What should I do?

Danny187 · Feb 28, 2007, 10:22 PM

Well I've been going out with my girlfriend for about a month now. And I really like her, and she tells me she really likes me too and that she can't wait to see me and stuff... But one day we had a talk cause I've been showing too much interest in her and haven't really gave her her breathing room if u get what I'm saying. And yesterday she said just relax and chill and everything will be okay I believe in us.. and I want to be with you. Then I saw her today we went to church and stuff and when I got home and she called we talked for a while and I was like today u were acting a little weird I still had fun but u acted a little weird. And she said, "i know its just that im still not quite sure about some things still, like i havent gotten were u are now." And I asked her what she wasn't sure about so that we can talk about it and she said she didn't know.. But I asked her if she really wanted to see me today and she said yes. Like before I saw her she's like I really want to see you. Just after church I asked her why she was acting a little weird and that's the response she told me... What should I do? What's going on? Can I get some advice here.. lol... thanks =]

kp2171 · Feb 28, 2007, 10:28 PM

Back off.

You're smothering her.

Don't think that being in her face will be endearing.

If you back away (without being rude or ignoring her) and she initiates seeing you... ta da... she wants to see you.

If you back away and she steps back too... well she likely was headed that way anyway.

Your goal is not to be her girlfriend. You don't need to be with her every minute. You don't need to talk for hours and hours over needless stuff.

Yes. You like her large. Just back off a little. Smother her too much and shell feel like she's got to choose between you or everything else in her life.

So don't ignore her. Don't be mean or rude. But don't be unsure and needy. That just isn't attractive.

RELAX. Have fun.

Danny187 · Feb 28, 2007, 10:32 PM

I am having fun and relaxed... but I just don't want to be waisting my time.. I have been giving her, her space... But I really don't want to waste my time. And I don't make plans to see her she's always like oh on Friday I can't see you cause I have to go to a wedding but Saturday we can hang out.. I mean she shows the interest and I am trying not to show her that much attention but I just don't know what "im still not sure about some things" means

kp2171 · Feb 28, 2007, 10:39 PM

Well... maybe she wasn't ready to be in a relationship, or she wasn't prepared to like you as much as she does. That's the other side... that she isn't trying to back away, she's just feeling overwhelmed.

I think its too early to be too worried. You've been dating a short time. What's another month or two? Give her time to find her balance. If she decides to step back, you've really not wasted your time.

Now if she's still back and forth in 6 mo, then its time to rethink things.

Danny187 · Feb 28, 2007, 10:48 PM

Well she wanted me to be in a relationship with her cause the 1st time we went out or hung out... she wanted me to ask her to be my girlfriend and I didn't ask her.. I just talk to her and was just having fun.. the following weekend is when I asked her out.. so she wanted to be in a realationship and she still there showing me interest and talking to me over aim, calling me, wanting me to go to church with her... so I don't know what "im not sure about somethings" I guess the best thing for me to do is just back off and start slow again.

Danny187 · Mar 1, 2007, 01:14 PM

I don't know what to do!! Should I talk to her? Or just let it be and see what happens... IDK!!

kp2171 · Mar 1, 2007, 01:53 PM

Can't say anything I haven't already said.

You seem to be panicking. Means you are not in control.

You can't MAKE her anything. If she's got feelings to work out its not like there's some magic thing you can do to make it come out in your favor. You CAN do things to make your situation worse, like fret and hover and worry.

Back off. Relax. Again, paranoia and worrying are really not attractive attributes.

You're looking for the magic "fix it" button. There isn't one. Geez... you dont even know if anything is busted to begin with.

She does some self examination and you're feeling like you are on the edge? Stop it.

Be confident in yourself. Everything else will follow as it needs to.

Lowtax4eva · Mar 1, 2007, 02:58 PM

Stop being pushy about seeing her, let her call you! Don't outright ignore her but let her make the next move, don't call her to be asking what's wrong, if she needs to work something out let her.

I think what she means is she's not sure what kind of relationship she feels like you have or what she wants it to be. Honestly, don't worry about it so much. If she is acting weird like one day she wants to be togethe, the next day not, just dump her and move on. Is it worth weeks of not knowing what's going on to have a few good days together?

For now just calm down and let her call you, maybe it will all work out and this little weird time will just pass.

Danny187 · Mar 1, 2007, 05:22 PM

What do I do if she calls me? Or imms me?? Should I tell her I'm busy or I can't talk? Or should I just be plain and just let her talk and just say oh, really, lol, cool, that's nice?

Lowtax4eva · Mar 1, 2007, 05:28 PM

Just talk to her, if she says she wants to do something together, make plans, if she wants to have a long boring talk about your relationship... ummm, well welcome to most guys lives.

Kidding, but if she wants to talk about the things she is not sure about as she put it, just talk about it.

Nohitter410 · Mar 1, 2007, 05:29 PM

Don't lie and say you are giving her space. It has nothing to do with how you view what space is or what it means to you. Absolutely nothing. She obviously likes you but it has been a month. We are not saying ignore her, we are not saying don't show you care but you just need to find a balance and obviously you haven't.

Just by reading your comments I can tell you are needy and aren't giving her the type of space SHE NEEDS AND WANTS!! You are not her girlfriend or her therapist, you are there to be her rock and whatever problems she is going through in her life or the stress she has you are there to let her get away as an escape. It is sort of like a baseball player who has a parent die or a family member die but in that 3 hours he can escape and forget about that and do something he loves.

It isn't to that extreme but a girl wants a man who she can lean on and who can protect her but also let her live and be a woman. She always needs to like you more than you like her or at least think that. You see she said I am not where you are now means she knows she has you and that scares her because you aren't going anywhere, you have now become safe and predictable. You talk everyday, see each other all the time, she always knows where you are. Only 1 month in. You need to keep things loose and just be busy and find other things to do outside of her and then your time together will be that much more enjoyable and have much more to talk about then about how she is feeling or what she is thinking.

Give her the space that she wants not what you think she wants or your interpretation of space. But also don't ask her what she meant or what space she wants. Just do it. Don't bring it up just show her that she will have to work to keep you.

ordinaryguy · Mar 1, 2007, 06:20 PM

Originally Posted by Danny187

i guess the best thing for me to do is just back off and start off slow again.

There's your answer--in your own words. What could be more perfect?

Originally Posted by Danny187

what do i do if she calls me? or imms me???? should i tell her im busy or i can't talk? or should i just be plain and just let her talk and just say oh, really, lol, cool, thats nice ??

Don't obsess over what you'll do because it will keep you from being the real you. Don't develop strategies and play games. Just stay out of her face for awhile, and if she contacts you, be honest and natural.

Lighten up, man, before you blow it for no good reason. I think the fact that she's taking a pause to catch her breath speaks well of her. Pay attention. You're probably going to learn some valuable lessons from her, not even necessarily the hard way, unless you insist on doing it that way.

Vienna111 · Mar 1, 2007, 06:23 PM

Nohitter seems to have the right answer, got a similar issue myself, and just decided to ack off let her be and hopefully things will ecome OK, and it will all go well. Very dificult to do, but just do it for the sake of the relationship.
Take Care

Danny187 · Mar 2, 2007, 06:38 PM

Ahaha @ my girlfriend... she said she wanted space for a day and I told her that sounds good cause I'm going to be busy for the whole day and then after I said that she said nvm I want to talk to you tonight.. . this girl

kp2171 · Mar 2, 2007, 07:51 PM

This is more common than you think.

So now you get it, right? Too clingy and spending too much time wondering what to do next only upsets your stomach.

You backed off and its fine now. Or at least she's coming to you.

A guy who is there all the time at beck and call is a butler or a girlfriend. Your job should be neither.

Glad you are making progress.

If she plays games too much, walk away. At some point the drama may not be worth it.

But you seem to have her attention.

Danny187 · Mar 3, 2007, 12:40 AM

She just talked to me and I guess we broke up cause she doesn't feel the same for me cause she's really confused... she said that space might do the trick but she's not sure but that she still wants to be friends and she doesn't know what the future holds... I don't know what went wrong... I mean I talked to all my girl friends and they said things are suppose to be "perfect" the 1st couple of months and that's how things were going.. but my girlfriend said that things went perfect and that she didn't like it... why... why... why do the good nice guys always get kicked to the curb.. this is bull, I'm too good for her

ordinaryguy · Mar 3, 2007, 06:07 AM

Originally Posted by Danny187

but my gf said that things went perfect and that she didnt like it....

I know how hard it is to learn the lesson you've just been taught. Some people, at some stage in their life, just can't tolerate stability and happiness. There's some kind of primal urge that insists on creating radical change, no matter the collateral damage or practical consequences. You're collateral damage from her emotional earthquake.

It will sound nonsensical to you if I tell you not to take it personally. How could you not take betrayal personally? I know, believe me. But the truth is that it really didn't have anything to do with you, or what you did or didn't do, or how you treated her, or whether you loved her well enough, or any of that. You did fine. You made her feel safe and calm and relaxed. The problem is that she can't allow herself to feel these things right now. She will have change and drama, danger and conflict no matter what it costs her. It's already cost her a lot, and she's only beginning to pay the bills that will eventually come due.

Originally Posted by Danny187

why... why... why do the good nice guys always get kicked to the curb.. this is bull, im too good for her shes a

You didn't get kicked to the curb, you're collateral damage. One is personal, the other isn't. Don't learn the wrong lesson from this and think you have to become hard and unfeeling and controlling. The take-away lesson for you is to be more discerning next time about the maturity, honesty and moral depth of a person before you give them your heart.