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Firepixiex0 · Mar 4, 2012, 10:31 AM

Hello all, I have a little bit of a dilemma. I'm a 22 year old female living at home. My mother underwent minor hip surgery after a fall about 2 weeks ago. I took unpaid time off work to care for her while she was in recovery, and pretty much ceased to go out for the last few weeks. Last night I finally went out again for a friend's birthday and my dad stayed with my mom. Today she's mad at me and will not speak to me, but I overheard her telling my aunt who lives overseas that I'm a bad daughter and that I have so many weekends to go out but I couldn't wait. I don't understand how what I did is wrong. She hasn't started physical therapy yet but is on crutches and can move around just fine, and its not like I even left her by herself she was with my dad and she was going to sleep anyway. But she made this big domestic issue out of it and now my dad is upset at me too. I feel like she expects me to put my life on hold until she can walk normally 100%. Am I wrong for what I did? Thanks in advance for reading.

DoulaLC · Mar 4, 2012, 10:46 AM

Personally, I don't think it was wrong. She wasn't left on her own, she was going to bed, and you have been helping out for the last couple of weeks. I am guessing that you didn't just up and leave without mentioning it? Did she know you were going out for a friend's birthday? If so, did she voice anything about wishing you would stay to help?

I don't know if you had talked with her about your plans ahead of time, if not, perhaps that might have made a difference. I don't know if she is the type who likes to be dramatic and gain sympathy from others.

I would mention it to her. Let her know that you overheard her comment to your aunt and that you are very hurt by it. It is unfortunate that she failed to mention that you have been taking unpaid time off work for a couple of weeks to help out.

I'm not sure why your father is upset since he obviously knew you were going out as he was there to help her if she needed anything. Or is he just upset at you because your mom got upset?

talaniman · Mar 4, 2012, 05:44 PM

Even a slave needs a break once and a while. Don't take this personally. Are you still working?

indya · Mar 9, 2012, 01:41 AM

She's just overreacting. Loss of freedom, specially being dependent on others for her basic personal needs may have made a little cranky.

You have done nothing wrong. Don't feel bad about yourself, you did what any good daughter would have done for her mother. Also, you needed a break, it was nothing wrong to leave your mom in your dad's care and go for a birthday.

What I feel is, since your mother is down dependent so much on you while she recovers, she must have felt bad and a little jealous too about you going out while she can barely perform her daily tasks. You see, here at work was a kind of envy that people feel when they are deprived of something.

Don't take her comments too personally. And try to talk to your dad and her and explain how you felt, but don't make it an emotionally charged discussion. Be calm and cool.

Jake2008 · Mar 9, 2012, 06:48 AM

Even full time care givers, need a break!

I'm not sure I would bring up the conversation you overheard, but, I would set a few boundaries, when she is in the mood for a conversation.

Tell her that your leave of absence cannot go on forever, and you cannot afford to not have an income. Ask her what she is going to do, or is thinking of doing, when you return to work. If you have a date, that's even better.

If she feels she needs help, she should speak to her Doctor about having someone in during the day to assist with meals, shower's, etc. or just to check on her, while you are at work. Enlist the help of any relatives that might be available to rotate visitis.

Because she is able to get around without too much difficulty, you are now running the risk, of being available 24/7, that she will become dependent on you, and this will be unhelpful with her recovery. Unless her Doctor feels she needs 24/7 care, which it doesn't sound like, think about being there less, and actually helping her gain back her independence.

You need to get back to work, and feel less responsible for your mother, and allow her to learn to be more dependent on herself, and less dependent on you.