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Vally · Mar 7, 2007, 01:47 PM

I have been married to my husband for 5 years we have one child. I recently found chats on my husbands jump drive he had saved from his previouse job where he worked for 4 years. I bought him a new flash/jump drive and decided that I could use his old one he said no problem. I found hundreds of saved chats between him and an old female co-coworker that he told me they were just friends. The chats started it out friendly mind you this went on for 2 years. I was in shock when I read the IM Chats of what he thought of this woman and how she made him feel when he looked at her, I also remember this woman calling him, I found messages on his cell he had saved from her back then I confronted him and called this co-worker because she always started and ended the call by saying Sweety or Sweatheart to him. She said she had been cheated on by her husband and he ended up leaving her and she would never do that to anyone. This is my 2nd marriage and my first husband cheated on me and I finally left him.

I sat mortified reading these chats how they started friendly in a few and how he had named them all sweetypie, angel, cutie and so on. He states how beautiful she is and how she makes him feel when he looks at her, another one where he is telling her she is a MILF= Mom I'd like to **** just in case someone does not know, then a chat where he tells her that if he never met me how he would pursue her and he is still at work late that night and she tells him the stars are out and how nice it would be for them to be sitting together under the stars in each others arms. Not once in these chats does she tell my husband to stop but says he is a sweet talker and my husband in almost all these chats is saying how jealous he is of the few guys she did go out with and how pretty and beautiful she is.

I feel totally betrayed by my husband for lying to me. These chats were from 2 years ago and back then we had a lot of fights and he told me he had thought about leaving me, I was in shock I am a stay at home mother I am the only one who cares for our son who was only two years old at that time, my son had colic and did not sleep through the night till he was two years old my husband never helped me with our son, he said he had to work so I use to stay up with my son or go 2-4 days without sleep.

Sorry for going on for so long this is my first time posting. I do not trust my husband at all after this and not sure what to do, I am depressed everyday upon finding this and just do not feel like doing anything at all. We were getting along so well and I had thought we worked so hard on our marriage for this to happen and to know he had lied about this relationship with this person who to this day was still e-mailing him. I'm so confused on how to deal with this.

tickle · Mar 7, 2007, 02:03 PM

Have you actually sat down with him and discussed this problem. If the chats were on the hard drive he gave to you, maybe he was just begging to be found out so he could deal with it. I am putting this spin on it because if you two have had a solid relationship and a child then you MUST sit down with him and a counsellor to sort it out.

Vally · Mar 7, 2007, 02:27 PM

I did confront him mostly yelling as I was so upset, he said he forgot about them and I could tell he was surprised. He was so sorry and bought me flowers but it does not change how upset I am at him. I did forget to mention my husband has chatted with some woman from a sex website not sure how else to say and I found the chat a few months ago and swore it was the first time and he would never do it again. I just feel like I am married to a liar. I think you are right about counseling.

Marily · Mar 8, 2007, 03:35 AM

Are You Feeling Anything This? Your Husband Is Emotionaly Abusing You? He Doesn't Take Your Happiness And Feelings In Consideration? You Find It Hard Being Around Him Knowing What He Has Done? Everyday Feels Like Your Not Worthy Of Happiness. I Felt Like That 4 A Long Time. I Come To Terms To Accept That People Will Always Dissapoint U At Sometime. I Turned To The Only One That Could Have Helped Me With My Problems. 'jesus' He Could Take Your Pain Away If You'll Allow Him. Here Is My Email Address I Would Like To Help You Through This.

RubyPitbull · Mar 8, 2007, 02:18 PM

Marily, coming onto this website and assuming that you have the answers is not a constructive way to introduce yourself here on this forum.

Stating that you have come to terms and accept that people will always disappoint you is not something that is found in Jesus's teachings. I was disheartened to see your personal issues be brought onto someone else's post who is looking for some solid constructive advice on how to deal with her situation. Shame on you. It seems to me that you need to work on yourself a bit more before trying to save someone else.

Vally, tickle had the right answer for you here. It appears there is a major communication problem in your marriage. Your husband has just compounded this by throwing in a trust issue as well. You need to seek out a marriage counselor and insist he go with you if he wants to save your marriage. I am so sorry you are going through this. He needs an objective third party to tell him that flowers aren't going to solve this problem. You both need to understand why he is doing this and what he must do to change this destructive behavior if he truly wants to save his marriage to you. I wish you all the best.

talaniman · Mar 8, 2007, 02:34 PM

Somewhere along the lines the talking and listening stopped and has caused problems, because now you assume things instead of working to solve these glitches. Just as he has made you mad, I can almost guess that he has the same issues with you. Counseling would help, hollering wont!

Vally · Mar 8, 2007, 02:37 PM

Thank you both for your advice. I am in the process of finding a marriage counselor and told my husband this is something we need to do. I am depressed by this whole thing and need help from a 3rd party to get past this since it does hurt very much and I can't stop thinking about it.

Thank you again

Vally · Mar 8, 2007, 03:04 PM

I never assumed anything, the time that this was happening my husband also got accused by another co-worker of sexual harrasssment because of what him and this lady were doing. I was told by him and her that the 3rd party made up these lies because people backed out from helping her with her wedding. I just now saw from these saved chats that if I had worked with my husband and this lady I would have felt the same way as the co-worker making the claim for sexual harassment, seeing a married man massage another woman adjusting her shirt or hugging her everday and constantly flirting with her. He had typed all these in the chats he saved asking how she liked his massage or he would go and whisper in her ear. And on and on. When I did ask him even back then about the accusation he denied that they were nothing then just friends. I would never in my lifetime say MILF or call a married co-worker a stud or sexy. I know it was not right of me to yell it takes a lot for me to get upset, but she also called him on Monday after I asked my husband not to talk to her anymore. This whole thing has been one big mess and it is a bigger story but I could be here typing about this all day. All and all I think God works in mysterious ways and I feel everyone does get punished you see he finally go fired from that job and since leaving there he got a better job and we got closer then we had been for the past few years. I do believe in forgiving because I do Love him but it will take time to trust him. Thank you for letting me get some of this off my chest it does feel better just to talk about this and not hearing my friend say just leave him because I do not believe the grass is always greener on the other side.

RubyPitbull · Mar 8, 2007, 03:24 PM

Valley, if you love him, then you do owe it to yourself to try to save your marriage. I am glad that you chose to come here and didn't listen to your friend. Just leaving without understanding why this is happening won't give you any closure and leave you frustrated. And, writing about it, as you have done here, gets a lot of the frustration and anger out. You need to get yourself to the point where you can have a calm and rational discussion with him. Therapy is a very good answer for you both. The counselor will be able to direct and guide the discussion and hopefully, will get to the root of why this is happening. Once that comes out, then you both can work together on resolving it. I wish you the best of luck! :)

Marily · Mar 8, 2007, 09:21 PM

Your right , I don't know what kind of religion she is. But do you know that the primary reason why we are here on earth is to serve God ? If she commits her life to Jesus, tell me who can be against her?

missy_muffins1984 · Mar 8, 2007, 09:42 PM

After reading your problem and reading some of the other responses that you got I came up with this... marriage counsiling is most likely the best idea. It is obviously hard for you to come to grips with the situation to beable to sit down with him alone and rationally discuss the situation. You are obviously still upset and hurt and feel that trust is becoming a big issue. Your husband on the other hand can't really seem to beable to give you a rational answer to the questions that you have and all he can say is sorry and it won't happen again and then try to buy his way out of the situation. I feel a counselor will beable to speak to you seperatly then councel you together to try to find the best way to work together to build a solution that will help you both as a whole.

Hope this unboggles your head a bit

Vally · Mar 8, 2007, 10:42 PM

Thank you all very much for the wonderful advice and support. I did set up an appointment for next week to meet with a counselor and she wants to meet with me then my husband alone and go from there. So for now I will just take deep breathes and take it day by day and pray for strength.