[Pboy87]

My girlfriend is a trained professional salsa dancer and contemporary dancer. But of late she has gotten into the acting stream and doesn't perform dance much. Just dances with friends and other dancers at their parties and all and few performances and choreographing projects here and there. I don't know how to dance and sometimes when we have gone out she has asked me to dance but I kind of turn it down, she knows I can't dance at all, in fact that's how we met. She asked me for a dance and pulled me up on the dance floor, and I was hardly moving I was so scared.

Anyway,the problem was that some weeks back, she went to a friends party. Most people were dancers there. And I recently saw photos of her hugging some guy and slow dancing bachata with him.(which is a very sensual dance). It kind of made me queasy and I don't know how to react. I fought with her over her closeness to other guys. Body almost rubbing onto each other. She claims its just a dance form, and that's how the style is and that how close you need to be during bachata and slow dancing and I totally agree.

But it just makes me feel very weird to know that she had her arms around another guys neck and he was holding her tight close to his body and they were dancing. I don't know what to do about this feeling. I mean, I knew she was a salsa dancer and there is lots of body contact, but finally seeing such images have made me uncomfortable.

We really love each other and I completely trust her to not cheat on me. And I know she may not be thinking anything sexual while dancing with those guys, but it makes me queasy thinking what the guys must have thought while holding her so close and feeling her and all. We have had a huge fight over this topic and she finds it a very minor issue but for me such intimate close body contact is really a big thing.

How do I get over this feeling? Please help.

[talaniman]

Your discomfort starts with you being unable to control your own feelings, I bet your lack of dancing skills, or experience with dancing with others is at the heart of this queasy feelings. As I read your other posts as well its clear your lack of self confidence is what you really lack. So either learn to dance, through practicing with others, or learn to control your own impulse of making this a bigger deal than what it has to be, and leading to a frustrating argument.

Don't let fear ruin a good thing bud, so don't act out of fear. Think before you act or speak, and gain some practical skills on the dance for and you will see the fun of it, and why so many do it, not just professionals either.

Its your lack of being cool, calm, and in control of yourself that makes you seem a jealous, insecure, possessive fool. That queasy feeling is FEAR. Get out there and get some experience and learn to dance you big scaredy cat.

[Jake2008]

Learn how to dance! She is a professional dancer- have you asked her to teach you?

I don't know if you've ever watched Dancing With The Stars, but all those sexy dances that they teach their partners includes an interpretation of the dance, not just the dance itself. It IS sexy, and the appearance of the dance has to include, through expression, the meaning of the dance. If you watch that show, you will see that for each dance there is a very big emotional 'dance' between the couple. To take the passion out of the dance you may as well do a two step in a country bar. (no offense to two steppers!)

For you to see your girlfriend doing these dances- (and doing them well)- without proper knowledge of the interpretation of the dance leaves you seeing only the sexual expression of the dance, which is, part of the dance. Think of a hockey game without players using hockey sticks. The two just go together, to do things right.

If you are determined not to dance, at least do a little research on these dances, and understand that the expression of the moves you see, is simply part of the dance and nothing more.

[Pboy87]

Thanks for replying.

Well I don't think it's fear. Fear of what? I know she won't cheat on me... or anything of that sort. I just don't like other guys feeling up her body. That whole thought makes me feel very uncomfortable. That's why I don't know how to handle it.

Had it been for a stage show or choreographed, it would be different as it is a performance, but here it's just a random party with a random friend feeling her body up sensually, and she has to let him.

She is a hot girl and definitely wanted by many. Dance is one of the basic ways of breaking a girl's barrier of touch. A random guy touches her back on the road and it's molesting, but during dance, a random guy touches her back, her butt, and it's all right. This bit makes me queasy thinking about how the guys must be feeling her up with the mask of dancing close with her.

[talaniman]

I think you are in denial of your fear, that's why you are queasy, or you are anal retentive.

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/anal-retentive

Over possesive is putting it mildly. But you really have to open your mind to the ways of others to understand that being obsessed with the behavior of others may not be healthy.

[Pboy87]

But Fear of what?

I spoke to her and asked her how she would like if I was that close to a girl and dancing with her and feeling her and getting felt by her. And she said she'd be little jealous. But, I just wouldn't want to get that physically close, sensual and intimate to some other girl. So For her, me doing it would cause some jealousy, but for her to do with random dancer friends it is absolutely fine? That too when she and all those guys have been drinking? She wouldn't lose her control and cheat or anything.. but when drunk your hands automatically move places it shouldn't and she starts justifying their actions, that, they were drunk that's why. In this pic, the guys hand wasn't on the shoulder blade where its supposed to be, it was all around her back holding her waist tight and pulling her close to him. So how am I not to have a problem when the dance isn't following the dance movement?
And she is angry with me for asking her this and expects an apology from me. How can I apologize for something that is bothering and hurting me?

[Pboy87]

Hmmmmm.. I just know those guys she danced with.. and she knows well too that they are all players and have used girls as sex objects in the past. And that's why seeing their hands all over my girls back and waist and pulling her closer and closer makes me sick.
I trust her completely, but I don't trust the guys intentions being pure while dancing with her. So indirectly, I don't like her dancing so close as I feel they are feeling her up and have more than just pure dance thoughts.

[talaniman]

So you fear the guys, and there intentions, and FEAR your girl cannot defend herself against them?

Apologize, as there is no excuse for YOUR bad behavior in starting this conflict, and argument! Even if you think you are just protecting her honor, there is no excuse.

There is no excuse for this kind of control, or your lack of faith.

This is all about other guys putting their hands on your girl. That makes you possessive, controlling, and obsessed with protecting YOUR territory, and that's not love, because there is no trust, or faith.

[Pboy87]

I do plan on apologizing. AS I Know my words weren't right.
But I don't know if I can handle it calmly in future.. As in.. She will continue dancing(thats her life).. I'd never want her to stop. But I just can't understand that close dance being just sensual dance and no other intimate or sexual intention between the dancers.
I have complete faith that my girlfriend wouldn't ever cheat. Or do any crap. But also worries me that the guys with her are just feeling her up as they are rubbing bodies literally. And Since she is So into the dance, she doesn't care about it as she wants to dance. There have even been times when she has told me that some dancers actually deliberately feel other parts while dancing but since they are senior dancers young girls need work and have to tolerate it.
I have complete faith in her,and trust her and love her. I just can't see other guys all over her feeling her body while she is engrossed in dance.

[talaniman]

Reread this post and see how many times you repeat the same thing over, and over. You are stuck on a single idea, and can't let it go. Its not her, the guys, just YOU, and only YOU.

[Pboy87]

Hmmmm.. but how do I let it go? What do I do? To change this mindset? That's what I don't know how to change and I really wish to change this thinking...

[talaniman]

Think before you act or speak, learn to shut up, and above all learn to control yourself, and your feelings.

Just because you have certain feelings doesn't mean you should act on them, and certainly not act badly because of them.

[Pboy87]

Hmmm.. true... I am working on the shutting up bit. Trying to keep things to myself. But then it just kills me inside. How am I supposed to go about getting rid of this thought process that others are feeling her up and that disgusting closeness of hers with other guys? I want to kill the whole root cause. But don't know how to change this whole thinking..
I haven't lived in such an environment. Ever been around dancers. So I can't seem to open up my mind to sensual close dance being just dance and nothing sexual. I need help and understanding this bit.

[talaniman]

Accept she is a dancer, and that's what they do. You don't get to put your own ideas of decency on others. That's called prejudice.

When you have those thoughts, tell yourself how silly they are, and not act on them. Or keep losing control over yourself, and destroy the relationship.

I suspect this is but one part of more issues that you have with your female, and she does many things to trigger these feelings in you. I don't see anyone going out dancing everyday, for fun. So I think you have issues and use that time she does as an excuse, since I doubt if you even go with her.

So you probably just sit at home while she parties, and seethe with what you think is happening. Don't you have other things to do besides obsess about what she is doing? You probably hate it when she gets dressed up to go dancing to. That starts your mind thinking in jealous ways.

[Pboy87]

Actually... I don't get invited to her parties as her friends don't like me (this particular dance was at her best friends party and that female hates me) or other friends don't know me as they are from hher dance circle and not close friends.. and hence I don't like intruding.. I don't get invited So I don't go. She is invited and should go.
I take her partying with my friends. Doesn't mean she has to make me a tag along where I'm not invited.
And its not like I have a problem with her dancing. Its just that this particular pic was with a guy who is a player (would have sex with anything) and was drunk at that time and it wasn't a right posture. I know the theory of dance even though I don't practically know it. The hand stays on the shoulder blade in any dance, Not on the waist all around the back.
My girlfriend is just too naïve. Thinks that this guy thinks of her just as a friend when he has openly said it that he has a crush on her and was clearly drunk then. And so thinks that just because he was drunk he did it wrong and held her like that.

I had other issues but I am over all of them. This is the only one that seems to be bothering me.
She doesn't go out everyday though she gets invited to many parties regularly due to hectic work.
She is an attention seeker (not being rude , but she says it too) and she likes dressing up and getting noticed and In a way I feel proud of it that people notice her. That's not something that would bother me.
Even if people on the road walking past say.. 'pretty girlll' or something.. instead of her getting angry, she thanks them and we continue walking.

I go partying with my friends and she, with her friends.
The problem is, we stay in different cities around 3 hours apart. So whenever she comes down We party with my friends. Her best friends stay in my city as well, but I drop her till their place and leave from outside usually as I know they don't like me, and I don't like them.( whenever we have fought, her friends know her side of the story and so they hate me.. and that's fine.. she needs someone to tell her stories to. But those friends call me and yell at me or do stuff to hurt me and that has me pissed off against them).
She stays over with those friends many times and sometimes with me but all this doesn't bother me.

It was just this close dance thing that Im having a hard time digesting as I have never seen people around me do it.. and whatever I have seen of it, from movies or television soaps is it being sexual and that's been fed into my head deep.

That's why I can't see close dance as just dance and nothing more sexual involved.
I was even thinking of joining a dance class to mingle around those people, learn the art and understand it to understand my girlfriend better.
But right now Im just very confused what to do.

[talaniman]

TV isn't real, the drunk is no threat, so drop those excuses, and do not consider them as facts, but what's the deal with you and her friends?

What you do is get control over your thoughts and actions. More so when there is distance involved between you. I think you have let frustrations slip into your thoughts, and the fear is very apparent. Insecurities, and anger, and jealousy, and frustrations all are rooted in fear.

These are your feelings so deal with them, and stop letting them deal with you. We all have feelings my friend, intense ones for sure, but we cannot act in inappropriate ways because of them. We can't help our feelings, but we can control what we do because of them. How old are you both?

[Pboy87]

We are both 24.
And true, I do get jealous. Not insecure though. But yes, jealous and then possessive.I have been working on this issue.
And its because of the possessiveness that I can't see her close o any guy or anyone else touching her.. especially when its just for personal fun and not work.

And I have stopped trying to let out what I feel when I know its going to create a fight. Even this time. I told her that I saw the pic and am a bit uncomfortable so I need some space or we might end up fighting because of what's going on in my head. And he kept asking me to tell her , and when I did.. I became huge as She argued back. Usually I just shut up when she argues back to not let it grow but this time my head was pretty much screwed too.

I just can't yet see it calmly that she can be physically close to another man too and that too publicly when she is public shy of me and won't even hug me or act lovey dovey in public with me.
And because of her close dancing, people have also thought at times that she is that dancers girlfriend or something and then she has to correct them , that No no, this is my boyfriend, not that guy.
People think that that guy and my girl have a thing going on then. And this is one of the major problems.. People thinking crap.

[talaniman]

You can't control what others say, think, or do! Not even your girlfriend. You can only control yourself. So control yourself. Just takes time and work, and practice.

[Pboy87]

hmmmm.. thanks so much for that advise.. will surely work on it.. but sounds very tough though...

I thought about it all day, and realised, that this is in fact the biggest issue for me.. about what people think about her and how they link her with others or what crap the talk about her after dancing with her or when they see someone dancing with her.
This guy who danced with her put that particluar close dancing pic up as his profile pic and some random dude commented 'ahem ahem.. solid stuff.. ;).. ' and that bit bothered me.

And now come to think of it... that's what I need to get over.. I can't help what people think and who they link her with.. She gets close with many guys during dance and gets liked with them and those dancers do say crap like 'dude.. did u check how closei was with her and how I felt her.' and their friends gve them a high five and stuff...
I think I just get bothered as I feel like a loser that others did that with my girlfriend and tell their friends exaggerated crap about it and I can't do anything about it. And indirectly I feel they laugh at me that they did such stuff with my girl and she let them.
More like.. How a when someone's girlfriend cheats on her boyfriend with another guy and that other guy meets this boyfriend.. he has this thing in his mind, that your girl came to me to get physical, that means you are so useless and couldn't do anything about it and you still took her back.

[talaniman]

And that sir, is insecurity, a product of fear... of what others think about you.

Acknowledge it, and find the courage to love yourself, even when others don't.