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gretchAsketch7 · Apr 8, 2012, 08:02 PM

He puts everything else in his life first before me. We have plenty of time and no one is around but he makes excuses. I feel so unwanted and unattractive. :/

Alty · Apr 8, 2012, 08:15 PM

Only he knows his reasons. Have you talked to him about it? Communication in a relationship is very important, in fact, it's the most important thing if you want your relationship to be healthy. So sit down with him, tell him how you feel, ask him what's going on.

Jimmy78 · Apr 8, 2012, 08:46 PM

Sounds like my ex girlfriend, she would tell me things like she is tired, trying to catch up on sleep, or we have no privacy and no one is around us. But what is funny is how she was this perfect girlfriend for the losers that she dated before me and was on her job for them.

gretchAsketch7 · Apr 9, 2012, 05:36 AM

I have spoken to him several times on the issue. All I ever get is more excuses. When we first started dating our sex drives were equally matched. Even if people were home things would happen. Then everything changed. He no longer makes jokes, hints at wanting it, and never ever gets aroused anymore even in the mornings with morning wood. He keeps saying he doesn't understand why he doesn't want to either but when the time comes I get more excuses. I tell him everyday he's a good looking man which is not a lie. I guess my main questions are: is there a possibility he's messing around on the side when I'm not around? What can I do to boost his sex drive back to where it used to be or even more than once every four months? And does this happen to a lot of guys?

Alty · Apr 9, 2012, 02:53 PM

Originally Posted by gretchAsketch7

I have spoken to him several times on the issue. All I ever get is more excuses. When we first started dating our sex drives were equally matched. Even if people were home things would happen. Then everything changed. He no longer makes jokes, hints at wanting it, and never ever gets aroused anymore even in the mornings with morning wood. He keeps saying he doesn't understand why he doesn't want to either but when the time comes I get more excuses. I tell him everyday he's a good looking man which is not a lie. I guess my main questions are: is there a possiblity he's messing around on the side when I'm not around? What can I do to boost his sex drive back to where it used to be or even more than once every four months? And does this happen to a lot of guys?

What's going on in his life? Does he have a lot of stress? Bills? A new job? School? Could it be that you're bringing up sex too often, adding to his stress?

There's no way we can know if he's messing around. It's always a possibility. Everyone has the capacity to cheat. Is he? Only he knows.

As for boosting his sex drive, try putting yourself in his shoes. Maybe a nice night out, or making his favorite meal. A stress free evening on the couch where all you expect is cuddle time.

It does happen to a lot of guys, and girls too. I know that for me, when I'm stressed, the last thing I want to do is have sex. I work all day, take care of the house and kids all night, with little help from my spouse. It's pretty hard to get in the mood when all the stress is on your shoulders.

Maybe his excuses aren't really excuses. Maybe that's really what's going on. If not, then the fact that he can't talk to you is a big red flag. Not that he's cheating, but that he's not really as deep into this relationship as you are. If you can't talk to the person you are supposed to love more than anything, then why are you with that person?

gretchAsketch7 · Apr 9, 2012, 03:07 PM

That's true. Good point. Thank you for helping by the way. His stress levels are less than half of mine. I bring it up only when we are alone, so maybe 1 once or twice a week. I trust him and don't even want to consider him cheating and the signs aren't there, so I'm going on the idea that he's staying faithful. I always try to help reduce his stress. I can't cook to safe my life so that's out :) haha we go out on a date at least once a week. Could there be too much togetherness? What is a non-offensive way of asking about his level of committement?

Alty · Apr 9, 2012, 04:19 PM

Originally Posted by gretchAsketch7

That's true. Good point. Thank you for helping by the way. His stress levels are less than half of mine. I bring it up only when we are alone, so maybe 1 once or twice a week. I trust him and don't even want to consider him cheating and the signs aren't there, so I'm going on the idea that he's staying faithful. I always try to help reduce his stress. I can't cook to safe my life so that's out :) haha we go out on a date at least once a week. Could there be too much togetherness? What is a non-offensive way of asking about his level of committement?

Do you two live together? If you mentioned that already, I'm sorry. I forgot. :)

How much time do you two spend together? Maybe it is too much. Sometimes absence does make the heart grow fonder. Why not go out with your friends once a week for coffee, or shopping. Join a craft group, or something else you enjoy doing.

As for asking him about his level of commitment. Well, I'm a straightforward type of person. If I want to know something, I just ask. Sit him down, tell him that you're worried about your relationship, that you noticed that the spark (sex) seems to have died, and you want to know why, if it's something you're doing, or if he's just not that into you anymore. Tell him that you want to know if this relationship is going anywhere. Sometimes a serious heart to heart is needed. Just keep your cool, don't get emotional about it, which won't be easy. Think about what you're going to say before you sit him down. Make sure there are no distractions, that you can each focus completely on what the other is saying. If it helps, write down what you want to say, but don't just give him a letter. The notes are for you so that you can stay focused and not veer off into some other issue (we women tend to do that).

I know it's not easy to tell someone you love that you're not happy with the way things are, but if you don't tell him, and make yourself heard, then things won't change. Sadly men aren't very good at reading minds, and they're even worse at taking a hint. With men you have to be direct, and blunt. You have to tell him what's wrong, otherwise he'll never figure it out.

kytcd6 · Apr 9, 2012, 05:25 PM

Originally Posted by gretchAsketch7

He puts everything else in his life first before me. We have plenty of time and no one is around but he makes excuses. I feel so unwanted and unattractive. :/

You need to move on & find someone who will love-( you 4 you ) and not make you feel so unwanted and unattractive... "" My mother all ways said this to me growing up :: There's more then one-fish in the sea"

You need a real man in your life >>>NOT A BOY!

kytcd6
USA

Alty · Apr 9, 2012, 05:26 PM

Originally Posted by kytcd6

You need to move on & find someone who will love-( you 4 you ) and not make you feel so unwanted and unattractive.... "" My mother all ways said this to me growing up :: There's more then one-fish in the sea"

You need a real man in your life >>>NOT A BOY !!

kytcd6
USA

I have to ask. Why is he a boy, and doesn't love her, just because he's not in the mood for sex?

Everyone has times in their life where sex isn't the most important thing on their mind, it's not the be all end all.

Sex doesn't equal love, or manhood.

mmresd · Apr 9, 2012, 05:45 PM

He could have a low sex drive, be depressed about something, have something on the side, maybe he has low self esteem, etc.

There are hundreds of reasons... what has he said when you confronted him about it?

lemarkstaurt · Apr 10, 2012, 05:18 AM

May be he is self conscious about his own short comings. He may not like something that he really can't share with you.

gretchAsketch7 · Apr 10, 2012, 10:23 PM

We live together and are going to get engaged soon. The only reason I am worried is because its been four months. When we talk about it he just sort of rolls his eyes and says he needs to do something else. The one thing he is unhappy with his body about are some scars that he knows I can't even see because of my bad eyes. We used to do it about 2 or 3 times a week then suddenly it stopped for no reason. Its been 4 months since the last time. In the past 9 and a half months its been one time.

Wondergirl · Apr 10, 2012, 10:47 PM

Are you regularly mentioning sex and how you miss it, so that every time he looks at you, he knows the word "sex" is going to come out of your mouth? I'm thinking it's time to get some other interests going--learn to knit or crochet, join a book discussion group at the library, volunteer at the animal shelter or read books to bed-bound or blind residents of nursing homes. Don't be so "available" and yes, needy. Even if you don't think you are, HE may think that and is turned off, feels that pressure to perform ("rolls his eyes").

talaniman · Apr 14, 2012, 10:17 PM

How are other areas of the relationship? Generally lack of sex is a symptom of issues that need to be addressed in other areas of the relationship. The red flag is that you don't know what it is, or have enough communications to find out, and resolve it together.

Another red flag is he isn't sharing his thoughts with you. That's the whole thing, its probably not about sex, and until you stop taking it personally, and be able to talk, very little progress will be made. Look around at your life, and see what's really being neglected.

Or else don't get married.