[which_way]

I have a grown son U.S Army NOW.. divorced his bio father and remarried. We made sure contact with bio side of fam. Stays in tack,and the cause of many problems but bio lives with parents and wanted grandparents to remain in his life. Bioloical fathers parents enable him also to be a non-responsibile and alcoholic absentee parent.Given a good life in the burbs. 4th grade he starts acting out lying manipulateing claiming to be a gangbanger. All of 4th and 5th grad we worked w/school and counslers to understanding about rebellious due to divorce etc. Enter private school better structure. Failed 6th didn't want to do the work 7th-8th calls every morning from school endless P&T conf. He didn't grand. On stage they preferred him expelled, got him through it, was mailed a diploma. Summer caught stealing from neighbors house shund by his friends. More counsling. High School- physically knocked out by a cousin of his girlfriend in shool due to trying to influence her to do heroin. In house rehab - found out later he lied, claimed his mother started him on the drug to gain sympthy and manipulate. Rehab completed moved him in with fam. To avoid temptation. Was arrested for stealing from houses makes neighbor paper went to jail. Does some time is out on work release returns at night.
He's accused by his peers of giving a OD shot to a friend that dies and is hunted down by his kindergaten friend to stab him lost the remainder of friends. Was put back into jail for dropping dirty. Gets out says temptaion is to great wants to join the service and does. Gets engaged. We throw engament party, rehearsal dinner etc. Etc. We believed this was a turning point. On leave we found evidence that he is still doing heroin without his fiancŽ knowledge when we confront him, denial. He re-enlists, I suggest he moves oversea miles away we pray this will be the move he needs with his wife to get a fresh start. He comes home once more before he moves away give him furnite etc. And find eveidence he is still doing heroin after he leaves. Shortly after this he starts to be distance and we start to get negative vibes from not only him but his in-laws and contact is less and less. Two years of minimal contact rare holiday calls. They become pregnant w/our first grandchild and now he's full of hatred toward his mother,blaming her for his parents divorce and the pursuit of child support even though he is in his mid 20's now and the 20.00 a week is still in arrearage. He blames the lack of relitive contact on his mother. Not remembering that he's on the streets doing durgs and stealing as our relitive became sick and died. We have spent his entire life working through his issues untangleing his webs using every resource we have and lots of tough love. He owes money to his mother father younger sister and friend of the Family who gave him his wife's christmas present with special work done it, he chose to have done, (wht gold over yellow) his wife found out and he blamed his mother claiming she ripped them off, all on credit and never paid. He has his family convinced of child abuse and there wild unture stories. When she reaches out he rarely responds until recently when she reached outto his mother-in-law he texts his mother with the most vile hurtful name calling twisted truths of reality and circumstance of events imaginable. We don't like him much at the moment but will always love him, we want to be involed in our grandchilds life but are uncertain as to how to address this now. HELP

[JudyKayTee]

Sorry but this is too long and complicated to digest. Much of what you've posted is interesting but doesn't help me with what you expect to accomplish.

What is the basic problem? How to address his behavior? How to stay in touch with the grandchild?

A lot of what you have posted seems to be out of your control - he owes money to various people. How does that affect your relationship with him?

I don't know where you want the relationship with him to go from here - is that what you are asking?

[which_way]

Yes address his behavior and try to leave a window to our grandchild

[which_way]

How do I address his verbal behavior and lies first

[JudyKayTee]

I think you only address what affects you - not his relationship with his siblings, other family members. Maybe his whole life is a problem... but that is not necessarily YOUR problem.

Deal only with what you have to deal with. You can love the person and hate the behavior.