[jem1984]

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 months. When we first got together he kept saying to me that there was no rush for sex, as he wanted it to be really special. I didn't think anything of this until 8 weeks down the line we still had not been intimate with each other.

So one night I made the night special, cooked a meal lit candles, and wore something sexy. When the time came to go to bed he just froze and said he couldn't and shy-ed away every time I went to touch him. I then got very upset as I thought it was me until he opened up and said his ex partner had previously punished him, and stuck her nail into the end of his penis. It must of taken him some courage but he showed me and this has left a nasty purple bruise 9 months later. I explained to him that I would stand by him and help him get past being scared and we could go and see a doctor together which he did not want to do.

Over time things haven't improved really. He lets me touch him, and we do have sex but not for more than a few minutes he doesn't even undress me properly. 9 times out of 10 I still have my bra, and top on, once he has finished he gets off me, and gets dressed. He never considers me, if I have orgasmed, or if I am satisfied. It's like he can't wait for it to be over.

Another thing Is he won't have foreplay with me anymore. I have since learned this is because he finishes again to quickly, so tried the break, and going, for round 2 which surprise surprise he not interested in. I am at the point now where we only have sexy time if it's me coming onto him, and even then it's a 2 minute job. I have asked him on numerous occasions, is he cheating, or is it me, do I not turn him on, and he says its none of those things. I don't think he is cheating as most nights he is with me or at work (we work together) so know he is at work.

I just don't know what to do anymore, I know he has had a bad past his dad use to beat him and as an escape he admits he married a woman a lot older (18years) to escape his home life and didn't love the woman and then when he divorced her he met the woman who cruelly hurt him

The reason for this post was my last straw was last night I suggested an early night for sexy time and he said he wanted to watch a dvd and left me to go to bed on my own its now been 6 days since we had sex

Sorry for the essay just wanted to make sure I got it all down if anyone has any advice I would muchly appreciate it. Thanks a lot

[talaniman]

This fellow needs help and understanding, and no wonder you are frustrated trying to MAKE him make you happy. He has been severely traumatized, and as long as you can only see YOUR needs are not met in the bedroom, you cannot help him.

This has never been about sexy time. Its always been about him getting healthy. He is with you for companionship, so he isn't alone, and to have a healthy relationship in all areas, you have to both be healthy. He clearly is not.

You better figure out how to talk, and meet each others minds before the bodies can come together.

He has to get help, or given time without pressure to deal with his own issues, or this will never work if all you see, and react to is his not wanting a healthy sexy time.

If you cannot guide him to the right help, support, and understanding, there will be no sexy time. It's a lot more complicated than sex, and goes beyond what just you can do.

As long as you are distracted by your own frustrations, you will keep ignoring his very real need to get to a healthy place, and overcome this dysfunctional interaction situation with the right help.