[kathie71]

I have been with my fiancé for 4 years. I am 41 and he is 49. He is my true soulmate and we have been very happy together.unfortunately he lost his dad 2 years ago and his mum became unwell so my fiancé decided to move back home and look after his mum. She has asthma and another breathing condition which does limit her activities however she is able to do some for short periods.

Its been 2 years now that he's lived there and I've asked him to move in with me and that we'll both be there for his mum. I live 5 minutes drive away. He said no that he won't leave his mum. I suggested getting support for her but she refused any help and won't go to any suppot groups, she only wants her son. I cook them both meals and help whenever I can. We both take her shopping every week.
I only see my fiancé 2 nights a week at weekend because he won't leave his mum for too long, but he goes home every day. My fiancé and I go out with friends and occasionally go away for the weekend and she is left on her own. He he said he wants to marry me but living with me will have to wait as he will not ever leave his mum.
Him moving with me was mentioned last year but he said things were uncomfortable at my home with regards to my teenage daughter but she has since left home and he is still saying no. I feel he is using his mum as an excuse. I have been very patient, understanding and loving towards him and his mum but I want us to start our life together now. Am I being selfish and unreasonable?

[joypulv]

It isn't a question of selfish or unreasonable; it's just who you are, and there is nothing wrong with what you want. It's just that you can't make another person do what they don't want to do. When you reach the realization that he isn't going to change for your sake, you have to decide if you still want him as he is. I know that's easy to say from where I sit. We all get entangled with wanting to change other peoples' minds sometimes. But he's holding all the cards - this is what he wants and he's got it. If you were to break up with him, who knows. But if you say you will leave him, then you need to mean it.

You could tell him you are tired of this arrangement but understand it's what he wants, so you are going to take 3 months off, totally without contact. See who gives in first.