[collegeguy123]

Hi, I'll give you the story:

I've been dating this girl for 6 months. We are just graduating high school and she is going to college 11 hours away from me. She is rather wealthy and will be spending most of the summer abroad on shopping trips, so we won't see each other much this summer.

I've been her first boyfriend, her first love, her first of many other things.

We had discussed being together in college, and she had always said yes, at least until it didn't work. Until the other night. We started talking about it again and she said that she had stayed awake worrying about how to tell me for three months, that she wanted to break up with me for college. She said that she wants to feel "free and loose" in college, and meet new people and not feel guilty for partying or making male friends, etc.

I was at a loss... I don't care if she makes male friends, I don't care if she has fun partying. She also said that she wants to "live in the moment" and that includes, if she is drunk, kissing some random guy she thinks is hot. That I am wondering about. To me, that seems pretty slutty. I know for one that I would have the self control to not randomly make out with a girl who was coming on to me, I know, it has happened before.

She called me after this little discussion. She left a message so full of her weeping that I couldn't even understand what she was saying. She sent a text that said, "I still love you. With all of my heart." She still wants to see me and date me and be physical this summer.

I love this girl to death. But I have several issues: I really want to know the real reason. Why is she breaking up with me like this when she says that I'm her heart and soul? Why is she not even willing to TRY to have a relationship in college beyond that of best friends?

Another problem: I'm the kind of guy that enjoys intimacy. So when she says that she still wants to be intimate, but not attached, I'm happy on one hand, but honestly, on the other, it makes me feel like a cheap whore. As much as I like sex, I like to know that the other person actually cares.

How do I figure out what I did wrong? I want to take some knowledge away from this other than the fact that people can rip my heart out and then say, "but we can still do each other, and I still want you to make me feel special and loved for the summer."

Whenever I ask her a direct question or say that I feel like I'm being treated unfairly, she blows up. She is very argumentative, and people have pointed out to me that she is naïve and spoiled. The problem is, I don't care. I like having someone to lean on me, and I love being, or I loved being, her prince, as she so frequently called me.

[JBeaucaire]

You're making a very basic mistake, actually. You are trying to equate what SHE is saying to YOUR feelings. They have nothing to do with each other. Every time you put the two together you experience "confusion"... and that's because you don't mix math and grammar. They're separate issues.

So, she tells you that for months she's been trying to figure out how to break up with you officially so she can experience college with no strings attached. You DO know why she was taking 3 months to figure out how to tell you? She did that because she was pretty sure you would react very badly.

Guess what! You DID! And still are. She was right to think you'd react this way.

Every one of your questions is answered simply. What she says NOW is what she means NOW. What she used to say, she meant THEN. She cares about you, but cares about her coming future and herself more. And there's nothing wrong with that.

You don't get to keep her against her will. So, the break up is happening whether you're mature about this or not. But does the breakup HAVE to be messy and overly destructive? No, it doesn't, but the world is FULL of people that can only break up with guns blazing. IS that what you require, too?

You can actually let her go, wish her well, and remember your time together fondly as you each make your way to your next thing. You can actually do that. Have you even considered the fact that since you can't stop the breakup, hating her over it doesn't have to be included?

You did nothing wrong. You don't have to be her sex buddy, you can move on to another real relationship while she pursues the "loose" college life she has SO clearly described to you as her goal. She's been the good girl with you, and now she's ready to sow her oats. You don't get a vote on that, anymore than SHE would get a vote if you were breaking it off with her so you could "swing" in college.

Respect her decision, man up and stop presssuring her make it easy on you with your continual questions. She hears them as attacks, regardless of how you mean them. Give it up. Wish her well.

You WERE everything to each other, and now that is no longer true. It just IS what it IS.

[talaniman]

Your in shock over the break up, and she has made a decision for herself that you don't like. Leave her alone and give yourself some time to get over the shock, and give her good memories, by not acting like a wounded lovesick puppy, and begging and crying and looking for answers to questions that are already answered.
Keep some dignity and self respect, by giving her what she wants. Her freedom. Sorry for your loss.

Click on the links in my signature, and get some insights and suggestion on how to handle a break up, MATURELY!

[jrsg]

JB and talaniman said it perfectly...
And don't say, "I love her to death." I admit it, I've said stuff like this before, but its not true.

What happens now is you still love her. You feel that she is the greatest, smartest, most beautiful, perfect person in the world. She is the ONLY one who can make you happy, right?

Wrong.

Just give it time, you'll get over her. You will meet a nice girl in college, and you will have an even better relationship with her than you would with your high school sweetheart.

I know its hard to see now, but you will get over it.

What you need to do now, is listen to JB, and respect her decision.

You probably came here looking for support, and "Sorry for your loss" kind of thing (I know I did), but you won't get that . These guys are going to give it to you stragiht, and honest. Listen to what they say, its all amazingly accurate and true.

[collegeguy123]

Wow... that's pretty harsh. I didn't ask her those questions, I was asking you guys if there was an answer.

And she is STILL saying all that stuff about love.

She called up crying again saying that she couldn't live without me.

I'm just confused about what I'm supposed to do, I don't know if she wants to break up or not. I'm perfectly fine with her decision, whatever it is.

And I really am not behaving like a lovesick puppy towards her. We had one discussion about this, the night she brought it up, then I've been (silently) wondering these questions, and she keeps calling me and saying she loves me.

P.S.- the night she broke up with me I told her everything was fine, and I completely respect her choice. I'm not hating her for anything, I just wanted to ask a neutral third party about what the hell happened.

[JBeaucaire]

Don't worry about us being harsh. It's our way of not wasting time. We trust you're mature enough to understand the points we make even though we do it with brevity.

She broke up with you. That puts her in a position of power over you unless you do something to stop it. She can call you, get back together with you, demand you not hold the breakup against her, say anything she wants, break up again, anything at all... and you just take it. Right?

It will stay this way until YOU decide that you're not a yo-yo. I know you are saying that SHE is the one yo-yoing, but when she does it she's pulling YOUR strings to make it a reality.

This is very typical.
"I want to break up because of ______, but I still love you."
"I know we're broken up but I wanted to call and let you know I still love you."
"Boo-hoo, I'm having a hard time tonight, comfort me, even though I broke your heart."

We read this reprehensible stuff almost daily here on the forum.

Look, she will continue to throw emotional hand grenades into you until YOU put a stop to it. Either purposefully or unintentionally, she is making sure you stay open as an "option" to her should she decide she wants you back.

Are you OK with this reality? Is it OK with you being her "option"?

If yes, great, discussion over, enjoy your time with her yoyoing.

If no, take some control and put some walls up. Tell her what you'll put up with and what you won't, then enforce it. If she won't stop the crap, walk away. No one needs a "friend" who keeps stabbing you in the heart.

[jrsg]

Exactly what JB said, us being harsh is just getting to the point.

I came to this site when my girlfriend broke up with me. I was expecting "you'll get her back" and "you two will live happily ever after". Instead, what I got was, "let her go," "she's not worth it." And that kind of thing. I knew, deep down, that was what I had to do, but I didn't want to hear it.
Being honest is the best thing we can do here. Your heart tells you one thing, and your mind tells you another... Listen to your mind.

Again, what everybody here is telling you is right. If you're fine being her back up boyfriend, go ahead. But what you should do is move on, and meet a girl who you are number one to.

[kjinoue]

If she's thought about breaking up with you for three months already, that means it's been three months since your relationship ended. Let me tell you, the responders above are not trying to be harsh, they're giving you the truth--it's painful but it is the truth. If that's what she wants--to experience college and you know that it will make her happy--then respect it and let her go. You do not want to be the person to hold her back now, do you? Regardless of what you may think about her goals in college.

My boyfriend and I are seniors, graduating this year and we will be living three thousand miles away--him in Vancouver and me in New York for college. When we got into talking about our future, obviously college came up and you know what I told him? I said, "I don't want to hold you back from the college experience, I want you to grow and develop and find out who you are there. If you do not want to continue this relationship after graduation, we have to discuss this now." It was the most painful thing I have ever had to say because I really do love him very much but I knew that if I really did love him, I would not be selfish and give him the chance to live his life freely. You know what he said? He replied, "If by college experience you mean drinking lots of booze and hooking up with random chicks, I'm good. I will be able to socialize and grow in college without all those parties. I would rather want an eventful life with you than an eventful life in college."

I had never been so much happier when he told me this but guess what, I WILL be asking him again after graduation so that I know that his mind has not changed. Why? Because if he tells me he wishes to break up before college, I will not hesitate to grant him his wish and let him go.

Do the same. Let HER be happy and do what she wants.
If it's meant to be, it will be. If not, then let this serve as a lesson.