[Ivaaa]

Hello everyone,

I'm going through a strange break up, that I can't find the reason for (or have dilemmas anyway), and I would really use a word from someone who went through a similar thing...
My (now ex) boyfriend (with whom I've spent wonderful almost 2 years) has started to go through a really though faze of his life, founding out that his mother's cancer has returned after 5 years. He started neglecting that information from the very beginning and running away from it, he even took a job that got him in Africa for seven months. I though it was strange to go away from home in such a moment (plus everything it meant for us), but I supported him. I have to add that I lost my father 6 years ago, and that until that moment I was living quite a fairy-tale life (big loving family, no material problems etc), which we both share in a way, though I was a lot younger when I had to face the rough side of life, but that is the reason why I understood him behaving so irrational at excepting his mother's illness.
Until he left, we had a really amazing relationship, full of love and passion, and plans for the future... After first three months there, he broke up with me in a very confusing way, we were spending beautiful days together, but he made the decision and he was sticking to it as long as we speak about that... We decided to ease on communication until he finishes that job there, so there were 3 months of very little communication.. (I have to add that we were in a long distance relationship also before Africa, with finally plans to work and live together for two years as soon as he gets back).
After he got back, he was so sure that I moved on and found somebody else, and so surprised that I love him still so much. First he was playing hard to get and cold with me, but than acted really irrational telling how I'm the best thing that ever happened to him and how he can't lose me forever, but he can't be with me NOW. They got him off our mutual project, and he decided once again to go back to Africa. There he had another very bad thing happening, so now he's back again in his house (close to his mother) and he told me that he has to go somewhere to clear his head and face the things.
Last time when I saw him, I saw on his table some pills against hair loss, which really got me worried even more. (He never had those kind of problems)
However, he refuses to speak with me, we are not together anymore, and I don't know what to do...
I may say that I didn't call him or beg him or text him so much, or whatever, I really gave him space, but trying to remind him from time to time that I still love him and care for him. I was doing my best not to be needy and to show him that I'm there to listen.

Now I can't tell the difference anymore between the breakup or just pushing people away because of everything going on? Life has played us, with all of that happening in a moment in which I couldn't physically be there for him... I don't want to lose him forever. However, I've been there myself, and I know how a person can feel when going through something like that for the first time (especially after all life spent in a most wonderful way, he never lost anyone before or coped with being poor or any bigger problem whatsoever).

Please help anyone, I also don't want to kid myself anymore and to wait forever for him to talk to me normally... I'm just not sure how much all of this has with our relationship...

Thanks in advance,

I.

[talaniman]

Sorry, but when someone is distant, busy, and unavailable, and needs to clear their head, leave them alone to do so.

[geminichick]

Hi Ivaa;

I can't really personally speak for your ex-boyfriend. I would honestly give him his space. He may not even know what he wants at this moment in time because of the stress of his mother's illness. He has a lot to deal with and it is hard to communicate with him since he isn't speaking to you. It must be very emotionally numbing for you and painful but you can't loose your sanity over this either.

Yes, you are right that it is hard to go through the sickness of a family member but you do have to remember that everyone is different and not everyone reacts the same way. Each individual handles death and a palliative relative differently. I know this because my mother works in the healthcare system caring for palliative patients. Not only does she look after the patient but also provides emotional support for their families.

Keep busy and look after you. Take care!

[amicon]

He refuses to speak with you;whatever he is going through,he is going through on his own,by his own choice.

Leave him to it.

Start living your own life,start healing and moving on.

[Ivaaa]

Thank you all for replying..

I agree with everything, and I am letting him alone to deal with it (I do know him the best, and I know he needs a lot of space now). Though, there is one other thing that keeps concerning me, and that is his insecurity, that he didn't show so much while we were together (I can now find signs of it, but it was never too serious). He used to be afraid of me leaving him for no reason, but that happened only two times, and I didn't find it to be such a big problem. He was mentioning from time to time (I'm an artist, he's not) how I will find my artist that will give me what he can't give me and stuff like that.. It was always a nonsense, and I was always making sure he has no reason to feel like that... Plus, it was usually said in terms of a joke. I have to say that he is very attractive, smart, funny, nice... Which is one of the reasons I took him to be just shy and not too insecure in some unhealthy self-hurting way. I honestly can't find reasons of such insecurity. Coming from nice and stable family, girls are always noticing him, has a lot of friends...

The evening before he left to Africa, out of all the things that concerned me (such a distance, new world for him that I'm not a part of etc), the only thing in his mind was me finding another guy. NOT one of us meeting somebody else, but ME. And he didn't even know what is emotional intelligence, when I tried to explain why something like this won't happen.

The insecurity in a sick way he started showing just after he left there. And this thing that he was so ready to hear from me that I moved on, and avoiding to talk about us, avoiding to make a decision about it... We met to break up, in a way, yet he was constantly organizing romantic situations (that really got me pissed of)...

It's been almost 8 months since the first thing went wrong. And during that time, I contacted him from time to time to make sure how his mom is (he never gave a straight answer and was always changing the subject quickly) and to make sure how he is. I didn't put US in the center, as I understood that we can't be in the center in the moment. I did tell him when we met how I feel about him and how much (it surprised me that I was saying this much for the FIRST time, though I was showing it, I never had a problem with him in hiding emotions or whatever), and he was just too shocked by me telling this.
I told him that he has to understand that it is him problem that he never believed me in how much I love him, and he just silently agreed, but left on behaving like he doesn't deserve anything good and things like that. That amount of insecurity was new to me.

Every time I called him, he was really happy to hear from me, very gentle, and a lot of times we were speaking so open and close as if no break up ever happened (you can always sense that difference). Yet, he never calls back. And he's constantly invisible on skype, gmail etc... Last week, he started showing up there for the whole day (and he's not a person who likes chatting, it was only with me as we had a LDR), but I didn't contact him. I figured that I'm too hurt and that I can't speak with him honestly, without mixing my emotions into it, so it's better to let him update me if he wants. (Before I always asked him about things whenever he appeared online)
He stayed like that for a few days.

I know that in terms of a break up, I should move on and stay no contact and stuff. But in terms of his recent behavior - I have dilemmas. He also doesn't have such a close friend to talk to, and he was always complaining about that. He has a lot of friends from childhood, but since he's working a lot abroad, he missed the connection with them in this sense. He is also in a faze of really hating himself. When we saw each other, at one point I told him that he did all of this to himself (losing me, and the job, and running away), and he was just pulling his hear and faced me with tears in his eyes and said 'Do you think I don't know that?! ' It was very painful.

I just can't tell the difference anymore between the faze in his life not concerning me, and which part does concern me, since it all happened in really strange moments.

Sorry for a long letter, I'm just really too confused, and I don't want to be another person that let him down and to prove his insecure thinking how he doesn't deserve anything good. I really hope this is just a faze in his life and that he won't turn all pathological about it.

[talaniman]

I hear your concern, and acceptance usually does bring confusion, but that's what you adjust to as this is a life changing event, where you must heal, and rebuild eventually.

He has to have that same chance also. We all go through this and life requires us to accept, and make changes.

It does take time, and plenty of it.

[Ivaaa]

Thank you all.

I don't have such a big problem in living my own life, I never had. Actually, I was always a bit too much independent, though he was the first person to get me so involved and dedicated.

I have my friends, and work (which is very interesting and I adore it), I don't have self esteem problems (I do feel attractive enough and I don't think that I will never be happy again or things like that). The thing is that, I don't want to lose HIM. Or if I do, I want it at least to be for the real reasons - meaning, to feel that he really doesn't love me anymore, or I don't love him, or a third person or anything. This way I just feel like giving up on one whole life.

On one side, I'm hurting too much for the break up, on the other one, he is hurting on everything else and probably this also. I am moving on in every way, except dating other people, which I don't feel I'm ready for anyway and I don't have problems in designing my own time, never did.

I just don't want to lose him and never to find out that we were both miserable without each other. He is a bit of a suffering-in-silence kind of guy. And that scares me. Especially since we're not living in the same country.

We had this thing together, that every other persons (past and future) we MEET, but that each other we've FOUND, and I still feel that. Though I don't believe in things happening without your own action on them.
I hate to see him pushing me away just because right now he feels bad about himself. I also don't want to get stuck with some false hope myself.