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sydneywagga1 · Feb 27, 2007, 04:33 PM

My boyfriend, of 4 years, who loves me, spends all day in the basement (where he works) looking at porn all day. He requires an "initiator" for sex, and I didn't know that. So we reached sort of an awkward stage where I thought he just wasn't interested and our sex life dwindled. We're both very young-looking, attractive people in our 50's.

Now he has an ex-girlfriend emailing him, stimulating him sexually and he wants to go straight to moving her in so she can enhance the sexual energy and cook and clean! No in-between compromises. She's "not very smart, but she's so nice."

I met him after she broke up with him the 2nd time, and now she's back. I suspect she ran away because he told her she wasn't very smart. She "has always dreamed of having sex with another woman," and is now supposedly fixated on me. He wants us to have sex while he watches.

Is there anything anybody can think of, like wash his brain out with soap?

shygrneyzs · Feb 27, 2007, 05:24 PM

Try some lye soap. That will either kill or cure him. Lol

Seriously, if you do not want the threesome, say so now or forever hold your peace. The time to object is before she moves in and takes over. Why is she so fixated on you? Because she thinks you are available or because you are with her former boyfriend, that you are an object of her fantasy? What has your boyfriend told her about you? What has he filled her head with?

If you do not want this, tell him loud and clear with no fill in the blanks, so he cannot misinterpret in any way. If he still persists in this plan, you need to decide just how much you love this guy and are willing to experiment.

IF you say, okay, let's do this and TRY the arrangement, please make sure you have an exit, in case this does not work out. Common problems in a threesome are jealousy, control, low self image (comparing to other woman), and decline in self respect.

You can only protect yourself here. Is he going to be wearing condoms? Who knows her past sexual history and health?

Some people get along very well in poly relationships. I would not be one.

Find out as much information as you can and plan for the emergency exit, if need be. Don't let yourself be run over by either one of them - your boyfriend and/or his ex girlfriend. Good luck.

ordinaryguy · Feb 27, 2007, 06:19 PM

Sounds like a very bad scene in the making to me. You don't sound very enthusiastic about it either. If that's so, tell him in no uncertain terms that if he goes forward with this plan you're out the door before she comes in.

sydneywagga1 · Feb 27, 2007, 07:29 PM

I was out the door the minute he suggested it. Negotiating ever since.

I'd say it appeared as a bomb out of nowhere, except he suggested the threesome with the same person when we first started dating. I thought I convinced him that she was just after him - since then I learned that she broke up with HIM. Now she's back 3-4 years later.

I'm so confused

Skell · Feb 27, 2007, 07:32 PM

It doesn't sound like the healthiest of relationships after hearing a lot of what you said but I'm not here to judge.

I will only say that if you aren't comfortable with something then you tell him so. And if he can't respect your wishes and feelings then you would be obliged to leave him and find someone who does.

Can I ask if you have a problem with him wanting to move this girl in with you? Do you have a problem with him looking at porn all day? Do you have any other problems with him regarding him and his ex? Or is the only problem you have with him wanting you to have sex with his ex girlfriend?

sydneywagga1 · Feb 27, 2007, 07:59 PM

At first, I thought he just wanted her over for a threesome to prove to himself that I'm more sexual (too bad I thought it was HIM) - I would have been glad to if it was that important in the scheme of things - and do it well. But he has a "thing" for her as well as me. So it's not just sex involved. He wants to include her in OUR life.

I can't do it. I'm not poly. I'd be jealous as hell.

I have no problem with the porn except that he left me out! I think he's just been waiting for Sandi to come back and for some reason I'm the bait with this threesome. He says no, but why believe him now?

The fact remains that she's a part of his life too and has been for some time. That just kills me and I have to re-examine what I'm attached to, because I've been living a lie.

tinsign · Feb 27, 2007, 08:11 PM

I would never allow a threesome, I am in my early 50's and maybe a wee bit old-fashion but never do something you don't feel right about.

ordinaryguy · Feb 28, 2007, 05:29 AM

Originally Posted by sydneywagga1

The fact remains that she's a part of his life too and has been for some time. That just kills me and I have to re-examine what I'm attached to, because I've been living a lie.

You've come a long way, baby! Now you're getting to the good part--self-examination, assimilation, learning, becoming who YOU really are. It'll be such a relief and a welcome rush after all that trying to stuff yourself into somebody else's mold.

It probably does involve giving up your previous idea of who your boyfriend is, though.

talaniman · Feb 28, 2007, 07:51 AM

Reevaluating your relationship is an absolute must. Ain't that much love in the world, that can have you tolerating disrespect, manipulation, and being ignored.