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lifesaver05 · Mar 7, 2007, 08:12 AM

I know this is something that I should work out myself but I have always liked hearing other people's opinions..

My Girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years and in that time we have gone through our rough patches (but neither of us have cheated). I was unemployed for nearly a year and she stuck by me and she sought out counselling for an alcohol addiction which she is still working on but making good progress. I am 28 and she 24. We do love each other and have full trust. We do not live together as we both believe that it is better to live apart while dating to keep things 'fresh' and so we don't get bored or complacent, however we do spend a lot of time together. Not only are we lovers but we are each others best friends.

Only two problems that I see:

1) she has a great career as a flight attendant but although I am a degree qualified High School Teacher am currently working a demeaning night job as Teaching jobs are hard to find in my area.

2) I don't have much savings.

In your opinion, should I keep delaying proposing because of my financial prospects until they get better or pop the question now. It is really hard to think that money would stop us getting engaged but I guess I just want the best for both her and I. I don't want to be like other couples we have known that just go on and on and on dating (usually living together) until they fizzle out. Even though my parents divorced I still hold positive thoughts on marriage.

Your thoughts?

talaniman · Mar 7, 2007, 08:34 AM

If your ready to commit then waiting for the finances could take forever or never. Pop the question.

J_9 · Mar 7, 2007, 09:36 AM

You may be ready for marriage but is she? I am referring to your other post where you asked about her kissing another girl.

I am also wondering one thing. And this is a biggy. If she is making good progress on her alcohol addiction, why did she get drunk last week? Do you consider that good progress?

If she is addicted, it may be best to wait until she has this problme at least a little more under control. Addictions can and do ruin marriages.

So, you may want to hold off until she has this drinking problem a little more under control. Going out and getting drunk is not making good progress when it comes to addictions.

grammadidi · Mar 7, 2007, 10:03 AM

I see a lot of issues here, especially after reading J_9's post, but even without it.

1. Your girlfriend's alcohol addiction. If she is still drinking then she is not making 'good progress'. She should be sober at LEAST a year before even considering any major life changes, preferably 2 years.

2. You don't have significant savings and you hold a 'demeaning' job. Statistics show that the main reason for marital breakdown is rooted in financial problems. I think that it's great that she has a good job, but I think you need to find a job in your field, or at least a job that you are happy in, AND put together some savings before you begin planning a wedding. If you are unhappy in your job it will add stress, especially when you are married, plus you may find a job in your field out of your area and that may also add stress to your relationship.

3. As J_9 said, she may not be ready for a marital commitment if she is kissing other women. I haven't read your post on the issue, but it sounds like she is still experimenting or at the very least has different values than you might.

4. I firmly believe that if you truly felt that your relationship was as loving and as strong as you project that you wouldn't be here asking for people's thoughts and opinions. If you love her and know she loves you and you felt the time was right and the relationship would last then you would have asked her, not other people. "When in doubt, don't!"

5. You said "I dont want to be like other couples we have known that just go on and on and on dating (usually living together) until they fizzle out." This is not a reason to be married.

So, in my opinion, I don't think the time is right yet. I think you both have some living and some settling down to do first. If the relationship "fizzles" out in the meantime, then it would have whether you are married or not.

Good luck!

Didi

lifesaver05 · Mar 7, 2007, 10:07 AM

Yes you made two good points there. I will wait a little longer until I think about marriage again. My Gf has been classified an an 'alcohol abuser' to be exact. Basically this means that while she is not fully dependent on alcohol to get her through life's daily challenges she does binge quite badly when she drinks and has regrets afterwards.

It's a tough one as out of all the people I've been with in life she is the girl that I feel the most excited to be around and sometimes I still get butterflies in my tummy when she walks into the room!

The fact that she got drunk last week and kissed another girl is an issue that we talked about and I do believe what she says that it was a one off thing. She regrets it and cringes when I remind her of it (so I have stopped) She told me that she would not do it again.

I have never known my girlfriend to flirt, dance or kiss another man (even when drinking) and she has been the most trustworthy girl I have ever known. You are right to say give her the time to get better with her alcohol abuse. It is hard though as 95% of the time she is fantastic but when she drinks she can change dramatically as a person. My parents always told me that if you love someone you stand by them. That is what I am doing now. I'm with this girl for the 95% good times and together we are working on the other 5%. If I got hit by a car next week and lost a leg I would not expect me to leave me!

Are marriages meant to be perfect? I think that if people have expectations that they are then they are living in a fantasy world!

talaniman · Mar 7, 2007, 10:18 AM

I read your other post and the reason I think its right to pop the question, is to open the dialog to both of your feelings and expectations of your futures. Communication and the willingness and ability to work together for a common goal is essential and after 4 years You should at least be close to the point of Talking and listening on the level honesty. Yes there are obstacles and also problems to overcome, that goes without saying for all of us, but you start small and work through them.

lifesaver05 · Mar 7, 2007, 10:53 AM

Thanks Talaniman, every relationship has obstacles and communication is the key. We have open lines so it definitely helps. Is her drinking a problem? Yes. Is the fact that I work in job that just pays the bills a problem? Yes

But you know what and I've just thought about this. If we can get through the tough times now what great training for a lifetime of ups and downs which happens naturally in life. If we do get married one or both of us will lose a job, have a major operation, lose parents etc sometime in the future. You can change alcoholic habits and I can always geta better job. Trust, honesty and communication come from within. We have those so we will be OK.

Every hurdle now makes my relationship stronger. I'm a fighter and a lover ;)

cheerchic24 · Mar 16, 2007, 06:04 PM

I think you should, but after she has gotten over her addition. Additions often ruin relationships. Although finalcal problems are an issue, I don't think it matters so much (if you really love each other that is) As for the communcation, I also think that's OK. Every relationship will have that at 1 point in time. Hope this helped :)