[Erin314]

My fiancé and I have been together for over a year, and I have recently discovered that he has been cheating on me since we first got together. We live almost 2,000 miles away due to school and work commitments, and we will not be able to live together for another four years, so trust is extremely important. However, before I found out about these incidences and our trust was broken, we were perfect... I loved him and he loved me and no amount of miles could change that.
I have "discovered" his cheating four times in the past six months, and every time, he tells me that he is really going to change is afraid to lose me. He has cheated on me with his ex-girlfriends, his friend's fiancé, the wife of a man he works with every day, and girlfriends of his friends while they were deployed overseas. He also has a problem with porn, strip clubs, sexting, sending/receiving naked pictures/videos, and real life/online flirting. However, now, he says that it is for real, and he is really ready to stop and prove to me that I am his number one priority.

But the problem is that for the past few weeks I have been very controlling and telling him that I don't want him going out to bars, and that I want him to stay home and talk to me; and if god forbid he does go out with the guys, I freak out. I cry and just break down into such a deep depression that I can't eat, sleep or leave the house until he gets home and calls me... it worries me sick that he's still cheating on me. I have also asked him to give me his account name and passwords to his e-mail addresses and Facebook account, where I found that he is still talking to some of these women, giving them a "heads up" that I have the info and that they should contact him in other ways.

A few weeks ago I realize that I have romantic feelings for someone who is genuinely sweet and caring and has been a close friend for almost a year... he is hands-down the nicest man I have ever met and just so sincere; he is one of those kind hearts that just seems to really know how to be happy and make others happy. Without knowing anything about my relationship problems, he told me that I seem unhappy, and that he would like to help me - whenever I am ready, he would like to date me, but he said that for now he just wants to show me that I deserve someone who makes me happy.

... So, what would you do? I still love my fiancé to death and the thought of leaving him and NEVER seeing him again makes me sick to my stomach, but I am so afraid of getting hurt again and it's so hard to repair trust in a long-distance relationship... so do I stick it out with him and wait to see if he changes or give my friend a chance?

Thank you...

[LadySam]

If you are certain about all the cheating, then it is obvious that not only does he have no respect for your relationship, he has no respect for the relationships of his friends, coworkers and aquaintances.
What would I do in this situation? I would break it off and under no uncertain terms have absolutely no contact with him.
You cannot influence anything he does from 2000 miles away and why would you try?
It only leads to uncertainty, heartache and pain for you.
In the same respect it would not be fair to your friend to fall immediately into a relationship with him either.
As far as that goes it would be unfair to you. You would need time to heal and not bring that much baggage to a new relationship.
The choice is ultimately yours, but can you do this for another 4 years?
I certainly would not.

[Erin314]

Thank you LadySam... I am absolutely certain of the cheating... I found naked videos/pictures of other women and pictures of himself that he sent to them... as well as conversations referencing sexual encounters they had and confirmation from him, as well as a few of the other women. But the last time was almost two months ago and he swears that he has not since.

I told him I was thinking about leaving and he said that it doesn't make sense that I would stay with him after the cheating and then not give him an opportunity to show to me that he is willing to change.

[talaniman]

Don't expect him to change much, but do expect him to be a better more discreet cheater. Change your status with him to single and if he changes fine, if not, even better. He had his four chances already, but jumping from one guy to another is not a great idea without the proper healing time in between.

Whatever you decide don't waste 4 more years on cheater guy for sure! Just have fun and date on a friendly basis, and avoid latching on anyone while you go through the healing process.

[Erin314]

So before you get to thinking I'm a horrible human being... my fiancé and I have had a long-distance relationship for over a year, and he has been cheating on me since one week after we met. I have known about it for the past 10 months and it has happened with multiple women on many, many occasions. Every time, he said he would change and didn't, but now he says it's for real. However, we took a "break," because I was just too tired of putting work into a relationship that he did not respect, and during that time I met someone else. He is so sweet and caring and genuine, and now we are together... BUT, my fiancé has spent the past month really making an effort... he has gone to sex addicts meetings, spoken with a counselor, and he just seems more mature (although there are still instances where he will yell/scream at me, lose his temper, go out with "the guys" to the bars for 8+ hours and not call/text to check in, hang out with women he cheated on me with, etc.)

I just still find it hard to imagine marrying a man that spent almost a year of our relationship looking at me and thinking, "no, she's not enough. I need/want more." I've tried but I just can't stop thinking about him being intimate with another woman, let alone eight other women. I don't think I can forgive him, but whenever I go to break up with him, I get doubtful and think, "well, maybe he CAN change, maybe he can make me happy..."

So to all of the men/women out there who have been in the same spot, what did you do? Should I forgive a cheater and move on or take a chance with someone who is less likely to be so hurtful? Obviously, no matter what I decide, once I choose, it is over - if I choose to stay with my fiancé I have to forgive him and never look back, and the same goes for my "boyfriend." It's just so hard because my fiancé is over 2,000 miles away, so if we break up, I will never, ever see him again.

[mmresd]

That is not a relationship... end it asap and start fresh with someone else.

[DoulaLC]

Hi Erin,

Do you really think anyone is going to tell you to stay with a guy whom you can't trust, who has cheated on you at least 8 times, and probably more that you don't know about, yells and screams at you, hangs out at bars for over 8 hours, still contacts the women he cheated on you with, etc.

What would you tell your best girl friend to do if she shared the same story with you?

I think you already know the answer and what you need to do so that you can have the sort of relationship that you know you want and deserve.