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luluu · Dec 9, 2011, 05:32 AM

I have been with my boyfriend who works nights, for 8 years nearly. Because of his differing shifts, we've never had tons of time together, but averaged 3 evenings a week. Now he is manager of the bar he works in, and happy for him as I am, we now see each other about 1 evening, and for a couple hours on one other evening, because even on his nights off, he has to go in (or feels he has to) to do administration, help out, check on staff etc.

I am beginning to think he is a workaholic, or that he prefers being there to being home with me. I have told him that I want to be supportive, but am not happy with the amount of time we spend (or don't spend) together. Also because he has to 'pop in' here and there even when we have an evening, we can't go out or do anything. I have a day off in the week which was one reason I took my job, so that we could actually have a whole day together as he works every weekend, now he has a 4 hr meeting with his boss slap bang in the middle of that day!

I am so upset and frustrated about this, but he gets angry, and calls me selfish, and that I only think of myself, and I'm being whiny, and clingy. When I ask doesn't he miss spending time with me or going out he says 'no, we still see each other, and where do you want to go anyway?' When I say 'please can we try and go on holiday this year' because we haven't had a single one in 8 years due to lack of money/job problems etc, he gives me blank expressions, or tells me to stop pressuring him, we'll go at some point, or says 'not right now' but won't give a reason.

He says I want everything my way. Or I should go without him if I can't wait. I have never been abroad and he has had holidays with past girlfriends. I don't understand his attitude about any of this. Please someone can you give me your opinion and advice?

Kahani Punjab · Dec 9, 2011, 06:10 AM

luluu,

Welcome to this beautiful site, first!

I shall advise you to communicate your feelings with your boyfriend.

luluu · Dec 9, 2011, 06:15 AM

Thank you kahani!
I have tried but he thinks I am beingunsupportive and I don't give him space. How much space does he need? Can a relationship survive(and we've had a rocky one for sure) on one eve a week and no experiences other than sat in front of the TV on the sofa?

Kahani Punjab · Dec 9, 2011, 06:51 AM

Lululu,

I do not know which country you are from and what are your ages, but, I guess you are around 21 and your boyfriend around 22, and you are from USA. So, tell your friend to be intimate with you, and if he does not... I mean, if he fails to satiate you emotionally, physically and sexually, tell him frankly. Persuade him to open his heart before you and also see if he does not 'go' with other girls. Moreoever, I would suggest you to be yanky, I mean mod... I mean, get a new haircut, get new trendy boyish garments... to tempt him sexually.

What is your present haircut?
Which type of dress do you wear, while with him?
How do you feel while with him?
Did you ever ask him, how do he want to see you, in which dress and in which hairdo?

talaniman · Dec 9, 2011, 03:57 PM

I think you have to decide if this is working for you, and act accordingly. Maybe he IS a workaholic, but doesn't realize it. For sure he seems to have no trouble taking you for granted, or making you a lower priority in his life than you deserve.

Don't know how you put up with it for 8 years, and that's 8 years to long. Have some fun without him, and ignore him as he does you. Or leave.

luluu · Dec 11, 2011, 10:06 AM

Thank you for your opinions guys. He does trust me well.. he's faithful, but we just have so little time together and a lot of it he's asleep. If I try and talk to him he gets defensive and suggests that I need to be more independent and that I'm trying to control him and being very demanding. Feel like I can't win. He has suggested that Xmas is a very busy time for his work so I guess ill see how it goes in the new year. I love him and I do want this to work.

Oh and yes kahani, I do dress up nicely,nice underwear and get haircuts regularly,wear make up etc. Sometimes I go to the bar where he works dressed up to the nines just so that he gets to see me really done up occasionally as we never go anywhere. And I'm 31, he is 47.

luluu · Dec 12, 2011, 05:05 AM

Ok,am I being way too jealous and controlling here?. need some objective opinions guys...

So my BF works in a bar and they have just decked it all out with Xmas decorations. Par for the course, there's mistletoe hanging over the bar... can you see where I'm going with this yet?. I don't like the idea of my BF lip locking with other women. On the cheek is fine of course but he says I'm a control freak, a kiss on the lips is no big deal as long as it isn't a snog (i.e, with tongues) its Xmas and I should lighten up, it doesn't mean anything!

Is he right? He's not a hypocrite by the way, he never gets jealous and wouldn't be bothered in the slightest if I kissed a male friend or even stranger.

DaniCalifornia · Dec 12, 2011, 10:52 AM

Are you sure the mistletoe isn't for other people to kiss each OTHER at the bar? Or are you certain he put it up so HE can kiss people?

I can honestly say that I'd be jealous if the latter were the situation.

X Dani

talaniman · Dec 12, 2011, 05:00 PM

I think you relax, and get into the spirit.

luluu · Dec 13, 2011, 12:54 PM

I don't believe he would put it up deliberately so he could kiss people, he would have put it up for everybody but as it is up, he will kiss and women who drink there give him a lot of attention and will def be asking for a xmas kiss under the mistletoe.. im going to just try not to think anout it.
I'm just getting upset about silly things because I don't spend enough time with him!. It'd be nice if he'd invited me to the work xmas party though instead of keeping it secret!! He hasn't mentioned it and its in a couple days,he thinks I don't know-its a shame because I work solo and so don't have colleagues,any kind of do or secret santa... maybe I need to change my career instead of worrying about his!

talaniman · Dec 13, 2011, 01:00 PM

Why not just tell him you know, and will be there?

Homegirl 50 · Dec 13, 2011, 03:41 PM

I think you have spent 8 years with a man who is taking you for granted. He is married to his job and living with you.
You have to decide to either put up with it or leave. Especially if he sees nothing wrong with his behavior and everything wrong with yours.
Get a life apart from him. Enjoy yourself and don't worry about him.

luluu · Jan 9, 2012, 06:35 AM

I have issues with being insecure and I admit this, it causes some problems in my relationship but I do usually take the blame for it (after a row usually) and am working on this.

The problem is that I feel now that my boyfriend is using this as a way of saying and doing whatever he pleases and responding to any opinion or feeling of mine that he doesn't like with "oh there you go again being insecure, you have issues".

I'll give an example, during a conversation about dreams the other day I told him that I had a nice dream about him (nudge wink), instead of the sexy chat I'd expected he ended up saying that if he told me he dreamed of other women and who, I couldn't handle it because I'm "so insecure".

Well I must admit this is true, which is why I simply don't ask! I appreciate that it is normal and healthy to have sex dreams and fantasies about people other than your partner I just don't want to know the details. I'd feel incredibly uncomfortable (and yes,insecure) about him spending time with any friend or colleague that he'd mentioned dreaming or fantasising about. I didn't give him any grief over it, or question him, as I said, I don't want to know. But he couldn't believe I'd have a problem with it, and said I have issues, and need to sort my insecurity out, as its extreme, and affecting us. I thought on this particular topic I was being mature and avoiding an inevitable row, and giving him his privacy and that most women would feel the same on this issue.

Now I feel that I am not normal... please help!

talaniman · Jan 9, 2012, 11:40 AM

Have you ever considered you are insecure because of the way your partner treats you? Maybe he feeds that insecurity by being a boob, instead of a supportive, understanding partner, who knows how to reassure you in positive ways.

luluu · Jan 11, 2012, 06:23 AM

It has occurred to me. I think I have spent so long getting this response that I assume it's the truth when sometimes it is him that is the problem. He won't even tell me he loves me anymore because when he didn't say it back one time(and I don't say it often as I know this irritates him and yes,makes me look insecure)i asked him,with a smile,to tell me he loved me too. He refused. He said he shouldn't HAVE to say it back,it should be his choice and I'm obviously only saying it to him because I want to hear it myself and am looking for reassurance as usual, not because I want to express my love for him. Is he making sense or being a jerk? Add to this what I have already mentioned in previous posts that because of his shifts,he sleeps in the daytime and rarely goes anywhere with me,sleeps on sofa etc... I love him but am beginning to feel like he is with me out of habit or comfort. I believe he loves me but feel like we have no fun! The only time we go out is when his young daughter comes to stay alternate weekends and then we do stuff with her. But as a couple... we haven't gone out since october:(