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Wondergirl · Dec 31, 2011, 10:06 AM

Can you get a new bed, or at least a new mattress? That would creep me out, to have to sleep on the old one.

Seems like you are already doing a good job of thinking positively. I am so proud of you!

joypulv · Dec 31, 2011, 10:09 AM

The bed is just a bed, but it's also a symbol for you that is easy to latch on to when the present isn't going so well and you can't define what's wrong.
Be a shaman for a day and drive out any hold the memory has over you (not the memory itself). Move it to another side of the room. Wave some branches over it and light some incense and sprinkle flower petals or something, and read a poem you wrote. Sort of a 'BEGONE' ritual.
I'm all for positive thinking, but not fake smiles and fake happiness. If bad things happen in life, and they do to most of us, make them part of you and convert them into a good you; don't try to deny them.
Plus, someone out there is just like you and NEEDS your help, just as you are getting some here.

WorthlessIdiot · Dec 31, 2011, 11:16 AM

Hmm. Maybe changing things up a little or something will help. And I think if I write about it it helps the memories fade. I love the idea of devoting a time to let go of things that hurt or haunt me. That and using the problem as a way to learn a lesson.

WorthlessIdiot · Jan 1, 2012, 11:19 PM

SO: I talked to my Mom today about being bipolar. She's basically been taking it as a joke so I wanted to make it serious. I'm not mad at her but I want to get her attention. So I brought it up. I said I was her polar bear :P she laughed and said, "yes, you are." and I asked, "can we talk about that a little?" and she says, "sure, I guess." and she's messing around on the computer. So I say, "I guess the way you said the polar bear thing made me feel like you were apathetic and that you wanted to treat the issue like it was a joke... but I wouldn't have scored that high on the test if I hadn't been suicidal. So it's a bit important to me." and she says, "okay..." and I say, "well, I was just hoping you cared or something." and she goes, "how are you planning on killing yourself?" and I say, "I don't know..." because I actually have multiple ways, and I would say them but at that point I feel really stupid. And she says, "okay, well, you're not suicidal..." and I just say, "and you would know better than me because I never talk to you and Dad about anything." and she says, "that makes it your fault, not mine. Plus, suicidal people live bad lives. There's no one hurting you or screaming at you or throwing you at the door and locking it behind you... there's no one hitting you or abusing you at all." but while she says it I feel like she might as well do all of those things. I don't know what would hurt more: her not caring, or her hurting me. She does both in a way but it's all mental and hidden behind layers of curtains of smiles, jokes, laughs, gifts... I guess it's just my view on here; I love her. She's a great girl. But she makes me feel like that feeling isn't mutual. I don't know who else to talk to but I tried... so I texted my friend, Aaron. He said he cared and he would help me... and then he said "anyways, I got important stuff to do. My fave show is on so ttyl" and I said, "bye..." Then I went downstairs and threw. Up. My. Dinner. Because I weighed myself and I'm now 108 pounds. My boyfriend told me I needed to lose some weight and the only reason he was dating me was that I had "big boobs." sorry. That was kind of inappropriate. Then he said I was a slut and I'd fall for anybody. The worst part is, he's right. Every word he said is true. Except the big... never mind. That's sooooooo awkward. So I puked again for his sake... and I'm at 99.8 pounds now. I'm huuuge. It's disgusting. So I basically slept for the rest of the day because it's better than being awake, but I kept waking up covered in a cold sheet of sweat. Like dripping like I'd come out of the shower. I feel so nasty. So I took a little drink but stopped because I thought of the answers on this site. I won't forget them. I'm trying to move forward every day. I know I'm still making mistakes but at least if I take two steps back I'll take one forward. Someday I'll start moving in the right direction, and I at least have a destination, which isn't perfection but it's something.

Wondergirl · Jan 1, 2012, 11:32 PM

I feel like calling up your mom and giving her a piece of my mind!

You're smart, you're creative, and you're very introspective. Where does this take us and how can we help?

odinn7 · Jan 1, 2012, 11:41 PM

I think Wondergirl is taking care of this really well and I don't have much to add except this:

Your "boyfriend" sounds like an idiot and I don't think he is helping your self-esteem all that much here. Any guy that tells their girlfriend that they are fat and a slut is not worth being with at all. He has no respect for you and I have to wonder if you would have more respect for yourself if he was out of your life. You should have someone that actually cares about you for who you are and above all, someone who respects you.

By the way... Wondergirl is right... your writing is really vivid.

Good luck to you.

WorthlessIdiot · Jan 1, 2012, 11:53 PM

Odinn, wondergirl,
Sure, you can call my mom. Her number is 1-800-BEOTCH and it's open 24 hours a day. >:l grr, rar!
I think if maybe I manage to channel my anger into things that will improve me then I will eventually begin to move in a positive direction- towards the goal of improvement. I just don't know why I should stop DRINKING and PUKING. Oh. And cutting, but that's just stupid. Also, I can't break up with Will. I'm scared of him and he happens to be the only guy who will date me.
Ever.
And Aaron has a girlfriend. And I feel like I always have to talk to boys because they understand. With most girls, well, they make me feel like a wimp. My best friend, Alaina, would help. But every time I try to tell her I literally stop being able to talk at all. I love you both so much and appreciate your help. This is the first time in my life something online has actually HELPED me.
Thank you for your healing words and precious love.
Love,
Siku

Wondergirl · Jan 2, 2012, 05:38 AM

Hey, you're 14 and need to take care of yourself. (We know Will and Aaron aren't up for the job... ) The drinking and puking and cutting and DATING (?? ) -- naaaaaaaaaaah, you're too good for that immature stuff.

It's a new year and time to turn over a new leaf. I'm going to eat oatmeal and bananas for breakfast every morning and get back to reading at least two books a week. Tell me two positive things you will do for yourself.