[kaitou]

I've been thinking that dumpers move on easier than dumpee, because it was the dumper's decision to end the relationship. They have thought through it for an unknown period. So they move on easier not because they are heartless or they don't remember how awesome the good times were, but rather they focus on both the good and bad times. And look for reason to justify their reason to break up with the dumpee. So I guess that's why once you break up, the dumper usually don't come back, because they try hard not to regret their decision, and they would look for more reason to justify it.

Dumpee on the other hands, they over analyze everything, and would look for reasons that the relationship can still work. Dumpee would over analyze what the dumper is doing, and wonder if the dumper still misses the dumpee. Dumpee would only remember the good times, and wonder if the dumper remembers too? (the dumper probably remembers, but wouldn't think about it. They would instead think about why/ the reason they broke up with the dumpee) So the dumpee has a harder time to move on.

So while the dumper has made up their mind, the dumpee wasn't prepare for it, so dumpee can't accept it yet. So I guess dumpee can't move on, until they realize what went wrong with the relationship, and accept the break up too?

I don't know.. I guess I'm just saying that dumpers could potentially over justify their reason for breaking up, while dumpee over analyze everything. So no matter what the dumpee do, they most probably can't get the dumper back. Because they are thinking at opposite ends of each other. Dumper is moving on, dumpee is just hanging onto something that's not really there?

So I guess the break up is not really over for the dumpee, until he/she accepts it... and think at the same end as the dumper?

Does this make any sense :confused:

[SapphireChild]

Sometimes it's hard always being the one to break up with someone, but I do understand where you're coming from. Every time I've broken up with someone, however, I always try to give them some kind of a warning that it might happen soon.

[onlineguy]

Spot on.

The dumper once they have made the decision to end the relaionship, look for ways to renforce the decision.

The dumpee looks for ways to save this.

If still at speaking stage whilst the dumpee tries to get the relationship back, the dumper will look at things said and comments made in a negative way, i.e. find fault with the things the dumpee has said and use these things as reasons to reinforce the decision. The Dumpee will use things said in a way to reinforce the reasons to remain together. Hence the frustrations at the end of a relationship which results in argument !

This is confirmation to the dumper that the decision was right. And to the dumpee resentment because the dumper gave up !

I know believe the only true course of action, is at the point that the dumper ends the relationship. The dumpee ask for the reason for their decision and the cause of this. The dumper at that time still has feeling for the dumpee and will more than likely give an honest answer. Once the dumpee has this he should advise the dumper that this is not what he /she wants and that they want to reconsile. Then go 100% no contact to heal themselves.

If this is done by letter then it is easier on both parties as the mind will play tricks and second guessing will take place.

By doing it this way, both parties face the end without one using the interest of the other as an emotional crutch at the expence of the other.

(wish I knew this sooner Doh! ).

[LBP]

I agree... In fact, it mirrors my experience perfectly...

I remember at the end of my relationship it felt like my ex was literally latching onto anything she could think of in order to make what she was doing the best course of action. It didn't matter what I said or, at least it seemed to me, how little sense she was actually making. She'd go on about how we weren't right for each other because we didn't mesh (despite me being her only friend and us staying together constantly without arguments) or that I didn't ever come up with activities (despite living in Riverside CA where there is literally nothing to do AND having met each other at a party I threw) or how I didn't have any ambition for myself (despite a huge amount of evidence to the contrary) and even going so far as to use my sweet nothings against me (citing saying 'I can't imagine being with another girl' as evidence of problems - did she really want me imagining other women? ) and it all got so frustrating more than anything because I felt like I was being accused of being someone who I wasn't.

So, I try to argue and end up without anything, not even my friend. If I'd known then what I know now I would have simply accepted facts for facts and moved on, maybe saved what little I could. That's the key - that it doesn't matter how you disagree or if you find their reasoning flawed. Arguing will get you no where because there's no where to get - it's all ready over. The important thing, if you really love them, is to respect their decision for what it is... A decision.

I just wish I could have known that and respected that back when it could have made a difference. Good post!

[mckenzie134]

Spot on most dumpers have made there decision well before they tell you or at least they have thought about it for a while. They may be unsure and that is the reason they hang onto you. My ex came up with all the lines.

Here we go

1. Your parents are divorce!
2. Where just at different stages in our lives
3. Im not emotionally in love with you
4. You're the best boyfriend but I'm just not ready (after 3 1/2 years wow!! )
5. Any girl would be so lucky to have you
6.Your so hot
7. Maybe I'm making a mistake.
8. Im confused. (If she's confused she wouldn't be breaking up she knows what she wants)
9. Im sure you'll find someone else.
10. I just don't want to be in a relationship that is so serious at the moment.
11. I want to get to know myself
12. The break might make us stronger.
13. You don't believe in god!! (Now come on just cause she went to church)

And after all this we were back together in two weeks then apart again now.