[ninoo]

Hi,
I'm 14 years old and my parents are divorced I have a elder brother who is 16 years old. I live with my mom. My dad has anger management issues but he does not agree. My father drops me in the morning to school and my mom picks me. This morning 31 Jan. 2012, I was going to school in the morning with my dad and he was perfectly fine till his worker called from the farm and there was a problem at the farm. And he started screaming and shouting on top of his lungs and abusing the guy who called. After he had finished,he started yelling at me that if I had not called him to pick me up he would be at the farm and nothing would have gone wrong. I said dad please don't scream at me. This has happened to me a couple of times. He got angry and braked the car so hard and then started driving again, but he was abusing me that I don't call him (which I do when I get time I have been having tests in school and my grandma is not well), when I would even try opening my mouth he would say I am being rude and he started abusing me saying ***** off and all. And also abused my mom. Which I totally don't like. By the way my mom divorced my dad because of these reasons.

Please help me out and tell me how to deal with this. Whether to call him or not and what to do because last time I ignored it and I was being all normal and he did it again and again and I can't take this anymore he has already broken my home and now he is giving me more pain. Thank you. Please help me.

[talaniman]

Does your mom know of this? What does she say?

[ninoo]

Yes my mom knows and she says ignore me and never see his face again but I don't think that is the best way to go about this.

[talaniman]

As hard as it is to go through this, you must realise your dad will not change as long as he gets away with his behavior. He needs help, but hasn't tried to get it yet. That's why your mom divorced him because she was tired of going through what you are going through now. So realise she had to make a very hard decision to divorce him, and now you may have to do the same thing, because if you don't, for sure he won't change because you still allow him to treat you that way.

It may hurt in the short term, but staying out of his way, and away from him because of his verbal abuse when he loses it, may be the best way to go, and I feel you have to tell him so, by phone, letter, or in person, maybe all three, that you no longer will be tolerate his abuse. Sure he may be even madder, for a while, but losing your connection, and love may be all he pays attention to to get help, or change on his own.

Yes its hard at a young age to see things in the longer term, and go through the very hard process of putting him out of your life, as I know you love your dad, but he needs that kind of tough love right now, or it will always be anger, and a growing resentment if you do keep trying your best, and he continues to frustrate you with his verbal abuse, and temper tantrums. Over time, that destroys love.

Another avenue to explore is getting an adult or older sibling to speak to your dad for you, but for now, I think it best if he hears it from you, and you take the action yourself of staying away from his abuse, by staying away from him. Obviously he has been told these things before by others, and it didn't seem to help, which is why he is divorced from your mom, so its your choice now to tolerate this, or not. I hope you choose not to.

Curious as to how your older sibling deals with your dad.

[berta146]

I have been threw the same when I was around your age I had a father who used to hit me but I put up with it because I felt it was my fault that I was not good but as I got older I realised it was him my parents had split for this reason too I stood up to my dad in the end and told him I wanted nothing to do with him because of this and if he didn't get his act together he would never see me again I remember feeling so angry I'm now 27 and I might not see my dad much but I do have a relationship with him I will call him sometimes and vice versa and its normal after I stood up to him he never done it again I think you should text your dad telling him how you feel and until he sorts out his anger then not to contact you give him a fright as for your mum she will be having a hard time try making her some lunch or dinner something simple do a little housework and talk about how you feel over dinner give her a hug and tell her you love her hopefully this will help sounds like they are both taking things out on you the stress of divorce and work until you find a way to communicate with them I can't see it getting any easier your dads anger is the reason for the divorce so I can't see that being easy other than tough love hopefully he will see where your comi ng from as did mine the thought of losing me helped him realise I was a young adult and I wouldn't satnd for it if things get worse and there is no break threw talk to a teacher they are there to help

[ninoo]

Thank you very mucch