[Molly P]

Our DIL is a very controllng person of our son, or so it seems to us. They will not visit unless there is a reason such as they are on the way to her friends house and if we say just come over on the weekend they are always too busy. So once a month or so, we ask to meet our son for lunch near his work so that we would not interfere in their lives on weekends. However we met our son two days ago in town for lunch and our DIL "came to say hello" but would not stay to eat with us. She quickly went away again and I am wonderng whether her feelngs were hurt as we did not ask to meet with her. But sometimes we would like just to spend an hour with our son especially as we thought it would not interefere with weekends and once every month we thought its OK just to have lunch with our son. Does anyone thiink its OK just to meet with your married son alone for an hour, or should we always ask our DIL to come as well. I really don't want to hurt my DILs feelngs, but I also as does my husband would like to talk with our son... my husband and son talk about football and we talk about movies, its really nothing to important but nice to just chat without DIL as when we do see her, she really finds it hard to talk to us and it seems to me that all the conversation is focused on trying to find a topic of conversation that suits her.

[Jake2008]

I see nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with just your son. Lunch sounds like a very nice outing for the three of you, once in a while.

But...

It has to be balanced to some degree in my opinion. If you think of your daughter in law as being controlling, and things are strained a bit with her, she may very well see your 'son only' lunches as a way of avoiding her.

Why not instead of just asking them over on the weekend sometime, that you specifically ask them over for dinner Saturday night at six p.m. If that isn't good, offer the following Friday night. Or, tell them that you want to take them out for dinner, and to pick a date in the month of May. Then make the arrangements. Maybe for her birthday?

If you can, try to also consider taking just her out for lunch sometime. My in-laws did that for me every now and again, just me! No kids, no husband- just me and them. I so treasure those memories now that they are both gone. They were so considerate.

See if you can't bridge that invisible sort of gap with her, by doing just simple things. Find out things she might like to do, maybe she enjoys live theater, and you and her can go see a good play, while your husband and son watch the hockey game.

What I do know is, if you overthink these things, and have feelings that you may be either avoiding or neglecting her, or she may may be avoiding or neglecting you, step up and be the gracious one, and try to make some firm plans to get to know her better. If you don't, there will only be more problems down the road.

Best of luck.

[Alty]

I think it's perfectly fine for you to have lunch with just your son. Just because they're married doesn't mean they have to do everything together, and he is your son.

When my parents were alive I often met with them for lunch, just me, because my husband was either busy, or working. He understood that I needed time alone with my parents sometimes. But then, my parents got along very well with my husband.

When my son was born and I was on maternity leave I spent a lot of time with them while my husband was at work. It never bothered him.

Your DIL shouldn't feel left out. She has parents too. She should understand the bond.

[Molly P]

Thank you both for your answers. Jake 2008... we are planning a Christmas in July, the four of us in a restaurant... at least I am plannng it now! We do try and be accommodating to our DIL e.g.. . Our son and DIL went to another city to spend Christmas with her family, the second year in a row... so we invited all our family for an early Christmas a few days before they left as we wanted to be kind to her. I always try to be kind to my DIL but sometimes I get the feeling that she would like to portray me as the wicked MIL but I will try not to think this way. Also my DIL maybe doesn't understand bonds between parents and grown up children as she tells us that she does not talk to her parents for months sometimes.. I once asked how her mother was and she replied that she hadn't spoken to her in three weeks, to which I said that "perhaps you should call your mother" and then my DIL told me not to lecture her! I did not hink that sayng "perhaps you should call...." was lecturing, but I apologised anyway.
I must be a wicked MIL!

[JudyKayTee]

Thank you both for your answers. Jake 2008....we are planning a Christmas in July, the four of us in a restaurant....at least I am plannng it now! We do try and be accommodating to our DIL e.g. .. Our son and DIL went to another city to spend Christmas with her family, the second year in a row....so we invited all our family for an early Christmas a few days before they left as we wanted to be kind to her. I always try to be kind to my DIL but sometimes i get the feeling that she would like to portray me as the wicked MIL but i will try not to think this way. Also my DIL maybe doesnt understand bonds between parents and grown up children as she tells us that she does not talk to her parents for months sometimes..i once asked how her mother was and she replied that she hadnt spoken to her in three weeks, to which i said that "perhaps you should call your mother" and then my DIL told me not to lecture her! I did not hink that sayng "perhaps you should call...." was lecturing, but i apologised anyway.
I must be a wicked MIL!

I see some passive/aggressive behavior here on your part. "[I] must be a wicked MIL."?

If I said I hadn't talked to my mother in 3 weeks and you came back with, "Perhaps you should call" I would also have a problem. She already has a mother. She doesn't need two of them. Of course, if she asks for your advice or input, that's a different situation.

I married a widower with children - he sometimes spends time alone with one or all of them. I have no problem with that. In fact, I think it's healthy for them, BUT my stepchildren don't cause a problem between us.

Why do you "get the feeling" she'd like to portray you as evil? Something she's said? Something someone else has said?

Have you ever said anything about your DIL to your son, anything critical or judgmental? How was your relationship before he married her? Sometimes the most difficult part of being a MIL (or stepmother) is keeping your mouth shut.

[redhed35]

Does your son ever visit of his own accord just because he wants too?

Is it always you that does the asking?