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wrigley_74 · Mar 27, 2012, 12:14 PM

My 18 1/2 year old daughter dated a boy who is spoiled, and has some obvious anger issues. My daughter is a senior in high school as well. This boy is almost 21. There are not a lot of people I don't like but I have had some reservations about him since the begging, and he has done some things that my husband and I don't approve of.Most of which are how he should be treating our daughter.
He was supposed to make up a date with her , in which he came to pick her up she was all dressed up and when she asked where they were going, he told her he didn't make any plans that they were going to go his parents house. Long story short she was upset , he threw shoes at her head from upstairs and when she started crying he threatened to hit her. His parents came home had it out with him in which he stormed out and spead down the street in his sports car. His dad brought our daughter home and said that he would not let her date his son that the way he treated her was not acceptable. Now our daughter broke up with him a month ago but come to find out she is trying to start another relationship with him. My husband and I told her that she can't date him and that if she chooses to that we will not pay for school or a car for her. My daughter doesn't care however she is living in my home and we are taking her to work, teaching her to drive ( because she is a late bloomer) trying to get her to be independent.. However she is being disrespectful and still thinks she can date this boy who is abusive, she says she is not choosing between us, that we are making her choose. We told her that she is an adult and if she is going to make adult choices than she needs to figure it out. Now with this said she is not in any position to move out , but thinks she can be disrespectful and still live at home. My husband and I are debating if we should kick her out with 3 months of high school left only because she is at a point where she does not think we will , but will continue to drive her where she needs to go. Don't know if the tough love approach is going to be good or bad, but are tired of being disrespected and don't think we can keep her from this boy?

alkalineangel · Mar 27, 2012, 01:28 PM

When I was a teenager, there was a rule that regardles of how old you were, if you lived under mom and dad's house, you followed their rules. If you missed curfew you were locked out, and the car would be taken away for a weekend. (we made payments, but it was technically in their name) If you had a boyfriend girlfriend, they were welcome at acceptable hours and in rooms with open doors. If boyfriend/girlfriend was disrespectful, they were unwelcome. If we were disrespectful, we were grounded. We all had jobs, and half the pay was required to go into a college savings account run by our parents.plain and simple.

If we didn't like it and were over 18 we were allowed to seek other living arrangements provided we didn't need any help for our parents ( no co-signing, no deposits, nothing). If we were not yet 18, we were told that we didn't have to like it, but their job was to parent us, and that was what they would do. Worked well for us. Sometimes tough love is what you need.

JudyKayTee · Mar 30, 2012, 07:13 AM

You say she's a late bloomer - what exactly does that mean? Are there mental or physical issues?

Is this in the US, Canada, somewhere else?

At 18-1/2 there are two problems - she's obviously not an adult and if you throw her out you might throw her straight into the arms of the abusive "boyfriend." Where would she go if you threw her out?

I've seen lots of very stable homes with very strict rules producing children who are pregnant at 18 (give or take). Rules do not guarantee that the "child" won't go behind the parents' backs. What have the "rules" of the household been up until now?

What would I do (and I have five stepchildren I've raised from various ages)? I'd sit down and ask what the attraction to the boyfriend is all about. What does she see in him? What does she like about him? I wouldn't judge or criticize or be difficult. I'd hear what she had to say. And, yes, my "steps" have dated people who made my skin crawl BUT we had an open line of communication and no one had to sneak around.

Throw her out with minimal education and you'll create a bigger problem than you already have - in my opinion.