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BrokenNiks · Dec 9, 2011, 06:32 AM

So I am a girl, and just got with my first girlfriend. We have been dating on and off for a year. Recently she broke up with me again. The reason she gives is she feels unappreciated. Let me give you a little background.

We were just looking at places to live together, and even talked about come January to start saving for in vitro. I already have a 6 year old so we were a family. Whenever she breaks up with me so says very mean things and tells me to leave her alone. Normally I do beg and plead for her. This time I left her alone. However she was contacting a family member for her belongings, so I told her to message me, we are adults, and of course she has nothing nice to say.

So yesterday I messages her and said I put a letter in your bag please Read it. She said she probably won't and to leave her alone. So we kind of argued back and forth, she said she hates me, and doesn't want to care about me anymore. She cares about herself. Seeing my name just makes her mad and she hates me and is jaded.

Normally when she has broken up with me it's always when were about to take a next step in our relationship . I love her more then anyone ever In my life. I don't want this to be the end and not contacting her, its killing every part of me. Normally she is rude with her words and she has said way worse things. Its Christmas time a time for the family :*( .Any advice someone can give me ?)

The first break up was 8 weeks and 2nd was 5 Weeks. Help please, is it done??

talaniman · Dec 9, 2011, 03:44 PM

More than likely if the pattern holds she will be back in 5 to 8 weeks if you beg and plead like you always do.

Unless she has grown tired of the off, and on, or doesn't want to take the next step in the relationship.

Seems to me you would have grown tired of this crap yourself, with all the begging, pleading, breaking up, especially for the third time in a year??

I would be sick, and tired, and long gone myself.

vanheart · Dec 9, 2011, 05:02 PM

When someone doesn't want you & says all of that, then split.
That should be all you need to hear, honestly.

Go NC with your head held high.

What? Do you want to keep begging?

That's disgraceful. Screw that.

There's other girls that will appreciate what you have to give.

geminichick · Dec 11, 2011, 08:24 AM

I'm sorry to hear about that! YOu need to just let her go. She's obviously not as ready as you are to move things that forward. Just don't contact her anymore. If she is being mean and distasteful towards you, you are only going to be hurt even further. There are other women out there who will respect you, especially when there is a child mixed up in the whole issue. It would be hard on your child to see you so hurt. Just put one foot forward. It's been 8 weeks now. Go another 8 weeks. Things will get easier.

Yes, the holidays are coming. YOu do have a family that loves you. YOur child... your parents... any other relatives and friends. Good luck to you, and take care!

BrokenNiks · Dec 12, 2011, 08:26 AM

Posts merged and edited/T

Thanks guys!! Well she has finally came to her senses and is going to be around for my daughter which is most important as she doesn't need people in and out of her life .

However she said we need to be friends first before anything can happen which I totally agree with. Cause when you are with someone you need to be friends with them as well as a partner. She said this break up is the final one however then she said that... So I'm just wondering if this is a good sign ?

talaniman · Dec 12, 2011, 11:39 AM

So what's up with this back and forth, make up/break up behavior?

BrokenNiks · Dec 12, 2011, 12:04 PM

Well we spoke yesterday and she said we need to be friends first before anything . I also agree cause we kind of got lost in ourselves last time .I just don't know if that is a good or bad sign :s? Were not going to talk about the past as it doesn't do anything so for now I guess we will start as friends ? Do you think this is a good or bad sign ?

talaniman · Dec 12, 2011, 12:36 PM

What do you mean by move to the next level since you already say you are family? Sorry for all the questions, but the more details, and info, the better picture you paint, because to be honest it seems you really overwhelm her sometimes for whatever reason, and don't relent. Or she cannot commit to what YOU want for whatever reason.

Personally something tells me you want her to take more responsibility for your daughters well being, am I close, or shooting blanks?

BrokenNiks · Dec 12, 2011, 12:52 PM

Im not going to pretend I'm innocent and something's that I did was let my past control my present which did cause some turmoil between us . Im not holding her accountable for my daughter at all she goes her own pace and Im not looking for her to do more then she is willing .She is the one who wants to still be I her life . We were a family Yes and her family was involved too so its hard on all involved. I think you're right though I did overwhelm her and not give her all the space she needed so that could be another issue and my fault as well. However Im seeking counseling now for my past issues. I was in an abusive/controlling relationship for 6 years before her and As I said I let some of that come between us.So she's not happy with me I'm that aspect and says she doesn't trust my words anymore.So I hope my actions will show the change . So I think that is why she would like to be friends first so we can build from there .I hope this helps and ask all you want I love feedback

talaniman · Dec 12, 2011, 01:27 PM

How much time passed before you got with your GIRL friend, after you left your MAN?

And who will be the one carrying this child that the in vitro is intended for?

BrokenNiks · Dec 12, 2011, 01:30 PM

Like 8-9 months. However that relationship was horrible and I wasn't in love with him I was scared and when we finally left it was the best day of my life.

talaniman · Dec 12, 2011, 02:29 PM

I can appreciate that sentiment, but jumping into another relationship before you have fully healed almost always puts your new partner at an emotional disadvantage. As you are learning better ways to be better, she has to be patient and capable of dealing with you as YOU unpack your baggage.

As you are seeing its not an easy or quick process, and can be overwhelming, and quite difficult for someone that has only a small clue to what you have been through.

Now about that baby you both want. Wait 3 years, at least. To plan such a life changing event, or even think this is a healthy decision is plain crazy at this point. I get love, and be loved, but YOU have to fully love yourself first.

I respectfully submit that your own feelings are based on NEED of support, and a fear of being alone more than a healthy love.

Just be friends until you are healthy, and ready for a healthy partner, and not a doctor or a nurse to get your full strength back. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

No wonder she runs when you want to move to the next level.

BrokenNiks · Dec 12, 2011, 02:31 PM

Thank you for the response I really apperciate . Iam working on better me for me and my daughters sake no one else's... But in it I still don't want to lose her I love her and we have a really great relationship minus certain issues... So Im not sure what to do...

talaniman · Dec 12, 2011, 02:42 PM

Be friends and work on your issues, and know when to back off, as any good friend would. I assume there is sex, but don't get carried away by intense physical feelings and presume you share the same feelings.

Love is more than words, they are actions, and its obvious from her actions that her love is much more different than hers.

Honest calm communications, and patience is what gets you on the same page, and gives direction and purpose to the friendship. Even if you find you are not on the same page, at least you can make decisions based more on facts, and not just feelings.

Depending on love is a lot different than being able to COUNT on it. Healthy adults who love themselves can count on being happy. Those that are NOT healthy, or happy with themselves, depend on someone to love, and love them, to be happy. See the difference?

Ask yourself, do you have a happy life without them??

BrokenNiks · Dec 12, 2011, 03:37 PM

Wow that's amazing advice and I'm going to do exactly what you have said and hope for the best!! I'm happy without her but at the same time I love what we share so I miss that .

Do you think that this could bring us back together though? Is it a good step ?

talaniman · Dec 12, 2011, 04:11 PM

Of course you do. Who wouldn't. Just keep it real and stay with friendship as you work on yourself. As you see, I have merged your posts together to keep the WHOLE story, and ALL the facts in one place.

BrokenNiks · Dec 17, 2011, 08:10 AM

Posts merged and edited/T AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I posted on here confused last week if you read that then come read this.

My ex and I broke up over 2 weeks ago. She picked up her stuff from my cousin and in it I put a letter. She messaged me and told me she read it, if we could meet up and talk, not about the past? Then that same day she came to chill with my cousin and I. It was nice it did open a lot of stuff and I miss her more now. When she was here she was nice, and in her actions she showed she still cares about me and even slipped up and called me babe.

Well when she left yesterday she kind of seems like she's pulling back? Since we started talking slowly on Monday I've been letting her message me rather then me message her. I'm not sure if this is good and she's just playing hard to get? I'm a girl as well.

Please any help would be great! What should I do next ? I mean if she didn't care for me, why would she come to chill at my house?

Kahani Punjab · Dec 17, 2011, 08:14 AM

Broken Nicks,

Firstly, welcome to this great site!

She cares about you, and that's why she came. She cares about you, and that is why, she sms'es you. She cares about you and that's why, you SHOULD care her. She cares about you and that's why you should not forget her.

Time is a great healer. Communication has great power. Wait and watch. Everything will turn up fine.

Good luck!

BrokenNiks · Dec 17, 2011, 08:46 AM

Awww Thanks you for your response. I'm just nervous I don't
Want to lose her and how she knida is
Pulling bcd scared me . But I guess I should
Just let it unfold .

talaniman · Dec 17, 2011, 12:49 PM

Posts merged and edited/T, AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why not relax and enjoy the friendship, and act like a friend, not a needy desperate person who wants to be chased, and is in a rush to get back to being an official couple. Stop worrying about if she cares for you or not.

Be friends, not partners. Get "partners out of your head", that's clingy, insecure, desperate, needy, overwhelming, and way out of control. Just friends with separate lives and things to do who hang out sometimes.