[szeged03]

My husband cheated on me for the last yr. and a half. I've given him plenty of chances to fix the marriage but he always found a way to mess it up... along all this time his closest friend has become my closest friend too, giving a shoulder, support and company... Before we got separated we would always hang out, all three. But my husband has grown away from him a bit, while at the same time I've grown closer.

My husband finally decided he's ready to be married, but now I’m not... or at least I think I am not because I have this huge crush on his friend. I love my husband and I waited for him to wake up and realize the grass isn't greener... but at the same time I never looked to see myself... now this crush is getting worse...

I’m having dreams, figuring out our schedules at work, hanging out with him on my days off... Also don’t know if I’m correct but he seems to be flirting with me a bit too (poking me in the ribs, scaring me from behind) things that you would either do to a sister (which is what he calls me a lot) or to a girl you liked in 4th grade... May I also add he goes to the gym every day, dresses perfectly always ironed, clean, smells great... OMG I’m so confused...

Am I confusing a good friend with what I’m lacking from my husband?

Should I just work on my marriage and forget this crush?

[Fr_Chuck]

His best friend will never work, he was willing to become close with you married, he is of course willing to be close while married to you. Next your husbands best friend is in very poor taste.

Break off contact for a while, either try counseling with husband or file for divorce but do one or the other before you start dating anyone.

[Jake2008]

You and your husband need to work on your marriage, without a third party involved.

But, simply because your husband says he is ready to be married now, after a year and a half, does not make it so.

And it is important that you take any idea of a new man in your life, out of your life, until you figure out, and put priority on, your marriage.

Adding a new man now, no matter what the reason, or excuse, will have you living with doubts- what if you had gone to counselling, what if, you had done to your husband what he had done to you, and also come to regret it.

If you have children, add another layer of caution and good judgment here, and stop to think things through. What is the most responsible thing to do, for all concerned.

My advice to you is to not further complicate an already existing problem- your marriage- and tell your friend that for the time being, all of your time and effort is going to go into saving your marriage. If he is any kind of man at all, he will completely understand and support that decision.

In the meanwhile, put your husband front and centre, and expect him to do the same with you. Agree that until all the issues are addressed through counselling, for a minimum of three months, you will both promise to try.

At least at the moment, you haven't crossed the line. Make sure you don't, because you will undermine and add to already existing, complicated problems, and may never have the opportunity to know, whether it could have worked.

[itsimplytruth]

It is very easy to find yourself attracted to someone who is spending quality time with you. You also said that he dresses well and smells good. It is very difficult to have the kind of feelings that you should have for husband when he has been cheating on you. Do not confused the attention that you are getting from his friend with love.

Take a moment and think this out very clearly before you act. If you pursue a relationship with him, whether they have grown distant or not.. your husband will be angry and that will ruin their friendship. Then there is the issue of you being married. You should make a decision about your marriage prior to involving anyone else. If you can honestly say that you are no longer in love with your husband. Then divorce him and move on. If you can't then you all should work on your marriage.

I don't believe that involving his friend is going to have a favorable outcome from anyone involved.

[talaniman]

Do not act out on your feelings for this fellow, or be distracted by him when you need to focus on what you and your husband will do. Whether you go or stay, keep this fellow at a much greater distance.

You already are in a rough situation, and cheating with his friend makes it worse. So don't even go there.The priority is the relationship, focus on that and resolve those issues before you give into flights of fancy, fueled by frustration, and lust!!

[szeged03]

Thank you... I have thought about it a lot and have come to realize that a simple fling wouldn't help to solve my marriage issues... the only fear that I have is that while my husband was "out there" doing his thing, I was always waiting for him to, let's say, "be done" and now that he supposedly is done I'm afraid that I missed out on my "hall-pass"

It is very easy to find yourself attracted to someone who is spending quality time with you. You also said that he dresses well and smells good. It is very difficult to have the kind of feelings that you should have for husband when he has been cheating on you. Do not confused the attention that you are getting from his friend with love.

Take a moment and think this out very clearly before you act. If you pursue a relationship with him, whether they have grown distant or not..your husband will be angry and that will ruin their friendship. Then there is the issue of you being married. You should make a decision about your marriage prior to involving anyone else. If you can honestly say that you are no longer in love with your husband. Then divorce him and move on. If you can't then you all should work on your marriage.

I don't believe that involving his friend is going to have a favorable outcome from anyone involved.

I don't believe I am confusing the attention with love... I guess he's paid more attention to me than my husband has in a long time... I am now working on making our friendship stronger and forgetting all those naughty thoughts and feelings I was wrongfully starting to develop... first I have to try with my marriage and if it doesn't work then I'll start thinking about other men... for now I'm focusing on me and what I want to do! :)

You and your husband need to work on your marriage, without a third party involved.

But, simply because your husband says he is ready to be married now, after a year and a half, does not make it so.

And it is important that you take any idea of a new man in your life, out of your life, until you figure out, and put priority on, your marriage.

Adding a new man now, no matter what the reason, or excuse, will have you living with doubts- what if you had gone to counselling, what if, you had done to your husband what he had done to you, and also come to regret it.

If you have children, add another layer of caution and good judgment here, and stop to think things through. What is the most responsible thing to do, for all concerned.

My advice to you is to not further complicate an already existing problem- your marriage- and tell your friend that for the time being, all of your time and effort is going to go into saving your marriage. If he is any kind of man at all, he will completely understand and support that decision.

In the meanwhile, put your husband front and centre, and expect him to do the same wtih you. Agree that until all the issues are addressed through counselling, for a minimum of three months, you will both promise to try.

At least at the moment, you haven't crossed the line. Make sure you don't, because you will undermine and add to already existing, complicated problems, and may never have the opportunity to know, whether or not it could have worked.

We have no kids, but now he is ready to have them... I want kids but I don't feel we would be bringing a child to a confused atmosphere so soon... we are still living in separate residences and kind of dating... I feel like counseling should be done immediately and I should get back on birth control... What do you think?

[talaniman]

I think birth control until you sort things out, is a wise course of action.