[worried1012]

I'm 33 years old father of 3 (2 little boys & older girl). I have been with the most wonderful girl for 7 years but I have also been struggling with depression. I have sought help and am currently seeing a shrink about my problems. The problem is that I have shut this girl who is also the mother of our children out of my feelings which drove her to be with someone else. So we split and it was not a good split. In fact it was really bad. Some time has gone by and we are talking and not without some "bumps" and it is stressful. I really love her and I am more committed than ever to her. We have expressed our feelings and she says she wants to give it another chance. I told her my feelings about the other guy and she tells me she she will break it off with him. The 5th was her birthday (and ironically his too) and she went to have dinner with him to break it off. This bothered the hell out of me but I had to respect her on it.

I kind of probed for details and got 0% on that but she says she did it. The next day I was told to go back to my place alone to give her some time for a couple of days. I'm so confused on why if she wants me back and to move back in on why I have to go back to my place and give her space for a few days. I don't want to upset her but I feel like I'm being played. I don't know how to feel because my thoughts are all over the place right now. I want her. I want the family back together. I want us to be happy.

Help.

[redhed35]

If you trust her and believe what she says give her the head space she needs,what's a few more days?

Have you both discussed the terms and conditions of getting back together? Example couples counselling, you continuing to get support, how you both have to learn how to be together again after a stressful period, perhaps this is why she needs some space, to think about these issues and how she's going to proceed, you don't say if you have thought about it.
Instead of jumping back into the relationship taking the time now to fix the cracked foundations may pay off in the future.

The relationship she broke off may have been a proxy support system for her so she's going to need to replace that, perhaps counselling for her, family support, close friends.

Taking care of your own mental health is so important, baby steps are needed now.

[worried1012]

Thanks for your answer redhead35. I will do that. I wanted to ask if a simple date night would wbe asking her too much. Like a movie for an hour then I go back to my place. I did already ask but she says we will see. Am I being too pushy as well?

[mmresd]

Don't say anything to her, she has asked you for space. Give it to her to sort out her mind, ANYTHING you say will only pressure her, you don't want to pressure her into doing something she doesn't really want to do, it will only come back to hurt you.

[talaniman]

In a few days you will have your life back so be patient and do as she has said she wanted, so yes you are being pushy at this point.

[Jake2008]

I'm not impressed with her. Why would your clinical depression cause her to find another man? If you were in a wheelchair after a bad car accident, or if you developed some serious illness, would those situations justified her cheating?

You blaming yourself for shutting her out with your feelings, is like saying you chose not to walk on two broken legs. It is part of the condition, and goes with the territory.

You did not cause her to cheat. You did not cause her to break up the family, and take your three children, and create a new family with another man. There is a good chunk of any population that, at some time in their lives, are clinically depressed.

She abandoned you, probably when you needed her the most. And took your children too.

Then she decides that you might deserve a second chance. And now it sounds as though she is playing you and her boyfriend off each other, and is having a hard time deciding who she wants.

I would advise you to take a few steps back, and really think about what your relationship was, what it is now, and what it will be in the future, should you allow her back into your life. At the very least, try to be strong enough not to be a victim of your illness. Or to use your illness to justify her behaviour.

Why not suggest couples counselling with her, and see if some common ground might be discovered/negotiated here. Even if for the sake of the three children.

You are no more to blame for her abandoning you, than you are to blame for having a mental illness.