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shatteredx3 · May 20, 2012, 03:16 PM

So I am living with my fiancé now we have been together for almost 7 years on and off got back together for good in 2009. And I just moved in with him in February. The reason we broke up the first time is because he cheated and left for another girl and I was extremely hurt. Well he decided to break up with her because he said he made the biggest mistake and he wanted me back in his life so I gave him another chance and we have been doing good ever since.

Then I just found out he has been secretly talking to another girl I'm guessing by email because she is not friends with him on Facebook or any other site that I know of. Around valentine's day he gets two packages one was a box of chocolates he claims he didn't know where it came from and the other one was a tiny box and he claims it was a jersey he bought from eBay but I didn't believe that but I just left it alone because I promised I would trust him.

So I find out today there was a letter from a girl I seen him texting one day and he said she was just a friend. I pick the letter up and it has his name and her address and everything. I opened the letter and find three pages and she wrote how much she loves him and says they're going to be together for the rest of their lives and they're going to have children and all this other stuff and a picture she drew that's supposed to be him her and their "kids". So I looked her up on Facebook and still waiting for a response. Meanwhile he is at work and doesn't know this yet but he will find out once I pick him up from work.

He claimed he changed and he was young and immature when we first broke up we were both 15 by the way and here we are 21 and he's doing the same immature things he said he wouldn't. I moved all the way out to North Carolina from New Jersey and left everything and imp trying to find a work and go back to school. I have nowhere else to go what should I do?

DoulaLC · May 20, 2012, 04:57 PM

Was this letter received fairly recently? See what he has to say on it. Acknowledge that you shouldn't have looked at it, and then give him the opportunity to tell you about this person.

If you don't feel things are adding up, you will have to make some difficult decisions.

shatteredx3 · May 20, 2012, 05:35 PM

Well he has mentioned her being a "friend" and I said OK that is fine. But I haven't heard anything about her lately and now all of a sudden I come across a three page letter expressing her feelings about him and these letters were written last year around October and she wrote a date that's supposedly "their date" which was June 25, 2011. And me and him were together still since 2009 and I am just finding this out. And he has received two packages recently in February.

Fr_Chuck · May 20, 2012, 05:53 PM

First how old is this girl ? She "drew a picture" sounds like a young teen or younger even. Or a women with a real mental health issues, grow women do not draw themselves with imaginary kids. Really sounds like something a 13 year old days.

So on face book was she still in middle school or what ? Could it be someone stalking him, where did you find the letter was it hidden or just laying in the open ?

talaniman · May 20, 2012, 08:18 PM

Get all the facts and then talk, and make a decision, OR find someplace to stay apart from him. Being dependent on a possible liar and cheater is never a good thing.

shatteredx3 · May 20, 2012, 08:28 PM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

First how old is this girl ? she "drew a picture" sounds like a young teen or younger even. Or a women with a real mental health issues, grow women do not draw their self with imaginary kids. Really sounds like something a 13 year old days.

So on face book was she still in middle school or what ? Could it be someone stalking him, where did you find the letter was it hidden or just laying in the open ?

If she was stalking him he wouldn't be hiding stuff like this. And when I confronted him he reacted quickly and would not listen to what I had to say. He says she was in love with him but he gave her his address to send stuff and he thought I wouldn't find out. And she sent him love letters he must have been leading her on right?

WisperWill70 · May 21, 2012, 01:10 PM

Agreed. 3 page love letters with hand drawn renderings of future children do not pop out of thin air. She is not a stalker. He is absolutely involved with this girl on some level. He knew she was "in love" and yet he sent her his address to "SEND STUFF TO?" That makes no sense whatsoever.

I know this isn't what you want to hear and I know that he's a big part of your past and history, but you are a much more mature 21 year old than he is -- he's still hovering around his maturity level when he was 15! -- He is very likely corresponding to other girls online or offline as well... he's young and doesn't know what he wants to do with his romantic life.

You can't change him and it's not because you're not good enough or you weren't enough to make him grow up and change. Don't waste your youth or start a pattern of making excuses for (or getting lost in) a boy who cheats or doesn't value you as much as you value him.

It's time for you to find your way to happiness and the kind of boyfriend/future mate that is who YOU want. You deserve to find out what life is like on your own. If he can grow up - he will, if not... you will have your own happiness and other people in your life.

shatteredx3 · May 21, 2012, 03:46 PM

Originally Posted by WisperWill70

Agreed. 3 page love letters with hand drawn renderings of future children do not pop out of thin air. She is not a stalker. He is absolutely involved with this girl on some level. He knew she was "in love" and yet he sent her his address to "SEND STUFF TO?" That makes no sense whatsoever.

I know this isn't what you want to hear and I know that he's a big part of your past and history, but you are a much more mature 21 year old than he is -- he's still hovering around his maturity level when he was 15! -- He is very likely corresponding to other girls online or offline as well.... he's young and doesn't know what he wants to do with his romantic life.

You can't change him and it's not because you're not good enough or you weren't enough to make him grow up and change. Don't waste your youth or start a pattern of making excuses for (or getting lost in) a boy who cheats or doesn't value you as much as you value him.

It's time for you to find your way to happiness and the kind of boyfriend/future mate that is who YOU want. You deserve to find out what life is like on your own. If he can grow up - he will, if not... you will have your own happiness and other people in your life.

I understand I completely agree with you he shouldn't have gave her the address in the first place and that's exactly what I told him. He says they were just friends and she wanted to send a friendly gift so he gave her the address and this is before I moved in. But she has been sending him things and I finally find this envelope laying around and seen her name. He said she is the one that is in love with him and he told her he's not into her so he stopped talking to her. So I agree he had to say something that led her on to thinking he is but he claims he did not lead her on. And he said she knew about me but I decided to talk to her myself and she said she did not know I was with him that we are engaged but she did mention that he hasn't contacted him after he go those letters. I know he is not cheating on me physically because she lives in Florida and she seems a lot younger than us. And also he is with me all the time when he is not working and I am always the one dropping him off and picking him up from work.

WisperWill70 · May 21, 2012, 05:44 PM

I'm not sure any of those facts make anything better/different. And what is he doing being "friends" with some far away younger girl who didn't even know you existed and whom was so infatuated with him that she wanted to send him friendly gifts? There's no friend there and no purpose to this relationship unless he met her online and chatted her up and encouraged her. There is a lot you still don't know about this situation, or who he's pretending to be.. . and I'd venture to say that even though you pick him up from work there's a lot of his activities you're not privy too.

DoulaLC · May 23, 2012, 03:45 AM

It does sound as though he likely met her online, got chatting, maybe flirted a bit (at least she obviously took it that way), and he enjoyed the attention. If you two weren't very serious at the time then it probably was more of an ego boost for him than anything he was going to take too seriously.

If there hasn't been any contact on his part since months ago, I would leave it in the past. Certainly he should have informed her that you were in the picture (any maybe he did, but she just kept hoping otherwise), but now she knows for certain.

Hopefully it will be the end of any further communication. She can be blocked on Facebook if that helps.

WisperWill70 · May 23, 2012, 06:59 PM

Not exactly, DouglaLC... the OP said that she and her boyfriend have been together for 7 years -- most recently from 2009 and this new girl said she was involved with him (somehow) TWO YEARS into the time they were together in 2011 and now.

shatteredx3 · May 23, 2012, 07:55 PM

I agree with that he has met her online also. But everyone he works with pretty much knows me but that still doesn't mean he can't be doing anything else. But I have mentioned to him if this continues and I find anything else out I will leave him. He always stresses to me that he wouldn't have moved me out here with him and that he is supporting me and yes I appreciate everything he has done. He thinks just because I brought all this up it's making him think that I'm appreciating everything him and his family has done for me but that is not the case. And he is also claiming that I don't let him have friends which is a lie. The reason I snapped is because his so called friend is a little too friendly and his stories didn't add up. He should realize it's not the fact that I don't want him having girl friends I can careless who he talks to as long as it's nothing more because I have guy friends but I never sent them love notes or presents all the time friends don't do that.

DoulaLC · May 24, 2012, 03:08 AM

I was thinking that maybe he started talking with her during one of the times that you had been broken up. Obviously she developed feelings, so he should have sorted it out when that first became apparent. Again, his ego likely caused him to enjoy the attention and continue things longer than they should have. Whether he had any real interest, you may not know for certain. She did say that he never responded after the letter was sent.

However, as was said, you had been together for good since 2009. Did he consider your relationship as serious as you did? Were you living somewhere else during this time until you moved in with him in February? The timing is an issue if the two of you were supposedly in a serious relationship. I'd want to know when they first started talking and why it got to the point that it did.

If it doesn't add up for you, and you feel that you aren't going to be able to trust him, then you'll have to give it some thought as to whether the relationship is worth continuing. If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, then see how things continue from now on.

WisperWill70 · May 24, 2012, 08:33 AM

Originally Posted by shatteredx3

I agree with that he has met her online also. but everyone he works with pretty much knows me but that still doesn't mean he can't be doing anything else. But I have mentioned to him if this continues and I find anything else out I will leave him. He always stresses to me that he wouldn't have moved me out here with him and that he is supporting me and yes I appreciate everything he has done. He thinks just because I brought all this up it's making him think that I'm appreciating everything him and his family has done for me but that is not the case. And he is also claiming that I don't let him have friends which is a lie. The reason I snapped is because his so called friend is a little too friendly and his stories didn't add up. He should realize it's not the fact that I don't want him having girl friends I can careless who he talks to as long as it's nothing more because I have guy friends but I never sent them love notes or presents all the time friends don't do that.

I'm VERY concerned that he has tried to deflect his actions by making YOU the bad guy here... ("don't you appreciate everything I and my family have done? Aren't I supporting you, you don't want me to have any friends?") --- unfortunately this speaks more to his having something to be GUILTY about than anything else.

You don't want to be supported by someone who is emotionally manipulative because it's just a hop-skip and a jump from emotionally manipulative to emotionally abusive.

His stories don't add up about the friend who can't possibly be a friend, he's blaming you as a way to deflect his responsibility and using his support of you as a way to control your reactions. None of that is good.

You will have to really think if your tough stance "if he does anything else, we're through."... because you might just be delaying the inevitable. Control issues like that (stories that don't add up, blaming others)... these are patterns that do not just go away within a relationship. You can't watch him all the time (and you dropping him off to work matters not in the slightest as I know someone in a similar situation who was completely comfy cheating on his girlfriend... all you need is a friend with a few spare moments and a car!)

I'm not saying all of this to hurt your feelings but to honestly let you think about some of the excuses you're making for him. You have guy friends and you would, I'd bet, NEVER be in a situation where one was sending you loads of gifts or talking about having your babies. -- You would not be sending them presents. It may be true that this was "Ego flattering" for him and that's why he continued it but that doesn't explain why he began this in the first place, encouraged it and then emotionally manipulated you to avoid dealing with what he's doing. Even if he cares and even if he moved you to be with him - it doesn't mean he's committed.

Are you afraid to go out on your own because he's supporting you? It's time to get back into your own life here. -- Don't let a guy like this be your means of financial support and a roof over your head. Even if you're in school, have health problems, whatever the issue is... seek another means of support and reach out to friends and family... his next tactic will be to isolate YOU in some way.

shatteredx3 · May 24, 2012, 02:48 PM

Originally Posted by WisperWill70

I'm VERY concerned that he has tried to deflect his actions by making YOU the bad guy here.... ("don't you appreciate everything I and my family have done? Aren't I supporting you, you don't want me to have any friends?") --- unfortunately this speaks more to his having something to be GUILTY about than anything else.

You don't want to be supported by someone who is emotionally manipulative because it's just a hop-skip and a jump from emotionally manipulative to emotionally abusive.

His stories don't add up about the friend who can't possibly be a friend, he's blaming you as a way to deflect his responsibility and using his support of you as a way to control your reactions. None of that is good.

You will have to really think if your tough stance "if he does anything else, we're through." .... because you might just be delaying the inevitable. Control issues like that (stories that don't add up, blaming others) ... these are patterns that do not just go away within a relationship. You can't watch him all the time (and you dropping him off to work matters not in the slightest as I know someone in a similar situation who was completely comfy cheating on his girlfriend... all you need is a friend with a few spare moments and a car!)

I'm not saying all of this to hurt your feelings but to honestly let you think about some of the excuses you're making for him. You have guy friends and you would, I'd bet, NEVER be in a situation where one was sending you loads of gifts or talking about having your babies. -- You would not be sending them presents. It may be true that this was "Ego flattering" for him and that's why he continued it but that doesn't explain why he began this in the first place, encouraged it and then emotionally manipulated you to avoid dealing with what he's doing. Even if he cares and even if he moved you to be with him - it doesn't mean he's committed.

Are you afraid to go out on your own because he's supporting you? It's time to get back into your own life here. -- Don't let a guy like this be your means of financial support and a roof over your head. Even if you're in school, have health problems, whatever the issue is.... seek another means of support and reach out to friends and family.... his next tactic will be to isolate YOU in some way.

You have a very good point. And when I did read the letters I noticed that at the end of all three she wrote the date "6/25/11". And I know for a fact me and him were good and happy with each other because I was living in New Jersey at the time. Also we went on vacation together about a week after that date. We haven't broken up at all after we got back together in 09. So I don't know what went wrong we haven't had any serious problems only little things that most couples. But finding these letters is the only supicious thing I found out so far. I'm not saying just because its one thing he will stop because I told him I am still skeptical about this whole issue and from what I know they haven't been in contact with each other and they also never met. And I do appreciate the feedback I am trying to find myself a job so I can have my own money in case it does come to me having to leave him or I would have to move back with mom which I really don't want because I really do love him and want to be with him he's not abusive or a bad guy he always treats me right and takes me out whenever we get the chance. I just feel like he doesn't trust me with his social life or whatever. How can trust him if he's going to be so secretive about everything. I just want him to understand that I don't mind if he has friends that are girls because I know the girls he works with and they know me and that I don't have a problem with them. And thanks again for the feedback

WisperWill70 · May 24, 2012, 03:48 PM

Just so you know, Shatteredx3, I think you're handling all this really well and you have a good head on your shoulders and you didn't do ANYTHING wrong here. Keep that ever in mind should he keep trying to twist things around to make it feel like you're mistrustful or ungrateful or unreasonable.. . there are plenty of people who are anxious about guys having girl friends but it seems like you're concerned only because he went WAY outside the bounds of normal and is being very secretive and deceptive.

He probably IS really sweet and nice (and not abusive in the traditional sense) but do keep in mind that he has a tendency to also manipulate and you have to keep weighing things out and making sure you're acting in your best interest and keeping your eyes open/willing to see the truth. I say this because I know a lot of lovely people with big hearts who got into a pattern of relationships with infidelity or emotional manipulation and there's always a pattern... As you know, you were happy when he was involved with this girl (on whatever level) so being happy and him taking you places and things like that don't constitute a stable relationship. Keep looking out for you :) you're worth it!

mmresd · May 24, 2012, 04:32 PM

How is someone else expressing her personal feelings for him his fault? You are being paranoid, and have no proof that HE has been doing anything. If a letter from an old exgirlfriend reaches my home and declares she wants to be together with me, without me even talking to her in years, and you (my girlfriend) happen to receive it, where is my fault in that? Throw it away, and keep working in your relationship, you promised you trusted him, this is NOT trusting him!

WisperWill70 · May 24, 2012, 04:58 PM

Why should she trust him? How is someone expressing her feelings for him his fault? Well for starters -- a girl (who doesn't even live in your area!) doesn't develop "feelings" for you to the extent that she wants to draw pictures of your future babies.. without YOU being involved her leading her on. Especially if this "friend" has not been told about your current girlfriend and relationship. Wake up and smell the roses!

You should read this whole thread, mmresd. The guy involved himself with an out-of-state younger girl and sent her his address for her to send him things WHILE they were together in a relationship in the past and also in recent months... - and then lied about it and made excuses. I'm all for trust in a relationship and to let go of the past to move forward and put faith in the relationship, -- but I don't believe the OP is being paranoid in this case. She also stated that she doesn't mind if he has girlfriends and friends... but that his way of handling this issue has put her on alert.

shatteredx3 · May 24, 2012, 05:14 PM

Originally Posted by mmresd

How is someone else expressing her personal feelings for him his fault? You are being paranoid, and have no proof that HE has been doing anything. If a letter from an old exgirlfriend reaches my home and declares she wants to be together with me, without me even talking to her in years, and you (my girlfriend) happen to receive it, where is my fault in that? Throw it away, and keep working in your relationship, you promised you trusted him, this is NOT trusting him!.

It's the fact that these letters were sent last year in October. And I know for a fact that she isn't a girl he was with before me cause I know who he's been with before me. Hes only known her since June last year from what the letters has been saying. So I believe that half of it was his fault also.

shatteredx3 · May 24, 2012, 05:24 PM

Originally Posted by WisperWill70

Just so you know, Shatteredx3, I think you're handling all this really well and you have a good head on your shoulders and you didn't do ANYTHING wrong here. Keep that ever in mind should he keep trying to twist things around to make it feel like you're mistrustful or ungrateful or unreasonable. ... there are plenty of people who are anxious about guys having girl friends but it seems like you're concerned only because he went WAY outside the bounds of normal and is being very secretive and deceptive.

He probably IS really sweet and nice (and not abusive in the traditional sense) but do keep in mind that he has a tendency to also manipulate and you have to keep weighing things out and making sure you're acting in your best interest and keeping your eyes open/willing to see the truth. I say this because I know a lot of lovely people with big hearts who got into a pattern of relationships with infidelity or emotional manipulation and there's always a pattern..... As you know, you were happy when he was involved with this girl (on whatever level) so being happy and him taking you places and things like that don't constitute a stable relationship. Keep looking out for you :) you're worth it!

Thank you I will and I will take your advice if I have to take the chance to leave him to better myself I will. That's what it usually takes is leaving the person and they will always come back begging just like the first time we were together he realized what he was missing. And if I were to leave him again I believe he will do the same but I wouldn't make the same mistake.