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kjarlssen · Apr 18, 2012, 03:23 PM

I was looking for this topic because I am struggling with the same thing. My boyfriend and I had a very nasty breakup. This is a sanitized explanation of what happened... it was really much worse. He threw all my stuff out of the house and changed the locks. I was angry, embarrassed and humiliated. I didn't care if I ever talked to him again.

Five days later I found out I was pregnant. I told him and now he says he wants to get back together for the baby... but I don't feel I can trust him. There are alcohol and anger issues as well. I'm really stuck. I'm not sure I really love him and don't think that someone who says he loves me would try to hurt me the way he did. I think he might be lying to me to get me to stay here.

I moved 1500 miles away from friends and family to be with him. I like my job and my coworkers but other than that I'm all alone. I really don't want to move back in with him but I don't know if I can take care of a baby and work full time by myself. I think I want him to be involved with the baby but choosing that means I have no family to support and help me.

Some people tell me that if I have the baby here and it doesn't work out I won't be able to leave the state MD. Other people say that is ridiculous. I'm really confused. I want both my family around me and the baby to have its dad too. I know the decision I make will affect my future, the baby's, my family's and his.

Emily89473 · Apr 18, 2012, 04:06 PM

Tell him your pregnant
You have to believe me he needs to know.
And he will have to pay child support
Also tell your parents they will probably help
Make sure you have what you need before the baby is born
And love him/her to death
I hope this helped. Good luck!

kjarlssen · Apr 18, 2012, 04:13 PM

I guess I wasn't clear. I did tell him right away. He does want to get back together but I don't trust him. I did tell my parents who do support me as do my friends back home. My parents want me to come home so they can help me and be involved in the babies life. (they don't have money to travel much)

Emily89473 · Apr 18, 2012, 04:34 PM

O sorry I didn't read the whole thing. But, if there are alcohol and anger issues I would tell him how you feel and that if he does care about the baby than he needs to get help or you will move in with your parents.
And if you are a little scared to say that then you should have your friends and some of his friends with you. It might help to not be alone when you say that.
And if you don't want to get back together with him, then... well I would wait till after he gets help to decide and if he won't then I think it would be best to move in with your parents.

Alty · Apr 18, 2012, 04:39 PM

Just because you're pregnant with his child doesn't mean that you have to be with him.

The fact is, it's his child too. Because of that, he is responsible for providing for that child, and he should be allowed to choose to be in that child's life. In that way he'll always be a part of your life, because you share a child together, but that doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship with him. Your family cannot dictate that you leave him out of this. Legally he has the right to be a part of this child's life, just as much as you have a the right.

When it comes to moving, I'm not sure of the answer. That would best be answered by a legal expert. I'm not sure what rights he has to keep you where you are, especially since the baby isn't even born yet.

Right now you're pregnant, and alone, so I would think that moving back home would be a good thing for you and the baby, but when the baby is born, the father will be granted visitation (unless there's a legal reason to deny that, and it would have to be proven, not just "He does drugs and he's abusive", but actual proof that he would be dangerous to the child).

Have you considered other options, like adoption? That's your right as well. Just because you're pregnant doesn't mean you have to be a mother. You do have options, and it would be in your best interest to look into every option available. We can help with that if it's something you want to explore further.

I do want to point out that Emily (the other poster responding on this thread), is only 14, and does not actually have any experience with this sort of thing. Although she is allowed to answer any thread that is on this site, that doesn't always mean that she'll give an accurate answer. We try to encourage people to only answer questions in their area of expertise, or areas they have some knowledge in. So please, and this in no way disrespects Emily, take the advice given with a grain of salt.

Emily89473 · Apr 18, 2012, 05:07 PM

Originally Posted by Alty

Just because you're pregnant with his child doesn't mean that you have to be with him.

The fact is, it's his child too. Because of that, he is responsible for providing for that child, and he should be allowed to choose to be in that child's life. In that way he'll always be a part of your life, because you share a child together, but that doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship with him. Your family cannot dictate that you leave him out of this. Legally he has the right to be a part of this childs life, just as much as you have a the right.

When it comes to moving, I'm not sure of the answer. That would best be answered by a legal expert. I'm not sure what rights he has to keep you where you are, especially since the baby isn't even born yet.

Right now you're pregnant, and alone, so I would think that moving back home would be a good thing for you and the baby, but when the baby is born, the father will be granted visitation (unless there's a legal reason to deny that, and it would have to be proven, not just "He does drugs and he's abusive", but actual proof that he would be dangerous to the child).

Have you considered other options, like adoption? That's your right as well. Just because you're pregnant doesn't mean you have to be a mother. You do have options, and it would be in your best interest to look into each and every option available. We can help with that if it's something you want to explore further.

I do want to point out that Emily (the other poster responding on this thread), is only 14, and does not actually have any experience with this sort of thing. Although she is allowed to answer any thread that is on this site, that doesn't always mean that she'll give an accurate answer. We try to encourage people to only answer questions in their area of expertise, or areas they have some knowledge in. So please, and this in no way disrespects Emily, take the advice given with a grain of salt.

I am 14 but a lot of my friends went through this
I do agree with you but I don't think she wanted give the baby up
And I didn't give my age?

Fr_Chuck · Apr 18, 2012, 05:13 PM

I agree, move back to where you have friends and family, and have your baby, file for custody and child support as soon as the child is born.

kjarlssen · Apr 18, 2012, 05:22 PM

Thanks, I do want to have the baby. I am in my late twenties and have an advanced degree and a good job. He did offer to go to counseling together but hasn't followed through. He also said he had quit drinking but showed up at my place really drunk with his kids in the car. I should have called the police but didn't because he would know it was me and I didn't want him to have to go to jail or prison. He is a good dad when he is sober.

When I read what I have written I wonder what is wrong with me.

He also manipulates the system and works for cash to reduce his child support obligations so I really don't expect much help from him financially. In fact he might be able to require me to pay him child support despite him making mor than I do.

I know he has driven when he was really drunk with his kids in the car which really scares me.

So I guess I'm ambivalent about being with him. I really want the baby to have a dad and don't want to deprive him of the opportunity. I also don't want the baby to grow up without other family. It's the moving thing that really has me paralyzed.

Emily I think your pretty smart for a fourteen year old. I think he should deal with his problems too but am afraid he won't.

Emily89473 · Apr 18, 2012, 05:32 PM

Originally Posted by kjarlssen

Thanks, I do want to have the baby. I am in my late twenties and have an advanced degree and a good job. He did offer to go to counseling together but hasn't followed through. He also said he had quit drinking but showed up at my place really drunk with his kids in the car. I should have called the police but didn't because he would know it was me and I didn't want him to have to go to jail or prison. He is a good dad when he is sober.

When I read what I have written I wonder what is wrong with me.

He also manipulates the system and works for cash to reduce his child support obligations so I really don't expect much help from him financially. In fact he might be able to require me to pay him child support despite him making mor than I do.

I know he has driven when he was really drunk with his kids in the car which really scares me.

So I guess I'm ambivalent about being with him. I really want the baby to have a dad and don't want to deprive him of the opportunity. I also don't want the baby to grow up without other family. It's the moving thing that really has me paralyzed.

Emily I think your pretty smart for a fourteen year old. I think he should deal with his problems too but am afraid he won't.

Thank you
And I think you tell his family and ask them to get him some help
Do they know about his problem?

Alty · Apr 18, 2012, 06:12 PM

Originally Posted by Emily89473

i am 14 but a lot of my friends went through this
i do agree with you but i dont think she wanted give the baby up
and i didnt give my age??

Emily, I didn't mean my comment as a negative thing. No matter how smart you are at 14, and no matter how many friends you have that have gone through this, there just isn't any possible way for you, at 14, to be able to give completely accurate advice about this situation. That will come with age, and experience. I have a son that's almost 14. I wouldn't ask him for relationship advice, no matter how mature he is, because he hasn't lived the life I have, and couldn't possibly give accurate advice, only because of his age. That doesn't mean he's not smart, it just means he's not yet qualified to give advice to grownups. Do you understand what I'm saying?

No, you didn't give your age in this thread, but we often check other posts when someone gives advice that isn't necessarily accurate on another thread. I checked your other posts, where you do mention your age.

Blondie62 · Apr 18, 2012, 07:28 PM

What ever you do... please don't kill your baby! There are a lot of childless couples out there that would give an arm and a leg to have a child. Also, future adoptive parents can support the birth mother financially (including pre-natal care and hospital bills for birth of the baby) until baby is born and adopted. Forget that loser! If he did not love and appreciate you before he knew about his baby... why would he do so after? Remember, a baby will NOT fix a relationship that is non-exixtent. However; if you decide to keep the baby you may want to look for an extra job that allows you to work but stay at home.

Good Luck!

talaniman · Apr 18, 2012, 09:46 PM

You are luckier than most because you have a means to support yourself, and provide and have family and friends close to you. Go with that, and worry about him when he has gotten his own act together. You stay put and have a healthy child, and if he gets it together he can travel to see his child, or send money or whatever it takes.

No you do not have to be with him, or make him a responsible dad, that's up to him. But you can get the terms of child support, custody, and visitation settled in court, where you are, with your folks. Don't count on him, count on your family.