[j9sim1]

My husband and I have been married for 15 years and we have a wonderful 12 year old daughter. Our marriage is solid and we love each other very much. But I made an unforgivable mistake. For four years now I have had several credit cards in my name that my husband was unaware of. I even had them going to a PO Box so he couldn't find out. I work full-time and have always made the payments regularly. However, I was recently hospitalized and needless to say, my payments got behind. He found out about one and was very upset. When I came clean about ALL of them (and I did tell him everything) he told me he may want a divorce. The only thing stopping him is our daughter. It's a large amount of debt - nearly $20,000. I don't think he could ever forgive me and right now I don't blame him. I take full responsibility for my actions and will do anything to make it right. I just hope that this isn't divorce worthy - but it might be. He is terribly upset. I just want someone's opinion. What should I do? I want to fight for him because I love him and we've always been happy. But is he justified? Is it like cheating on him?

[KMSRyana]

No, it doesn't have the same ramifications as cheating on him. But his trust in you has been violated and he's likely very hurt. I would suggest you talk to him and see if you can get him to go to counseling together. In the long run, money isn't everything and trust in each other is everything. Talk to him, it won't be easy but it sounds like your marriage is worth fighting for. Best of luck to you.

[CaptainForest]

Yes, this is just like cheating on him.

How can he ever trust you again?

Trust is a HUGE component in marriage.

If he had slept with another women, and said he was sorry, how could you believe him?

How do you know he wouldn't have another affair?

He doesn't trust you anymore and therefore that might lead to him leaving you.

[J_9]

I hope you cut up the cards, how about calling and cancelling them in front of him? How about cancelling the PO Box in front of him?

This is cheating. You cheated him and your daughter out of money. Plain and simple.

[s2tp]

Well I don't mean to make light of your situation, but I smiled when I read this cause being out of country on a military base, we are forced to watch AFN (Armed Forces Network) and it only plays military-made commercials... over and over. They make ones about drinking, gambling... and well credit cards... all addictions!

The funny part is we always make fun of these low budget commercials...

Ok well the point I want to make is that it sounds as though you have an addiction to credit cards. Not only did you go through great lengths to hide it from your loved one, but you abused it and created a monster of a bill!

I agree with your husband being upset over this. $20,000 of debt is a lot to hide in a 15 year relationship! Now getting divorced over it... I think that's a bit extreme especially if you say your relationship has been healthy, plus the daughter.

I would say you need to confess to having a problem... it may sound ridiculous like you have to go to a CCUA (Credit Card Users anonymous) but it is recognized as an addiction... for real!(Dont know if CCUA is real, I just made that up)

If you and your husband can work together on working on your problem, and you work very hard at rebuilding his trust then this all may work out in the end.

Professional help is your best answer. Not only for you, but for your relationship as well. Your husband is obviously having a hard time accepting this, and he may need some help seeing that you can be trusted despite your 15 year secret.

Keep your head up and your heart strong... I like to believe that love can pull you through anything, just takes some time, patience and WORK...

Best wishes!

[Fr_Chuck]

This is actually much more common than you know.

You messed up, you were adicted to spending and got into a trap.

You need finicial help not only to get rid of the debt, but to stop using cards. And you need to know that most likely your husband would have been OK with what you bought, if you had just told him.

So he did not just leave, or if he did, he came back shortly, He is mad and has a reason to be mad, will he trust you with money for a while, NO, may he want to see where all the money goes for a while, yep, should he , I don't know my wife and I have separate accounts ( name on each others) but I don't want to know how much those drapes cost, but if she started having bill collectors calling I would get invovled.

Would I leave,? Maybe for a day to calm down and maybe if she refused to get help for a problem if there is one.

So go to him, let him know you know that you messed up. Let him know you love him and you are sorry he has lost trust in you. ( which is what most likely has happened)

And recommend marriage counseling and debt counseling, and I think the two of you will make it

[glenn yankwitt]

You can also tell him that it will cost twice as much to get a divorce. You screwed up, but if he really loves you , you should have nothing to worry about. Time will heel

[TXgirl]

I have to wonder if things really were as perfect as you say, because otherwise, why would you need to have this separate part of your life. Do you remember why you started the hiding? Addiction or was he a control freak or something else... Be honest with yourself first.

[valinors_sorrow]

The way this works is unless and until you place as much or more sigificance to this problem than he does, you aren't likely to fix it. Ask any spouse of someone recovering from an addiction. Don't attempt to minimize it or you look like you are justifying it. Justifying days are over, at least as far as your family is concerned. I would focus more on you, the problem and the solution and back burner the status of your marriage for a bit. He needs time to regroup after such a blow and you need time to turn this around for yourself.

Fr Chuck is right in that you have an active addiction that requires help. You might want to look into Debtors Anonymous  - Recovery from Compulsive Debt -- a 12 step program for people exactly like you. Do this regardless of whether it wins your husband back or anything else... because what happens next to someone with a credit card addiction isn't pretty. This is serious. This can get a whole lot worse for you so please seek help.

[Land_Of_The_Lost]

I'm so very sorry to hear about your situation. Several months ago I was on the receiving end of something almost identical (the problem and dollar amount). It turns out my wife is a shopaholic, and yes, it does feel as though it was an affair.

She had been hiding credit cards and various amounts of debt for almost our entire 15 years together (married for 10). To me the money was nothing. It was the incredible pain I felt from trust being shattered. I now had to start questioning absolutely everything about our relationship.

I would strongly suggest some type of counseling. My wife’s shopaholic behavior was treated like any other obsessive/compulsive disorder. This is not an unforgivable mistake if you take the necessary steps to prove that you are sorry, willing to fix the problem and trustworthy. As they say trust is not like winning the lottery, it’s like a paycheck. Both of you will need to build it back into your marriage in increments, it will not happen overnight. Best of luck to you and I will keep you in my prayers.