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JD594 · Mar 3, 2012, 11:03 AM

So I'm 24 and have been dating this girl for about 3 years. But lately I've been wondering about our relationship and lots of things have been running through my mind. We recently have been talking and she pointed out how we really don't have too much in common and don't really like a lot of the same things. We're trying to work on this, but I don't this is going well. Also, she pointed out how we're becoming more distant, like there isn't that spark we had when we were first dating, kind of like we've settled for where we're at in our relationship. I don't feel attracted to her as much, and I don't know if I love her as much as I used to.

I spend lots of time with her, I see her almost everyday, but sometimes I feel like I need to be away from her. When I hang out with a group of friends I feel like I'm more comfortable without her there. She doesn't have many close friends in town and I feel like I'm her only support system. I feel like she's too clingy and she gets her feelings hurt if she doesn't get invited to every single thing I'm doing.

So I guess what I'm getting at is when do you know it's time to call it quits?

Raiise · Mar 3, 2012, 03:04 PM

As you were together 3 years are you sure you want to jump straight into a break up, especially as unsure of what to do? There is a risk you may regret it as you're so used to being with her, and this feeling you're feeling at the moment may only. Perhaps ask for a break first and see how you both find that.

talaniman · Mar 3, 2012, 07:50 PM

Hello again JD, is this another girl than before, if not it seems like you hooked up with another rather fast after the last one.

What's telling is neither of you communicates. That's how resolutions, solutions, and adjustments are made. When they cannot, then honestly is the way to approach this. So tell her the truth, and work on it, or leave it alone.

JD594 · Mar 3, 2012, 08:34 PM

Hey talaniman. She's still the same girl from my other posts. We've been communicating pretty well, but our relationship seems to be a lot of work on my part. We've talked about how I need some time to myself every now and then, but she tries to make me feel guilty when I hang out with my friends (even when she has plans with her own friends). Also, she's even gone as far as accusing me of cheating on her, when I've done absolutely nothing to put that in her mind. It just kind of makes me wonder how much of this I'll have to put up with in the future. I plan on talking to her about all this, but I just wanted to see what kind of input others had.

talaniman · Mar 4, 2012, 09:23 AM

I have to admit that being bluntly honest about my feelings when I think things are unfair has gotten me dumped, more than once.

JD594 · Mar 4, 2012, 11:50 AM

Very true, talaniman. I'm worried if we stay together, that I might be settling and have to put up with a lot from my girlfriend. But if we break things off, it may be just be a big mistake.

talaniman · Mar 4, 2012, 03:27 PM

I have been married more than 35 years, and trust me, there will ALWAYS be something about our partners that pisses us off from time to time. That you have those feelings is not the point, how you handle, or manage those feelings is the point.

You have fears of what if. That fear is what cast doubts on any thoughts, actions, and decisions you make. So I suggest you examine your fear, find out where it comes from, and find ways to manage it, so that you can make your decisions based on facts, and not just feelings, especially not on your fear.

That my friend, I believe, will take some brutal honesty about YOURSELF, so you will have no fear of being honest with others.

LOL, we all have fear, its managing it that counts. Fear is a useful tool in self protection, and self awareness. It only takes the reading of many posts on this forum to see the role that fears play in our thinking, and how it affects our actions. And our own pursuit of happiness.

I find it interesting that she MAKES you feel guilty when you want to do for yourself. Of course this can be frustrating when you feel its unfair, so may I respectfully submit you not only tell her that in a calm way, but also act in your own behalf when its perfectly acceptable.

It boils down to making the necessary adjustments as effectively as possible so you won't be held hostage by her emotions, nor be unfair in your dealings with her communications to you. For sure she has her OWN fears to deal with no matter where they come from.

Ever watch a control freak, or a bully operate? Its is a deep seated fear, and its cousin anger that makes them do what they do, and an example of fear that is uncontrolled and undisciplined. I say that to illustrate the way to deal with the fear of others is to make your own stand, and have your own plan. You are fearful, so is she, deal with yours stand to hers, and for sure you will be able to see the facts of if you both are willing to work together, despite that fear, and make the adjustments necessary, no matter what they are, to build a life together.

So start with the honesty, and see what facts can be learned so you will have the confidence to make a good decision for yourself. That's what it usually comes down to, the willingness to work together. Being honest will reveal that to you, along with a dose of patience for the facts to become apparent. No hurry, it WILL happen.

So no need to be afraid of what ifs. Or your own good judgment, or common sense.

JD594 · Mar 6, 2012, 07:49 AM

Thanks Talaniman, I really appreciate your insightful answers.

JD594 · Mar 8, 2012, 05:10 PM

UPDATE:
So... me and my girlfriend have been talking... A LOT. And it's basically come down to us feeling the same way: that we're not sure if we're right for each other or if we should be together. We haven't broken up yet. It's really tough to tell someone that you've been with for 3 years that you want to break up.

But we feel mutual about this. We were both each other's first real relationship, but we realized that we're just too different for each other. There was nothing bad about our relationship, it was just that there wasn't anything great. I feel like we were together because we just wanted to be with someone, and we were used to being with each other.

I know it'll be tough to get over her, but I truly believe this is the right thing to do. But more importantly, WE believe this is right for both of us.

mmresd · Mar 8, 2012, 05:59 PM

Whenever you are unhappy with the current situation is time to call it quits.

dudechillin45 · Jan 23, 2013, 09:48 AM

"Whenever you are unhappy with the current situation is time to call it quits." -- That's America for you! You are never going to find happiness with a mentality like this. This is why the divorce "irreconcilable differences" rate is at a high.

"She doesn't have many close friends in town and I feel like I'm her only support system. I feel like she's too clingy and she gets her feelings hurt if she doesn't get invited to every single thing I'm doing." --- Disrespectful on your part! Too be expected from a 24 year old. Treat her like a women! Quit adding to the feminist fuel! I'm almost 100% sure you didn't let her out ever when you too had a so called "fire" now you want out and want to throw her away!

My opinion: Suck it up! I'm tired of all this bull crap in the news about people breaking up over little selfish things! You put 3 years into something now your not feeling it you want to just throw it away. Then you expect your girlfriend not to accuse you of stuff! Hello you went freaking 3 years without talking to her about what you want, now you just want to throw it away. She has invested time "how ever little effort" into the relationship as well. You need to learn how to communicate!

Don't go three years without communicating what you want then expect things to be like they were when you first met. What you need to do is work on this relationship with this women. Stop thinking your settling or your not compatible.

Its either work on it or end it! Just realize this is not Hollywood - you make your bed you sleep in it. You reap what you sow. Don't expect good things relationship wise when your not willing to gain "understanding/knowledge" or "wisdom" through patience and love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

New International Version (NIV)

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

FightingBlues · Jan 23, 2013, 01:33 PM

This is a very tough decision for anyone to make. I can speak from personal experience because I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years. I thought of the good times as well as the bad and evaluated what I liked about him and what I didn't like. I really had to step outside myself to decide if this is what I really wanted and what impact this decision would have on my future. If the good outweighs the bad, then you have to be a big enough person to stick it out and work on the relationship with the other person. If the bad outweighs the good, then you know you are lacking the solid foundation required for a long and happy future together. My best advice to pass on to you is stay true to who you are and no matter what, you will attract the life you were destined to live (whether that means staying or leaving this current relationship). In the grand scheme of things, 3 years is nothing to a lifetime of misery. True happiness is the most beautiful gift you can give yourself if you're willing to bravely move forward.