[confusedgirl188]

Should I split up with my boyfriend? We have been together for nearly four and a half years, I am currently away traveling whilst he is at home. I have been away for a couple of months so far. I decided to come away because I was feeling really frustrated, mainly as I was unhappy in my job. (He didn't want to come away too as he was worried about getting a job upon returning with the economic situation where we live)

We have had a reasonably stable relationship and have been mostly happy together but there were a few things that have always bothered me about the relationship, along with me just generally feeling very unsure if he was 'the one'.

We have talked about the things that bothered me (but I've never told him my uncertainty) but they never seem to change. He is a good guy but he's an only child and he's not always that considerate emotionally, just things like when a relative died and I needed him, he really just didn't seem to understand and wasn't there for me. He had a bit of a 'pull yourself together' attitude whilst I was devastated. This makes me worry for if we ever went through some kind of difficult situation together later in life, how would he deal with it and would I get the support I needed from him to cope.

He also rarely says I love you and is not really a very romantic person in terms of keeping the relationship going (although I do feel he loves me, he's very affectionate etc). I often have to suggest nice things for us to do or doing things for my birthday etc which I'd kind of like a boyfriend to suggest. This has kind of made it hard to continue feeling that romantic spark toward him longer term as he doesn't really do 'nice' things or surprises. We never really had the 'honeymoon' period either, it took him 18 months to say I love you.

He was brought up in a very emotionally repressed environment by his parents - they never really told him they loved him or were affectionate etc so I do understand this but I wonder if I can really live with it. He also gets angry easily with people around him when something frustrates him and this has always bothered me and led to arguments.

We have talked about all this stuff and he acknowledges it but things never really seem to change. There are good parts about the relationship too. He is loyal and affectionate and fun to be with, we have reasonably the same taste in things to do, same friends, get on with each other's families etc. Some of our friends got engaged just before I left and they seemed so incredibly happy, I just felt sad because I cannot ever imagine feeling that way about him which sounds awful I know.

I do believe in working on a relationship so I am very torn however at the same time I have fantasies of meeting someone else, - although I never have or never would be tempted to cheat. I came traveling with the idea of staying for 6 months or so but I am really enjoying it and want to stay. I wonder if I should split up with him rather than leave him dangling because that seems unfair to him if I'm constantly unsure about whether I want to be with him and now I'm away it seems easier to make the break than it did at home but I don't want to hurt him and I'm also worried realizing that I've made a terrible mistake and that the grass isn't greener.

I'm close to 30 so at this point I don't want to stay in a relationship with no future but I really care for him and don't want to mess him about. Any ideas for what I should do?

[puccini]

It would seem on the surface, and you allude to it yourself, that life could be greener or well less green with someone else than you are currently experiencing: your judgement and fortune would determine whether leaving him would work out better or not.

What is clear (to me) is that the status quo is not an option: in that feeling this way, allowing life to drift by in this state of uncertainty, is something to be avoided - waiting for a sign, hoping fate will intervene. You could be finding yourself with the same feelings in years to come and miss out on a new found happiness with him or with someone else: not living life. I guess you you have been going round in circles on this for quite some time (which is why you are here) so, I would say you need to initiate something that breaks this mindset. Talk to friends perhaps, but almost certainly talk to him too at some point soon. Chances are that, given how you describle him, he is holding back a lot too. In all likelihood your perspective will change a lot once you engage him or people close to you, but, I feel, it will alter little until you do.

Good luck.

[talaniman]

If you aren't going back home at least tell him!