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Hoyte · Feb 16, 2012, 11:35 AM

Threads merged

Hi, can anyone help.
I've been dating a women my age, but after a month, she turns around and saids I'm acting in manipulative nature.

I don't feel that I have, just confused now. Here what she texted me.

I'm not going to lie to you as I'm not ok. I feel you are pushing me and that the things you have said are of a manipulative nature. I have enough stress without any more from you and still think cooling things is a good idea. If you don't want to stay friends then that's your choice, however at the moment that is all I can offer x

Silver Lining · Feb 17, 2012, 03:35 AM

Did u, by any chance say anything to her about her friends, family etc? Did you guys ever have a fight on either of your ex? Did you ask her to do some sexual favors? Did you ever talk to her emotionally?

Hoyte · Feb 17, 2012, 04:38 AM

Hi silver lining, thanks for your reply.

Well at first she made it clear that she wasn't looking for a relationship,but because I am really fond of her I didn't listen, well 50/50 when she said let take it slow. She said I don't have to keep calling her every day but me and my foolish self thought it was good to keep in contact. I sent her texts some text she replied and other she didn't. So when she said I don't have to be in contact all the time, I said about the text what didn't reply to. She just went off on one. Seeing thing in my question. I felt ill of what she said how I pushed her in my words. I didn't realize I was like that. But it hit home, so I sent her a text saying I do what she asking i.e we will talk in a couple of days to see what I want to do. I got a text back saying thank u.

And I left it as that. Can you help please

But I'm confused.

P.S. I did say stuff emotionally did not say things about her family or ask 4 sexual favors.

The problem is I feel and she told me, she is stressed out about losing her job/ being evicted plus her dads very ill.
And with me being a fool has blown it being pushy.

Silver Lining · Feb 17, 2012, 05:23 AM

Well, she was clear that she didn't wan any serious relationship,, keeping in touch is good, but constantly texting is kind of pushy,, give her some space,, u said she is worried about her job and her father,, give her time to relax,, send one last text saying your giving her some time/space and she can get back to you if she needs u. until then, u WILL NOT text her. Wait for her text.

Hoyte · Feb 17, 2012, 05:51 AM

Thank you silver lining you have helped me a lot in my thinking. I sent her a tex yesterday saying I stand by what's she asking from me. And left it as that. Thanks again silver linning !

talaniman · Feb 17, 2012, 11:12 PM

Originally Posted by Silver Lining

well, she was clear that she didn wan any serious relationship,,, keeping in touch is good, but constantly texting is kinda pushy,,, give her some space,,, u said she is worried about her job and her father,,, give her time to relax,,, send one last text saying ur giving her some time/space and she can get back to u if she needs u. until then, u WILL NOT text her. wait for her text.

That's the advice I would give, just leave her alone for a while to get her act together. Romance and dating are not on her agenda right now. I doubt you could be a good friend, the kind she needs. But for sure date others, do your own thing, and explore other options for fun and dates.

Something tells me it will be quite a while before she is open to your friendship.

Hoyte · Feb 19, 2012, 03:02 PM

Threads merged

We met today and had a chat, it went well, I said I'm sorry smothering her. She text me this after a couple of hours later... She said thanks for chat today and understanding my
Current situation. Was it right for me to say your welcome & I'm here for u

kalaka · Feb 19, 2012, 03:05 PM

Is she your EX? You did not indicate that. If yes all I can say is you did right as long as you love her and wants her back.

Alty · Feb 19, 2012, 03:08 PM

Hoyte, I've asked the mods to merge this thread with your other one, as it will be more clear what you're asking with all the information you provided on your other thread.

Please, keep all updates related to the same issue on one thread, it just makes it easier for anyone else coming along to answer your question.

Thank you.

Hoyte · Feb 19, 2012, 03:25 PM

Thank u

Hoyte · Feb 19, 2012, 10:16 PM

No not ex, a women who have been dating, but I come across pushy, and she's going though tuff times, and with me on board and pushy, asked to cooling things.she wasn't ready for a relationship, but friendship for now. The question I would like to know is shall I let her do the first move instead of asking her to call or tex?
Thank you if u can help my thinking!!

Alty · Feb 19, 2012, 10:18 PM

Let her come to you.

It's not wrong that you told her you'd be there for her, but having said that, let her come to you if she wants you to be there for her.

Since she's made it clear that she doesn't want to date, just wants a friend, then be that. Be a friend.

Hoyte · Feb 20, 2012, 02:29 AM

Hey thanks alty. Just need to think about trying to keep the talk to being friends and not talk about how much I'm fond of her.

talaniman · Feb 20, 2012, 07:49 AM

First get it in your mind there will be no romance just friendship. That's the only way you can avoid the trap of high hopes for more than friendship later. Matter of fact staying friends with someone will keep you seeing hope in every FRIENDLY gesture of friendship, and confuse the heck out of you.

Chances are while in the friends zone you will be so stuck on her that her dating or future romantic life will hurt like hell. Not only jealousy, but she will be to busy to have time for a friendship the way you want it, and its possible you are thinking staying in her life as a close friend will get you romance in the end.

It seldom works that way and as long as you are so focused on being her friend, and staying in her life hoping she changes her mind and sees you for love, you will never be happy with the life you need to build without her, and your thoughts will be consumed by her.

Not a healthy way to live hoping some one will give you what you want, when they just don't want to.

You just don't wrap your life around her being a friend, guy. Especially since you know as fact she is not as into you, as you are her.

Hoyte · Feb 21, 2012, 02:26 AM

Thanks talaniman.
That had helped knowing it will go that way. The problem I can't get is, she does fancy/ like me, she has told me that. Its just the wrong timing to get involved as she's want to get her life back on track from the hard times she going though, is it wrong for me to think with me in her life would ease her way of thinking about feeling low.
Anyway she tex me yesterday asking how I am have a great day and all that. Then on the end of the tex, said she feels a little more positive & thank you for being there for me.. It mean a lot.
But what does it mean. Her life / me and her or just friendship talk. Confuss . Com here!!

Another question, is it better to text back straight away or wait like she does to show her I can slow down for us to happen again?
I sent a tex back hours after she tex me but when I tex her she takes a day. Is this my sign?
Thanks if you can help

talaniman · Feb 21, 2012, 01:28 PM

If you cannot text and go about your business, then don't text, or return her texts. NO CONTACT is what you need because your feelings for her are in the way of being a good friend, and you have a false interpretation of her words, and ignore her actions.

You cannot see her as just a text BUDDY can YOU? That's why you need a healthy dose of NC!! A year should do it.

Alty · Feb 21, 2012, 05:06 PM

I agree with Tal.

It seems that you want to be friends with her in hopes that she'll see you as more than a friend.

If you can't accept that friendship is all she has to offer you, then it's best that you cut her out of your life, for her sake and yours.

Hoyte · Feb 21, 2012, 06:01 PM

Threads merged

She not looking for a serious relationship yet. And asked for cooling thing because, its going to fast.
My question to that is. What's the best way to talk to her, as a friend leaving out what's my heart is asking.so we take it slow.
Please help thanks all.

Hoyte · Feb 21, 2012, 06:24 PM

Ps to the above, should I call her to mention I understand her Current situation and I would like to take it slow.

Hoyte · Feb 21, 2012, 06:41 PM

Thanks talaniman and alty.
Ok, this is where it get complicated,I'm involed in a team, where I'm a partner from building it up. Her son drives for us and she comes along to give him support. So we are all talking So letting her go from my heart and be friends feels it will work between us. Do u think this will work ?