carrying on, I have remained loyal to him for 12 years and I have had two other partners which occurred in the duration of our break ups at 17 and 18 years old - I am now 31. Since then I have remained loyal and have never committed adultery or entertained the idea. I have a high pressure career, two small children, cooking, cleaning, laundry, bathing, walking the dog and roles and responsibilities. I take on most of the work around the house though he does do the fixings and lawn work – I budget our finances and assist in the business. I rarely go anywhere because of my lack of time and not as a result of lack of time management. Therefore I am at work or home. We do date night and we do spend time as a family here and there but for the most part – I am alone. I divulged myself to work and a glass of wine a night. This is my life.

To give you the reasoning before my betrayal to him, I will confirm that in the past my brother-in-law (my other sisters husband) had found opened condoms in his work van (years before the engagement), sometimes show up at home showered and changed though he worked all day – amongst other things too long to post. I have had a few condoms go missing last year, I have found erectile pills, I have found stashes of porn everywhere but he hides it (lies having it to my face) or even yet, uses my stash but cannot sexually experiment with me as I believe that this is his escapism and his “private” world – not to have me in – reasonably, though everyone sees it – I let it go and suffer little to infrequent sex – I accepted it because I can’t do anything about it. I have tried to engage him - to turning porn on and self-pleasing, belly dancing, dress up and toys – sexy lingerie, sex talk…you name it. We do get nice breaks from the kids so there is no reason we can’t try to just do it – I love role play and I LOVE MAKING LOVE OR JUST HAVING SEX WITH HIM. I feel rejected and unattractive as a direct result…he knows that! I gave up trying and just accepted that “it is what it is”. Little did I know it was a result to his sex addiction but it went spiralling out of control? Basically, from innocent porn to bigger things.

Then three years ago I found a text to my sister “dreaming of you sexy (blush face)” and more compromising and obvious statements that something was going on…something just told me to check his phone (please note that I have never invaded his privacy – just a gut intuition, I followed it and breached his privacy) I have never been cheated on and carry my own self confidence so please do not think I was playing FBI – I had never done so in the past though I did have reason to believe that something was not right. Anyway…he noticed his phone gone right away and slammed on the door yelling for his phone – I locked myself in the bathroom lol. The history behind my sister is also very shaky. I give her the benefit of the doubt in pursuit for love but she lived with our first cousin for 7 years as basically his wife, then cheated on him with a married man, then cheated on him with her current attached partner which she cheated on him three times and now has a one year long distance relationship with a man half her age in another country (30 and 46). Her current partners parent has deceased and she just notified him that she is getting married to this guy our family doesn’t even know. She is a large breasted beautiful woman and one of my husband’s things is breasts. Now, I can’t get into too much detail because I just don’t think I can post all of this – too much…but I observed the physical and non-physical reactions and it all came to pieces…I confronted and it was an outright denial – though my sister decided to tell me a story about the spoiled one, the abuser and the whatever person…stupid story which I challenged her on asking what the heck are you talking about? She couldn’t give me anything but I know something happened…I let it go even in light of the sex-texting back and forth (phone records of the constant everyday calls as well)…have nothing tangible. However, the relationships are strained as a result of my inquiry. This came to pass and my sister and I became close again (as if it never happened), still the looks and the feelings I get is un-mistakenly deniable – all intuition but again, I am not a person of initiation – just facts and practical approaches. I have always been a solid, honest, direct and trustworthy person.
I let it go and everything else as mentioned above (condoms, pills, extra clothes in the vehicle, coming home late (any where’s from 9 p.m. to to a.m.)) ALL THIS TIME. I had a “feeling” something was wrong in March 2011 and again breached his privacy to the phone and found a text from a number saying “in my eyes it never happened”, March 2011 on a Saturday at 5 p.m. a voice text message to me saying “I love you too baby (saying it in a yelling moan followed by a woman’s moan (uhhh, uhhh))”…I thought maybe he’s watching porn but – I am at home with the children and he should be working…?? I let it go trying not to focus on the negative things…then I found on our bill that there were a lot of calls placed to a female mutual friend (which her husband wanted to have sex with me and asked my husband to swap)…he’s a looser and she is needy because of his gambling and addiction. I have told him that just keep it work related – don’t get involved as they are not our friends but…he continued the going out with him (stating “me and him are exactly alike”). So 2011 I was at home by myself all the time…dinners went cold…I was alone. End of November 2011 I put my foot down and said if it does not stop – I wanted a Divorce. Better to be alone then to be with someone, waiting, waiting, waiting, disappointed, hurt, lonely…better to be alone and happy. He ceased going out on that frequent basis and started to come home by no later than 7 p.m. – all those times the money wasn’t that good so I knew something was up but again…let it go. I just want my family together. February 2012, accounting for the business – I found February 2011 and November 2011 he had called escorts after 1 a.m. he didn’t come home both those nights…I also found the $450 withdrawal confirmations from the business account (I Googled and found the Escorts – Full Meal Deal $450.00)…I puked. February 2012 I found a cash hotel receipt and found the confirmation of the reservation by phone record just days before the 14th. I had a Big Mac for Valentines LMFAO! Really?? Now I am laughing right? Not funny…I went through a downward emotional spiral and sought legal advice from a good friend…he reconfirmed my thoughts. Two weeks ago I made the decision to meet a man to see if I was attractive and desirable – just a meet…to see what was wrong with me. Well my hubby stopped that – in short threatened Divorce (please note I have not left out of the house for over 3 years on a girls night or anything)…I became upset and cancelled my meeting to concentrate on family affairs – though of course I gave him an earful of upset remarks. He then tried to retract and push me out the door but the damage was done for me and I stayed home.

Last week, he left out of town and his brother came by…I told him (I couldn’t self-contain anymore) and he reconfirmed my WORST NIGHTMARE. He confirmed to me that my husband had slept with my sister two times 3 years ago – my husband apparently told him out of guilt. Omg, I dropped the kids off to the grandparents and his brother came over, I started drinking wine and all the combinations of hurt, vulnerability, influence and years, years of neglect – we made love. This wasn’t just sex. He left, then came back the next morning and it happened again, then he came back the next day and it happened two more times….. omg what have I done? I had sex with his brother out of vengeance, anger, frustration, broken heart and pent up sexual neglect. I should have seen the stranger and out of all the 50,000 men – it was him. He talked with me for hours on end, we laughed, I cried, I cried, I said that I don’t know what happened…I don’t know why this is all happening. I asked him why he would tell me this information regarding my sister and my husband…he couldn’t he said but since I shown him the phone and financial records – he gave it up. That one thing, I can’t live with and so to deflected it – I had sex with his brother…god what did I do? I am now no better than him and I think I can let all of it go to move forward. Problem is, his brother, I think he has more feelings for me then I thought – though he assured me it was just sex. Now – The Stupidest Thing Someone Can Do is WHAT I DID! It was a heated, in-the-moment bad decision I have to live with pending…this will never come out. I still want my marriage, I still love my husband and I still want my family together. I can forget this but I am afraid of the truth coming out…if it does there is no going back for either of us. We have lived through thick and thin but I have never compromised my values, strengths, traditions, moral, or beliefs EVER the way I just did – regardless of what he has done – I should have been the woman I have always been (Honorable, reliable, trustworthy). I was taken advantage of. Now something inside me is growing…me…I feel like a woman again – I know now, there was nothing wrong with me but it took the hours and hours of conversation and infidelity to re-discover I was a woman and it took the infidelity to rediscover my desires and sexual appetite – I love sex but I just want it with my husband. I want to regret this – I can’t! I can’t live with regret and guilt – I can’t do this to myself…I have a new view on life and marriage – traditions but I keep going in this vicious circle of regret, anger, sadness, happiness to hope and back again. His brother promised that he wouldn’t say anything – we are taking it to our graves but…now…I am just as selfish as my husband. Now I have to live with this decision and trust his brother to keep his mouth shut – though he said he has always wanted his life, the house, cars, sexy wife, two beautiful kids, the crazy dinners and the family unity. He wants more; he said that the way my husband talked about me he couldn’t believe it, that I was this diva just waiting to be rediscovered. He thinks my husband loves me but can’t decide what he wants in life and often revisits the “what if’s”. I am trying to come to terms with my actions and take responsibility but I know I can never ever tell my husband – the argument, my sister, the Escorts and the Hotel…I just want to put it behind me. I feel horrible because of the neglect to consider what my actions would do, impacting the children just as he and my sister neglected to consider me, kids and our entire family. Now I have tallied it…now we are even – can I move on? Well, so, I checked our phone bill and he started talking to my sister again and his phone is strapped to his hip again. Omg…tell me if my thoughts on this are wrong and they are as follows: 1) I am a mother, 2) I am a wife, 3) I am a daughter, 4) I am a sister, 5) I am a friend and 6) I am a woman…can I be all these things and forget the past and still go on diligently amongst my priorities and obligations, duties and responsibilities? Can I be a woman and still pursue her desires for love and romance? I have a circle of friends I have recently attracted…and continually moving forward – I have never been this sociable and I have not felt me in a long time. I can smile now…even though I should be downright ashamed…this type of infidelity is the breaker. I can forgive him but not she and I know my husband would not forgive either of us. What had happened to me and his brother was as a direct result of my husband’s actions. I hit the ground at my lowest and his brother picked me up, he is still my friend, I still love him but I can’t be that sexual attachment for him – my relationship with him will cease and desist. I know my husband will continue to cheat…I just don’t know. I need you people to give me your thoughts on this and I can handle the honest approach. Look I know what I did is un-refutably wrong and I also know that I love my husband and I made a huge mistake with the wrong man – I want my family. I really look forward to your thoughts and objective opinions as I cannot turn anywhere else.

[JudyKayTee]

I'm sorry but there are hundred of questions posted every day. This is not a blog site.

Can you summarize this into a question?

All I can see is you cheated and he cheated and a lot of "reasons" why - what is it that you are asking?

[Hazel Eyes]

I'm sorry but there are hundred of questions posted every day. This is not a blog site.

Can you summarize this into a question?

All I can see is you cheated and he cheated and a lot of "reasons" why - what is it that you are asking?

Thank you for your message and I appologize for the long blog. I wasn't aware, I should have read the disclosure in detail. Kind regrets - if there is an ability to edit I will shorten the blog to a question.

Basically, from the above I slept with my husbands brother. Just made a horrible decision.

[JudyKayTee]

And can your marriage recover from the decision?

Is that your concern?

[slapshot_oi]

Your husband cheats on you and you slept with is brother.

You probably should file for divorce.

[JudyKayTee]

Note that she still loves the brother - but will no longer be "sexual" with him.

I'd divorce the husband and trade him in for the brother.

I'm amused by the OP's defense - "What had happened to me and his brother was as a direct result of my husband’s actions." This is excusing yourself and blaming the innocent (although it appears that the husband is far from innocent) party at its finest.

In the meantime OP can scope out the rest of the family.

[Hazel Eyes]

I just want to forget this and move on. Should I arrange for marriage counselling... the relationship with the brother is done but he will always be a brother. I know I need to face this and everything else - I am finished with the pain.

[Hazel Eyes]

Bad mistake and it is not excused. The truth is - I freaked when I found out and lost all emotional control. I am fine now but now, I have to deal with this... just wondering what I should morally do now that I broke all the rules - including my own. Please note this isn't easy for me, I should have called for a meeting between us with a mediator and NOT HAVE DONE WHAT I DID... but I can't change time... what is done is done, it can not be undone.

[JudyKayTee]

To get any sort of peace, yes, you need to see a counsellor.