[Harleygirl880]

Husband of almost 5 years (together for 8) came out to me a week ago. At the time he didn't know what he wanted. He loves me wholeheartedly (that's his word) and has never cheated. But he's afraid If he stays he isn't being true to himself. In his childhood he had a "friend" that started like every kids curiosity. This lasted a number of years and he said he felt ashamed. He's from a good Mormon family with good Mormon values. He was taught that you get married and have kids and that's your life. He dated girls but I was his "first". He says he leaned on a family member to help him get to that point but it didn't seem so hard to be with this childhood "friend." He told me at one time that the idea being with a man disguists him but I don't know if he was trying to make me feel better. He's afraid he will be alone the rest of his life. But in the next sentence he tells me he's not ready to walk away from us. He feels like he's alone and doesn't know who he really is but classifies himself as gay. I asked him the other day if women light that fire in him and his answer was "girl on girl porn doesn't do a thing for him, straight is ok, but man on man is good.". He tells me he's attracted to me but I'm the only girl he will ever be with. He has been to see a councelor once and has an appointment this week and I see one next week. I don't know if I can wait that long but I'm going to have to.
I'm so confused. We've decided to go ahead with a divorce but were both afraid were making the biggest mistake of our lives. I know logically there's no chance for us but I don't want to lose my best friend. I miss him already and it's only been a week.
What do I do from here? Where do I turn?
We have 3 kids together... this is my 3rd marriage and of course his first. I just don't know

[Fr_Chuck]

Girl on Girl porn does not turn many straight men on. And for some reason straight men sometimes do watch gay porn.
Desires to have sex with men or women is what defines them, Would he prefer to have sex with men. Also if he is bi, he would enjoy both.

With that said, if he is bi, liking both, it is not an excuse to cheat, if he was straight, being straight is not an excuse to have sex with other women.

Also experimenting with gay sex does not make him gay, It sounds like he is having a hard time with guilt about this and because he had sex with another guy, he is forever branded as gay. It could be the moral teaching that he can not get over.

I would suggest counseling so he can come to discover what he prefers. If he is bi, he is married and cheating is not a option, if he is gay, and wants to follow that life style, he divorces you.

[Harleygirl880]

I kindof asked him about him and sex with a man and it kind of got skirted around. Comes back to curiosity and he doesn't know who he really is and what move he needs to make.

He's already seen a counselor once last week and has another appt in a couple of days. He did say that it is a good thing for him and it can help him.

Also he's got two siblings that like their own gender so he's looking at that as what defines him too. I personally don't think he knows what he is and I do hope the therapy sessions helps him see that light. I just really don't know what to do in the meantime. Neither of us are really wanting to walk away from our marriage but we keep going back and forth.

I worry about my kids and how a divorce will disrupt and mess with their lives. I know kids bounce back and adapt to most situations.

[Harleygirl880]

Oh and he says he's never cheated and I don't doubt that either. His outlet to it has been the porn and I can handle that... it doesn't really bother me I guess. Men are visual and I get that.

[Saemm]

I am currently struggling with my own sexuality and I can relate to your husband.. My only worry is getting old and lonely. I think your husband is confused about his sexuality. I hope the therapist session help him find what he really wants

[Eilishagrah]

I was Mormon for most of my life, my husband was gay. We have a son who is also gay (his father never saw him) so anybody who says you just choose it isn't thinking scientifically.

My experience is pretty vast since the 1980s when I discovered my husband's sexual persuasion, and then later my son's. I have many gay and lesbian friends.

The thing I noticed particularly about Mormon men is that they do go the church route and then in their 40s after marriage and 8 kids find they can't do it any more. Your husband may very well just be confused since in Mormonism it is absolutely forbidden to even explore the whys of your situation. It is going to take time and probably some experiences for him to realize what his sexual persuasion truly is, and that's a real mess for you and the kids.

For yourself and those children, you have to think of your future too. Do you want to invest your all in this man? If you do, work with him through every avenue you can find to help him become comfortable with his sexuality. If he discovers he is indeed gay, then be his friend. Let him be father to his kids and remain close. They need him and so will you. But one day you are going to want someone who loves you wholly for yourself so don't leave your own future out of this equation.

If he is simply confused about things he doesn't fully understand, then the counseling may help him. My advice is that he not see an LDS counselor because they will only make it worse for him. He has to be able to accept himself for whoever he is and they will merely try to change anything the church disapproves of. What your husband needs is an unbiased sexual counselor - and so do you - to help you both work through and figure this out.

Good luck to you, and remember that it is not the end of your world either way. A counselor can help strengthen your marriage either way, whatever your husband's future you need him in yours.