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sad88 · Jun 17, 2012, 12:05 PM

I have been talking to this guy for a while on the phone and texting and so we met up yesterday.. for the weeks that we have been talking I have always been very clear that Ive never done anything with a guy at all and I don't want to start.. he was very respectful and informed me that though he loves sex he highly respects my values and doesn't really care to have sex, just cause... anyhow... we meet in a pubilc place and then we went to a little more private place.. after I was comfortable, he seemed really nice, and I told a lot of people so I felt safe. We started to cuddle (I have no problem with that) but then his hands started to go everywhere and I tried to grab them a couple of times but he would just get my hands out of the way and say relax... then he started to take my clothes off and though I kept on telling him I didn't want to have sex he just kept on going that way... the problem is that my body was enjoying it.. and it was confusing me... and I kept on just being like, we can't have sex.. and he would just keep pushing it.. then he put his thing in me and then stopped.. and said, are you OK with this.. but I knew it was already to late.. and I didn't know what to say.. my words where saying one thing the whole time and my body was saying another... I know it is probably my fault.. but now I'm all confused and I want someone to just tell me..

JudyKayTee · Jun 17, 2012, 12:09 PM

First you need to get the terms straight. He didn't put his "thing" in you. It's called a penis. If you're old enough to have sex you're old enough to use the proper terms.

That having been said - your mistake was starting to cuddle and then (apparently) making a half hearted attempt (on several occasions) to get him to stop. I don't see rape. I was an adult victim of rape. I didn't just say "stop" and keep on going. I got overpowered. I don't think you did.

I don't know that it's your fault - I do know you didn't stop it.

Did he use a condom? Did you use protection? The only problem isn't pregnancy. STDs are a risk when you have sex with a stranger.

Wondergirl · Jun 17, 2012, 12:12 PM

I'm wondering why you met "in a pubilc place and then we went to alittle more private place."

sad88 · Jun 17, 2012, 12:14 PM

You,. I'm 24, and you.. I was completely dumb.. and naïve... I'm not on the pill, but I went and got a day after pill right after.. and you I know.. I need to go get checked out now too... I gave up before I even started really.. the thought of getting rapped wasn't that appealing to me.. thanks for your honestly

sad88 · Jun 17, 2012, 12:17 PM

Well, I didn't want to meet at my house or something I thought that was creepy.. and we went out and had some dinner.. and I thought it was fine to go talk somewhere.. my mind just really wasn't anywhere sexual at all... obviously my bad

Wondergirl · Jun 17, 2012, 12:18 PM

So his suggestion to go somewhere "more private" didn't ring alarm bells in your mind?

sad88 · Jun 17, 2012, 12:21 PM

No.. he was really nice, didn't talk sexual at all, was all sweet, and didn't say anything about going somewhere "private" just like hey lets go do something else now.. kind of thing.. and I fell for it

Wondergirl · Jun 17, 2012, 12:22 PM

So what was and where was the "do something else"?

Fr_Chuck · Jun 17, 2012, 12:22 PM

If you said no, he was suppose to stop, so it is his fault.

I am not sure what you mean by "your body was saying something different" what was your body doing. If you kept kissing him that did not mean no, why did you not get up and leave ?

But no is suppose to mean no.

If you are not sure if it was rape or not, you will no give a good police report.

You either wanted it to stop or you wanted it to happen, so what was it.

sad88 · Jun 17, 2012, 12:24 PM

We went for a walk.. on this trail that is around this lake (normally still a pretty public place).. we sat down.. where chatting... and then it was all happening way to fast.

JudyKayTee · Jun 17, 2012, 12:24 PM

I'm not sure it wasn't just "No, oh yes, no." I worked in a law firm that defended people accused of rape (believe it or not). The usually became "rape" the next day when the person sobered up OR thought it over OR the guy didn't call.

Went to a more private place? Words said no, body said yes?

I don't think the Police are going to be terribly interested but it's worth filing a report. If it was consenual, the OP could very well pretty much ruin someone else's life.

sad88 · Jun 17, 2012, 12:28 PM

I wasn't going to report it for sure... I went out with the guy.. and I obviously did something to turn him on... I was saying no.. And I did grab his hand away a couple of times but he just would take my wrist in one of his hands.. and frankly he was a lot stronger then me.. when he moved down to my pants I tried to grab his hand again.. but it was like he didn't even feel me trying to move it... and I just kind of gave up..

sad88 · Jun 17, 2012, 12:30 PM

I wasn't drunk though, I don't drink.. I just kind of wanted an answer so that I can hit myself over the head.. or blame him.. end of story.. u know?

Fr_Chuck · Jun 17, 2012, 12:32 PM

Your pants and/or underwear does not happen "real" fast. His taking his pants off, allows you time to get up. He can not rape you if you are standing up, so did he throw you to the ground ?

I am not trying to down play date rape, but it is normally you say no and he holds you down and forces you. They way you say, you said no a few times but was enjoying it and going along as was a party to it.

To be honest he would have thought for you to save face to say no a couple times, but since you did not stand up, or yell or curse at him or something, he most likely figured you wanted it, but was having to say no, so you did not sound fast or cheap.

The fact you talked about sex before the first date, he will assume you knew he though sex was important and a large group date and have sex first date, or just hook up for sex and that is it.

sad88 · Jun 17, 2012, 12:36 PM

Fair enough.. I don't know.. I just froze up... but your right.. I should have don't something.. I guess I can't really change it now.. and to answer the whole kissing thing.. he kind of skipped that part.. there was a quick kiss on the lips and then his mouth and hands where everywhere but my face

sad88 · Jun 17, 2012, 12:39 PM

Got to go to work.. but thanks for all the words of wisdom.. I guess I'll know better next time.. if that kind of thing happens again

JudyKayTee · Jun 17, 2012, 12:41 PM

I agree with FrChuck - you met a stranger and went to an isolated place with him. I think you were foolish.

Want to hear how rape happens? The rapist doesn't put his hands in your pants and you grab his wrists. He literally rips your clothes off and smacks you around a couple of times for good measure. I broke 8 of my 10 fingernails fighting him off. Afterward you are bruised and sore. You don't wonder if you did or didn't have intercourse - you know. You weren't ready and it HURT. And TORE.

He doesn't just "put his thing" in you. There are a lot of clothes to come off first.

I'm not downplaying what you went through BUT your reasoning and behavior call into question every rape victim who is out there.

You said yes, you said no. If you were raped you NEVER said yes.

Yes, I agree, if you said stop and he continued (including at the point of penetration), yes, it's rape. But I'm not reading that here.

Maybe I'm too close to this subject.

You were not raped.

I would be less concerned about blaming someone and more concerned about being smarter the next time. You're lucky he's not a stalker; you're lucky if he didn't have an STD; you're lucky he didn't beat you up as part of the "say yes, say no" game.

Wondergirl · Jun 17, 2012, 12:41 PM

Be safe!!

44loo · Jun 17, 2012, 01:06 PM

Whatever happened it's obviously effected you. If you are not reporting it I feel you just have to put it down to experience. Learn from it and just make sure you don't find yourself in a situation like that again. Keep safe