[fitos]

I'm writing this in both the hope for an elightment, not being sure yet weather or not to publish it.

I met my fiancŽ five and half years go, I had just finished studying and she was 5 years younger (she was 19, I was 24). I was still working at the University so I kind of had a student's life.

We slept together on the second date but took no commitement, it did not start as a relationship. Back then she was also very fat due to an hormonal problem and I was going out a lot. Still although our friends knew that we had an non-exclusive relationship, I always respected her and never took a public action that could make her feel ashamed or embarrassed. We were above all good friends that were also free.

I think I was already in-love but too imature to realise it and 7 months after we've met I got some extra money, and bought a trip to Venice for the two of us. The trip was going to be a surprise but I had sex with another girl and got suspicious I could have some desiease and so I had to tell her about the girl...

This was a wake-up call, in the beginning she was OK with it, but later the same night she cried and told me that, although she knew we were not exclusive she didn't want to know about other girls. The next day I showed her the ticket I had previously bought to Venice has a proof that although I had been with another girl, she was the one I liked.

Looking back I was an idiot and very selfish, but as she was so permisive, I didn't feel the necessity to be exclusive.

However, little by little we started to like each other more and more. It started to annoy me that she was never calling (always awiting for my call) and sometimes I would wonder where she was.
At 25 I was still living with my parents (something normal in our country) and my father did not understand my desire to leave and find my own place (for him it was a waste of money).

Our first year was magical and some of the best time of my life. I would go out with friends picking up girls, and was so happy I could discard girl after girl in preference for my relationship. It was wrong but it felt good.

Then.. About one year and half into our relationship I got a proposal and came to work in Germany. I could (should?) have stopped the relationship right there, but I couldn't mostly out of fear. I was afraid I wouldn't fit into a new country and used our relationship as a safeguard (this is the first time I'm putting this outside).

Then a whirlpoll of things happened. Her father lost his job (her mother has never worked), her friends threw her out of the apparment because she couldn't pay her share of the rent. And she went to live with my parents for a while until things got better and she found a cheaper place to stay (a friend of my mother had a cheap room to rent).

Together with this I unexpectedly felt in love here in Germany it was a very intense but destructive relationship.

After a while, before going back to home for holydays I broke-up the relationship here and was decided to do the same at home. I had never considered any other girl as a betrayal, but this time I had real feelings and felt like I had trully betrayed her.

I will never forget her look when I told her that I had been with another girl and wanted to break-up. It was like as if someone had lost all hopes, dreams and faith all at once. It looked like she aged 5 years in 2 seconds. Then she said she had to leave the room.

I was in her bedroom and started crying, I was hurt and hurting people that liked me. When she came back I asked for another chance, I was willing to commit make effort to make the relationship work. But it was all a lie, what I couldn't do was bear with the knowing that I had inflicted so much pain and destroyed someone else's dreams.

Coming back was horrible, within 15 days I got back to the destructive relationship only to finally finish in the worst way possible with my self-esteem completely destroyed.

For one year things didn't get better, I switched jobs and got new responsabilities in a team that didn't like me (I was a superior to people more experient than me), I had less time to go out and was still trying to prove myself to my friends by hitting on other girls.
Meanwhile her father was out of work again and I started helping her by sending some money every month. Before I knew it, their parents stopped sending her money at all and I was paying for all her tuition and all expenses.

I think this was actually a good thing because it made me realise how important she was for me and allowed me to forgive myself for the past. I started feeling less guilty and always told her not to worry about the money- as a couple the best option was for me to help her finantially so that we could move in together as soon as possible.

I was free (from remorse) and in love again.

Then late last year my father was diagnosed with cancer. A few months later a childhood friend finds a job near me and moves in for a few weeks. I considered him as being in a happy marriage, but he betrayed his wife on the first chance.
That was a shok to me, he did not love his wife and was in an unhappy relationship.

At that time with my father doing chemotherapy and my girlfriend living so far away, I felt fear. I could not loose the love of my life.

I changed, I had stopped flirting and all sorts of games earlier, but this time I felt ready for a commitement. I proposed her in marriage early this year, she said yes and we were so happy. I feel happy just remembering about it.

I do not recall the specific date, but on one night she called me suggesting the weddding for the day it makes 6 years since we first started dating (nearly a year and a half later), I said yes but I was astounished that things were moving so fast (I had imagined a longer engagemnet).

A few months later we had our engagement party where my family met hers. It was the last time I saw my father.

6 weeks after his death we went on a weeks planned vacation. During that time I had a jealosy crysis, which in the end I consider it was healthy. She had done nothing wrong (other that looking to another guy, but I guess we all do it and sometimes we just can't help it) and I felt that being able to deal with this is part of life at two. She was not going to betray me, but she could still find a guy atractive.

We talked about it and although it was harder than it should, it was sloved.. Except that for the first time since the relationship had began, she now knew for sure how important she was to me.

After the holydays we went to her parents.. In the day we arrived, so did her father that had been released from work again.

From her side I knew she had to re-adjust to her newly given "power" over me, and although I was feeling her to be more bossy and cold than usual I accepted that as part of the adjustment process. I knew that in a couple I could not expect always to have the lead.
She justified her distance because she felt disrespected that I had been so jealos of something so meaningless to her.

Still with her father out of work another problem was creeping, how was he supposed to pay for his share of the wedding? Although she was saving a lot (e.g. By pre-cooking something's herself) there are many expenses involved and I alone could not pay for everything without a _major_ sacrifice, if at all.

My mother and my blind grandmother arrived one week later. It was 2 months since my father had died and the only reason why she was going was to make me company and avoid causing any disconfort (e.g. That by refusing an invitation she could be considered as not being supporting enough the wedding).

The enviremont was horrible, my mother was extremely sad and always medicated (although not extremely medicated) she just wanted to see the days pass. My grandmother is blind and if not assisted would stay for hours in the bathroom waiting for someone to take her to another room. Her father was with money, job or ways to contribute to his daughter's wedding.

And I was getting the cold treatment from my girlfriend, and starting to have doubts (although not serious) mostly due to the treatment I was having. Looking back this could have been caused by me refusing to tell her that I couldn't pay for everything and her pressing me to do things related to the marriage.
Although in all fairness she did suggested once that in case we couldn't save enough we should rethink things later on and I shruged this saying that no, if we were on the boat we wouldn't stop peddling.

But then one of the days after I had confirmed with the party place and had paid for the rings, she started talking about how my mother had previously that day extorced money from her's (somehting like asking her to pay for something making it unconfortable for her mother to say no). She was not being objective, she was being destructive like if she hated my mother. Even worst her little 7 years old brother was in the car. She should never acuse my mother like that and should never talk about anyone like that, and worst of all should never talk about anyone like that in front of a child.

I told her that it had to be a misunderstanding and that I couldn't see my mother doing anything like that, but I avoided a fight. That afternoon I had to take my mother (and grandmother) to the church as it was exactly two months since my father had past away.

I stayed outside and called my sister. She confirmed that there was no way that my mother could have done what she was being accused of and I should put one mother against the other and they both should come out with a resolution.

I did not say anything to my mother and went to my fiancŽ when we arrived home. She was giving me the cold and ignoring me altogether. I felt desperate. We were close to go for dinner and I couldn't let it happen. I could not permit my mother (which was suffering and still making an effort trying to be nice to people) being joked around in secret. With my fiancŽ ignoring me, I couldn't stay anymore and I broke down.

I called my mother apart and asked her to tell me her version of the story, she had no idea what I was saying and was little by little realising what was happening as I progressed with making questions. Then while crying, I told her to grab her things because I could not stay in a place where they did not respect her.
She jumped out of bed and said she would never be part of me breaking up with anyone, she went directly to the living room, to my fiancŽ's mother and point by point repeated her version of the story asking every time for my fiancŽ's mother to correct her in case she disagreed.

My Mother's reaction made it obvious that it was either misunderstanding or the other woman was trying to put her daughter against my mother. Then her father catched up and started yelling and it was even worst.

A few hours later my mother forced me to stay there that night and I agreed. Still her father blamed it all on the daughter telling me that she had no reason to tell me what she did and that she had exaggerated what the mother had said. I did not knew what to believe. It was just too much for me.

The next day we left. As I was leaving she demaned me to pass by the fotografer to confirm the dates for the weeding.

I don't remember much the day after, my mother sided with me and although she was trying to restrain herself from attacking my fiancŽ she was doing so.

The other day she texted me. I still needed some more time to think, but she was asking me to please call her.

I knew that if she was to sleep that night without a call from me, she would loose hope and when she woke up things would never be the same again.

So although I was not ready I called her, but instead of a coherent speech I just dumped all doubts and complaints both that I had and that my mother had shared with me. I was rude and inconvenient but I was also not myself.

She called me the next day, saying that she wanted to pay me for all that I had given her, and if I wanted she could give me her engagement ring, I replied that I was not ready to take mine off. She came that same day and we met at night to talk.

I must say a part of me was scared as she seemed ready to say and do anything to get back together, including assuming all and any guilt (the extreme opost of the previous days where it was all my fault).

We had it planned for her to move in with me about 10 days later and we decided to stick with the plan.

When she arrived (this time forever) we had some very ruff times. The first week she was recovering but then she got tired, without anything to do all day she was actually great. I had cleaned ironed cloths every day for the first since a long time. She was coocking and, most often than not after dinner she would have a crisis because she was alone and faraway from her family. I was always there for her.

Then she started a very intensive course in German (4 hours a day every week day homework) she's the best student in class and she makes me very proud. One night we awake in bed speaking until late and it felt so great, I think that day I finally relaxed, I had the best woman I could wish for. However somehow that relaxement made me start sleeping a lot and I lost most of my sexual desire for one week.

At the end of the week I had a friend's birthday and she told me I should go (since it was only guys going) that she was staying home. We had agreed for me to call her if I was arriving later than 02h, but it was more or less implicit that I was not going to arrive later because I had agreed we were going chrismas shopping the next day.

I told all my friends I needed to call by 02h, but by some unfortunate mistake I get a wrong call from my sister at 02h and compelitely forgot about the rest. My friends saw me on the phone and thought I had done the phone call.
At 02:20 I get a phone call, I got home shortly after and accepted I did wrong for not calling her. She told me that she felt ignored and remembered she was all alone here and I was the only person she has and I had forgotten about her.

The next day we went shopping. I must say, after a while I was exausted. I hate shopping and I had not sleepen fully. But also we were shopping for her famillly and I was paying for all. She never choose anything expensive, but I felt a bit used. I didn't say anything because it was important to her, I was not acting on this but I did get a bit more silent than usual.
When I thought we were done, she said " shall we buy now the perfume for my mother or shall we go later" and a unforunate reply came out something like "let's do it now, let's get the f***ing perfume and be done with it", she didn't react.

Later that night we were going to meet some friends and she started basically demotivating me from buying my mother the present I had thought of. After a couple of points from each side I said something like "look its my mother, I should know what's best for her", she started crying.

We left the tram and she started saying that I did not involve her when choosing the presents for my family, and finalised saying that I didn't seem to care about her family. After a while of this I got mad and said that yes, it was true and obviosly I do like and will always like more of my family than of her's.

She apologised later that night, but I felt horrible. After I had done so much all this time, she was asking me to buy clothes and presents for her family, it's not something special but then she was also demanding it.

She was demanding me and trying to make me feel like it was my obligation to support her family, this made me feel despised and used in the worst way. She was taking me for granted and asking for more and more. When would it stop?
I felt as if being absorbed and nothing I could do would make things even. Even though she apologised a few hours later, she crossed the line, what if she will repeat it?

Things got worst little by litle and the other day I had no more reasons to keep the relationship, she started by attacking me and hope for some justification and confort from me, but for the first time I was exausted. One hour later she was crying by my side saying that she loved me, she wanted to know if I loved her and I couldn't reply.

The next day spend the work day in the computer looking in the internet for how/if to breakup a relationship. When I arrive home from work tired went straight for a shower, she jumped in naked and we showered and had great sex. Since then she has been great and supportive.

It's 5 days now since that fight and we never talked about it ever again.
What should I do?

[talaniman]

You have gone through a lot, and have more to go through. Only time can tell if you both can handle the obstacles that life throws at you together.

One day at a time. Try to be good to each other.