[man124]

Hi I am a married man and I have 2 small baby girls also, my problem is that my wife cheating on me, we met six and half year ago and after one and half hour means five years back we married and before marriage we don't have any sexual relationship. After marriage our relationship was very good, and like this we have 2 baby girls.

2 years back she told me about one her colleague that he is disturbing her and telling her that she should marry him. After I knew I wanted to talk this b@st@rd boy but she refused me. She said she is going to change her cell number. And email, so he cannot contact her, and she promised me she will not talk to him again. After one year by chance I found some text massages in her mobile phone memory, which was showing like she has close friendship with that one guy, but this guy was not the same one. I talk to her and told her that I am going to divorce you, but she cried so much and she said he is just my normal friend but she promised she will not talk to him again and she was begging that don't leave me. Then I agreed with her that I will not leave you but this is your last chance. If I will find you again in friendship with this guy or anyone else I will directly divorce you and I will even not give you the kids. And she agreed this all I was doing because kids future.

Any how after 5 months she introduce me with one guy she said he is just a friend and he is sometimes just helping me like dropping me off. But I felt that there is something wrong. I went to mobile service provider company and requested for detailed bill because the number she was using is on my name. When I got the details of her calls I was shocked because she is talking on phone with the same guy 5 months before she promised me she will not talk to him anymore. Not only small but in the mid nights till sometimes till 2 hours long call she is talking to him, and I saw she is sending text messages and sometimes calls to the guy she introduce me to, more than 100 text massages daily. Sometimes 120 text messages and some times more than that in single day. And this guy later on I knew it's the same she was talking to him 2 years before, and that time also she promised me she will not talk to him.

I cannot explain my feelings what I feeling inside me. It's something so shame full for any husband in the world that his wife has affairs with guys, and you know, I never felt before knowing that she don't love me. And now when everything is clear still she is begging and telling me she loves me a lot, and don't leave me. And again she is promising that she will not do this again. And even she is agree to resign from the job for this reason, but after so much thinking, I am still cannot decide what I am supposed to do.

I can easily divorce her but the problem is I love her so much, and the other thing I am thinking about the kids. They are small one 2 years, and one 3 and half years.

But I just you know burning from inside and still cannot believe that my wife can cheat me like this. The person whom I love in this world the most. Really you know it's difficult to believe but it's true it is happened.

I request all of you please guide me and suggest me as per your experience what is better for me and my kids.

[mmresd]

Your kids and your marriage are two separate things. Whether you are still married you need to be a good father. Now, as far as your wife goes, it seems like you need to stop looking through her things first of all. Then, you need to sit down and think if you can forgive her for what she has done or what you THINK she has done to this point. If you can, maybe see some couples' councelor to see how you both can go about regaining the love and trust that a relationship MUST have. If you feel like this is just going to continue, then get a divorce, it is just paperwork.

[talaniman]

I have been married 35 years, and my wife has many friends she texts, tweets, and Facebooks with, worked with, class mates, the whole shot. Yes I know all her friends, even the many male ones. My point is that unless she behaves inappropriately with these fellows, and just has friends, thats not cheating and is unworthy of going ballistic over.

The fact she hides it may be to have friends without you knowing, because she knows you will be mad and upset. That's sad really, so even the late night texts may be just friendly, so my question is, are her texts friendly, or inappropriate?

Your answer will makes a big difference as to my advice.

[man124]

Thank you so much for the answers, actually I don't know what was in text massages because she deleted them all and I knew just from the detailed bills that showing only the time and if its text or call but what inside the text I don't know but my question is that if its normal friendship then how it could be sending hundreds of massages each day like every 2 to 3 minutes there is text massage when she is sleeping may be 3:30 am the last massage she is sending to him and when she awakes in the morning like 6:00 am first massage to him some times there is calls started 1 AM and finished 2:30 I don't think this can be normal friendship and she is not a teen ager she has loving husband and 2 very cute kids how and I even found before things 2 to 3 times and she promised she will not talk to them again but still she want to cheat me I think marriage stands only on trust and if there is no trust then why we need to live together I don't know how she can cheat me like this, this shows that she cares about her those 2 friends more then me then why I should stay with her any more.
I need some suggestion what I will do so I will feel better because I don't want to decide something which I don't know what will result may be I will feel more bad thatswhy I am asking you to think and advice me what will be good for me what I will do so I will feel better because this time my condition is very bad all the time just headaq and like I don't want to go home and just trying to move one place to other looking for some releif I really don't know what to do. Thatswhy I need your help please.

[Lovelife1310]

Hi.. I am answering this because I have seen a similar situation in my life. Firstly the texts sent are not normal texts and she definitely has a relationship with this guy.. No friends text each other 100-120 messages in a day within a duration of 2-3 minutes. So be sure that she has an affair with this guy..
My only advice to you is to divorce her and get out of the relationship because some people cannot change. Again if you will confront her she will cry and you will again forgive and the same story shall be repeated.

[talaniman]

I highly suggest you get the facts of this situation from her, to know exactly the nature of this relationships, texts, calls, before you make a decision. Its one thing to feel bad at what's happening. Its another thing to get to the bottom of it.

Have you never asked why she persists in these contacts? That would be my first move, talking to her, and understanding what she is thinking so I would know why she does what she does. I have to be honest from what you have written is that she is not allowed any friends at all, and right or wrong you keep a strict control over what's allowed and what's not.

Bet she has few girl friends she interacts with regularly, and lets be real, does she honestly have time to cheat on you with work, and family responsibilities? I think you see beyond the texts and calls, and the emotions, and get facts as why would she introduce you to someone that she is cheating with?

I would love her version of things, because I suspect your pain is self inflicted. I think you have a very restrictive view of what family life is about, and maybe she cannot be happy with the confines you keep her in, or the lack of input, and freedom she requires to enjoy her surroundings. Specifically I mean could you be as commanding of her, as you are your kids?

What is your interactions with your wife like? Do you get the impression she is happy with you?

[man124]

Dear Talaniman,

I respect your views and thankfull for the comments, and yes I want to share with you some more information regarding your questions, first of all I trusted on her blindely thatswhy I never even imagine she can do like that, she has so many friends even some boys but they are OK some times they are calling her or they are coming to meet us even the boys, but regarding these 2 guys one of them when I saw him I felt like there is something thatswhy I checked all the details and I found it was real that she has so much relationship by texts and calls only few times meeting like he drop her, and she was and she is so happy with me she don't have any problem with me she is fully satisfied with me this all her words not once but always and that she loves me alott. When ever I am asking her why she cheated with me even after warnings, some times she is just silent and some times she says it was just mistake and forgive me I will not do this again, and some times she says she didn't felt she was doing wrong and she says now she new it was wrong, even I can not understand her mind.

[talaniman]

I have to tell you, that much of this is because she isn't doing anything wrong, but you have her boxed into a corner because you think it IS wrong, and have used a very strong term, "cheating", which you seem to attach to any contact you don't like. That may not be fair, but I suspect your attempts at communications are dominated by your own opinion, and anything that contradicts that is WRONG.

Without the listening with an open mind, YOU have no conversation, or communications. What you have is domination.

Seems your beef is with two particular "boys", And to be honest I cringe when a partner strictly "forbids" another, as that's something I have never done, preferring myself to get her input as an equal partner. More so I think your female may be afraid to be honest with you as you may not be open or receptive to any thing that goes against you way of thinking.

That may not be a reasonable position for honesty, or a good climate for honest communications. She has no room to disagree, and is forced to submit. That ain't honest.

Has she shown a temper, or refused to agree with you ever, on anything?? WHAT??

[man124]

My Dear Friend,

Just my simple question is that if your wife is hiding some relatiuons from you and some she is not hiding means what about the relations she is hiding from you and the other thing do you accept if your wife will have some boy friend and you know he is not a good person and why he is behind her because she told me he wants to marry her with whom you told her she should not have any communication but she is not stopping and hiding from you but later on you knew that she not only have relationship but so close just tell me one thing if you will know that your wife is talking to someone man in the mid of the nights till long hours and she knows morning early she need to go office also but still she is talking to him till 3:30 am means you will not mind, I don't know about you but in the world no one husband will accept this if it is normal friendship its OK like she has friends and I know them.

[talaniman]

Any man who cannot trust his female to handle herself, needs to leave, and get a dog for companionship.

[JudyKayTee]

Dear Talaniman,

I respect your views and thankfull for the comments, and yes i want to share with you some more information regarding your questions, first of all i trusted on her blindely thatswhy i never even imagine she can do like that, she has so many friends even some boys but they are ok some times they are calling her or they are coming to meet us even the boys, but regarding these 2 guys one of them when i saw him i felt like there is something thatswhy i checked all the details and i found it was real that she has so much relationship by texts and calls only few times meeting like he drop her, and she was and she is so happy with me she don't have any problem with me she is fully satisfied with me this all her words not once but always and that she loves me alott. when ever i am asking her why she cheated with me even after warnings, some times she is just silent and some times she says it was just mistake and forgive me i will not do this again, and some times she says she didn't felt she was doing wrong and she says now she new it was wrong, even i can not understand her mind.

I would have been gone the first time you badgered me. You don't understand her. I don't understand you.

Either live with it and drop it or do her a favor and move on.

And this is what happens when you snoop and confront.

[man124]

I'm totally not agree with you and please talk with manners if you can not respect someone at least don't insult.

[Mrsrojas87]

Do paternity testing on your children

[man124]

I Don't need to do something like that because I am sure they are mine kids, because I am sure she will have any physical relationship with any one, just the thing is disterbing me that why she can not respect me and keep her promises with me and not lie with me. Because in one marriage the base is trust on each other and when we can not have trust on each other then what is marriage and just want to know that after 3 to 4 times I found she is cheating me then how I can trust on her again? I think there is no reason to lie with husband

[Homegirl 50]

Where are you when she is talking to this man in the middle of the night? Do you sleep through it, does she leave the room?
I have a friend who lives in a different time zone from me, sometimes he forgets and we will text back and forth, (in the middle of the night) talking about politics or some personal problem he is having. He is a friend, nothing more and we talk a lot.

Stop snooping. You either trust your wife or you don't. Go to counseling, give your wife freedom to speak what is on her mind. Maybe you will discover this is nothing.
Stop demanding her to do things. You are her spouse, not her parent.
Divorce her or stay with her, but stop making demands on her.

[JudyKayTee]

i m totally not agree with you and please talk with manners if you can not respect someone atleast don't insult.

I realize you don't totally agree with anyone who disagrees with you.

There was nothing rude about what I said. I told you exactly how I see it. There was absolutely nothing insulting in my post.

Insulting would be to tell you that you believe your wife is having an affair ("cheating") but you aren't going to have DNA testing because you KNOW the children are yours and you are foolish. That would be insulting.

[talaniman]

I Don't need to do something like that because i am sure they are mine kids, because i am sure she will have any physical relationship with any one, just the thing is disterbing me that why she can not respect me and keep her promises with me and not lie with me. because in one marriage the base is trust on each other and when we can not have trust on each other then what is marriage and just want to know that after 3 to 4 times i found she is cheating me then how i can trust on her again? i think there is no reason to lie with husband

You will be lied to by anyone who is afraid of you, your react, and your lack of trust that all her communications are innocent, and not of a bad nature. She has no choice but to make promises she can't keep, since you would accept no other alternative. I mean what would you have done had she not made those promises, and shown you temper instead?

You keep using the word cheater toward her, but you have shown no cheating at all. The bottom line is you are forcing most of this drama on yourself, instead of talking, you demand, and threaten, and control. That could be seen as abusive, not physically, but emotionally, out of fear, and jealousy.

As head of the household, the man of the house, be a friend, and build an atmosphere of being able to communicate honestly, and freely, and there will be no need to snoop, or hide from your temper out of fear, of drastic actions, and words. This is one of the ways you help your female share all with you my friend, and brings more than trust, and maybe then you can face your own fears, and deal with them, and not project them on her.

I don't think she is cheating at all, or disrespecting you, just reacting to the way you behave, think, and treat her. If you had concerns then a better way to address them is by talking, not snooping. Confirming your fear, before you addressed your concerns was in my way of thinking a$$ backward, and made her your child, and not your partner.

It can be changed though, with softer words, and approach, where harshness has hardened you both. I hope you at least think about this though, because the path you are on will make her resent you, and distance herself from you.

So rethink this cheating crap, and see it for what it is, your own fears projected to her in the worse way. It doesn't have to be that way. I think you have made this a bigger deal than it should be, and not even thought that your approach to a solution, or resolution is better with honey, and not vinegar.

I mean you have a cute loving family, why not solve this with honest calm love, and not through control, and dominance? I will bet, though she begs your forgiveness, and makes promises, SHE doesn't think she is a cheater, and you are a jealous, controlling, snoop, who is not the loving husband she married.

Lighten up!

[Homegirl 50]

Why are you so sure she is cheating but the kids are yours? What constitutes cheating to you?

[man124]

Yes I think you are right but not hundred percent some how but I am the reason for that thank you so much for the advice in the end and yes I really don't want to destroy my small family we are happy just all what I need she should not hide any thing from me, if she is hiding I am feeling there is something wrong, any how I patchup with her already and she promised she will not hide any thing and also something I like her all friends but someone I know he is not a good person he want to flirt with her how its possible I will not ask her to be away from this person because in the end she is my responsibility and I don't want her to go wrong. But I hope now everything will be fine I am trying to forget for the past and look into the future and I hope she will not hide any thing from me again. Because I believe husband wife relation should be transparent and there should not be any lie or hiden because when you will know one is lying to other then difficult to trust again. Any how thank you so much for all of you and still if you have any coments please keep write me I will be more than happy.

[JudyKayTee]

... we are happy just all what i need she should not hide any thing from me, if she is hiding i am feeling there is something wrong, any how i patchup with her already and she promised she will not hide any thing and also something i like her all friends but someone i know he is not a good person he want to flirt with her how its possible i will not ask her to be away from this person because in the end she is my responsibility and i don't want her to go wrong. but I hope now everything will be fine ... i hope she will not hide any thing from me again. because i believe husband wife relation should be transparent and there should not be any lie or hiden because when you will know one is lieing to other then difficult to trust again. any how thank you so much for all of you and still if you have any coments please keep write me i will be more than happy.

You STILL don't get it! This is what YOU think, what YOU what, how YOU think SHE should behave!

It's all about you - what you need ("I need she should not hide anything ..."), what you want. She is NOT your responsibility. Keeping her from "going wrong" is not your responsibility. She isn't your child. She's your wife, your partner!

Maybe I'm too independent but my husband is not responsible for making and keeping me happy and for keeping me from "going wrong." I'm an adult - I can and do handle my own life, in conjunction with his life and our family together. Likewise, I don't keep him on the straight and narrow nor do I pick his friends nor does he rely on me for his personal happiness.

Of course she said she won't lie or hide anything ever again - at this point I think she's say whatever it is that you want to hear just to keep from hearing it over and over and over. You've badgered her into agreeing with you.

You don't want to hear this but this is a wake up call - I think you're going about this all wrong and you don't even see it.