[mogrann]

Some history I lost my kids when they were young and they went into foster care and were later adopted. I was in contact with three of them as adults and they decided to not talk to me. I have believe it is their choice if they want to see me and I do respect their decision. One is back to contact with me. I am allowed to call once a week. I am in treatment (DBT) for Borderline Personality Disorder and am looking at graduating in Sept-Nov of this year.

The issue. The last phone call mention was made of abuse suffered in the foster home, and his fear of being abandoned. I acknowledge this is all my fault! So many things I could have done but did not. How in the heck do you radically accept what happened when it affected someone else? What can I say beyond sorry it was my fault?

[Jake2008]

I don't think there is anything worse than guilt, when it comes to our children.

No matter what the circumstances were, or the choices made, or the direction their lives took, there will always be regrets that this part of their lives, or that part of their lives, would have turned out better- had we not made mistakes.

Nobody I have ever known as a parent, has been able to turn back the clock, and re-live parts of their lives. For whatever reason your kids were taken from you, you accept that you made mistakes, and apologize. That is all you can do. I'm sure if you could turn back the clock, you would have done things differently.

To beat yourself up now, serves no useful purpose, and will not change anything.

That your children are adults, means that they too, have to make a choice to deal with the problems they encountered when they were young. In your case, you lost your children and that has probably caused resentment and anger. For others, it was their parents splitting and Dad getting custody, and his new wife abused the kids. You would still likely even be blamed in that scenario, because if you hadn't divorced him, they would have had a better upbringing!

I can understand how difficult it must have been for you to contact them, and I appreciate that you are willing to try to have relationships with them now. I also admire you for your acceptance that they may never fully accept you.

But, you cannot allow yourself to be dragged into the past, because of events you had no control over at that time.

Instead, maybe suggest that counselling might help them deal with the abandonment issues and the abuse issues. You cannot fix those issues for them. They are adults now.

Let them know you have regrets, and feel the pain of knowing that they too suffered during the years. But at some point, the past has to be put in the past.

I hope that 'chapter' in all of your lives can be put to rest, and in time you will have good relationships with your children.

[talaniman]

The issue. The last phone call mention was made of abuse suffered in the foster home, and his fear of being abandoned. I acknowledge this is all my fault! So many things I could have done but did not. How in the heck do you radically accept what happened when it affected someone else? What can I say beyond sorry it was my fault?

Your guilt has prevented you from being objective. Instead you put the whole weight of the world, and the "suffering" of others as your cross to bear. Its not, as your children's abuses are NOT your fault, and if in fact they are abused, or simply just hurting, what can be gained by your guilt. Stop apologizing, once is enough, and no you are not in a position to control situations as you are struggling with your own.

The light at the end of the tunnel, you are dealing with your own issues, and are on a path to soon be able to make a difference by being better than you were. Know this, and hold this FACT close to you, and gain strength from it, as its only a matter of time now, that you will be able to help more, because you are helping yourself.

So don't be overwhelmed, just take smaller bites of the issues. Get facts, to get insights without OVER REACTING, and this guilt will be put in its proper perspective. In the past. As I have been following your other posts, it strikes me as you have every reason to be hopeful, even though its not such a smooth easy path, but you have worked hard to overcome, and have not given in, or given up.

Never forget that, as issues pop up to be dealt with, because they seem so huge now, but you will find a way, as you can. You have acknowledge the issues, so forget the guilt as you work toward a solution.

Let your actions be your apology now, as "I am sorry" is but a hopeful word. I have no doubt you will move to do your best despite the obstacles, and succeed.

[Wondergirl]

I look back over my life and think about all the choices I've had and the sometimes wrong decisions I made, decisions that sometimes affected me and my children in a psychologically harmful way. But I did make those choices knowing what I knew at the time. I can't replay the tape; I can't change my personal history. And some of those choices were taken out of my hands and made for me because I couldn't make them myself for some reason. All I can do is ask for forgiveness, but not beat myself up over it all. And not continually ask for forgiveness and keep playing the guilt card. That won't benefit me or anyone else. If I do that, we will only continue to wallow in guilt and in accusations.

Like you, I've grown so much as I've aged and accomplished so much good along the way. I've learned how to interact better and found positive ways of living and reaching out socially. My love for my cats--and their unconditional love for me--has been life affirming, just as Owen has added an immeasurably wonderful quality to your own life.

Ask yourself like I ask myself -- Where are you now? What do you "bring to the table"? Mogrann, do you realize how many people love you and are totally charmed by your ordinary comments and your stories of Owen? You can't start over, but here you are right now. Like someone once said, "Today is the first day of the rest of your life."

[mogrann]

Thank you all. I did read and all of the comment struck a chord with me. I guess this is just another chance to grow and change. It still hurts what has happened. Yes Owen has been one thing in my life that has helped me change. I want to be the best dog owner in the world for him.
I see lots of mindfulness exercise over this issue. Thank you all as this site has helped me grow and change so much. You all are part of me getting better as much as my DBT program is .

[Alty]

Mogrann, one thing I've learned is that you can't change the past, no matter how badly you want to.

We've all made mistakes, we've all been through hard times, and we all have to learn to accept what we've been through, and move on.

You had no control over the abuse your child suffered. Your guilt isn't warranted. You did what you thought was best and what needed to be done. The abuse he suffered was at someone else's hands.

Think of it this way. You feeling guilt because of what he went through, would be the same as my parents feeling guilt that my cousin molested me. They had no idea that it was going on, just like you didn't know. They weren't to blame. The only person to blame is my cousin, and I forgave her a long time ago. Doesn't mean that I'm over it, but being mad about it for the rest of my life only hurts me. It does nothing to her, and most of all, it doesn't change what happened.

Guilt, anger, those are wasted emotions. You can't keep looking over your shoulder at what happened yesterday. You can only change how you go forward. Things that are in the past, they are what they are. You can't change them, you won't change them no matter how much guilt you feel. You can't take back yesterday, but you're in complete control of tomorrow.