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Confusedgenie · Nov 28, 2011, 08:13 PM

I dated this guy for 3.5 yrs and it's long distance. We had good times and of course bad times. He always tells me he leads in our relationship and always gets upset of I speak my mind of tell him my feelings. He would talk down to me and use the f word and be a total arse. He knows this but apologies and repeats the behavior. When we have problems, he doesn't hesitate to want to break up and it happened a few times.

I suspect he's engaged or have someone in his home country because he never brought or invited me to his home. I found out about a gal photo in his wallet 3 yrs ago and he lied about her being a friend. I later found out it was his ex. In the last 3.5 yrs together, I had on a few occasions found out things all related to that same gal. My gut instinct tells me she is the gal in his life although he denies it. And blows his top at me every time I raise it.

Last straw was 2 weeks ago when I found her responding to a post in his brother's FB pic on a dog they supposedly bought while we already started dating. He claimed she suggested he buy the dog because his old dog died then. He never told me this 3 yrs ago. It became a problem between us and ended up he was the one who got upset with me. Seriously?

He told me he is done with us for good and told me to f off. He wants to be alone and move on. I love him and didn't let go. For the last 12 days I have been texting and msging and emailing and calling him. We are in different continents so it's difficult when he didn't want to talk. He kept telling me to stop calling etc.

We finally spoke two nights ago and while he said he is willing to reconsider us, he needs time to think about us and be alone at this Moment. Could take months.

I know I should move on but I love him and I can't let go. What should I do?

Starting yesterday I'm trying to start the no contact rule. Is this correct? I still want him back. But I know inshd leave him alone else I become needy and desperate and it's a turn off for him right?

Any advice? Thanks so much.

geminichick · Nov 28, 2011, 08:59 PM

Hi confusedgenie!

This guy sounded controlling. Verbally abusive at times. I say this because:
#1. He lead the relationship
#2. He didn't like it if you spoke your mind.
#3. Gets upset when you told him how you felt.
#4. Talked down to you.
#5. And the typical profile of the abusive male is he apologizes and doesn't change his behavior. He repeats his abusive ways or it escalates to another form of domestic violence.

So, this is one reason not to be with the guy. Also your intuition tells you he is or was engaged. Another good reason not to be with him. Right? He never invited you to his home. Sounds suspicious to me.

ConfusedGenie I really like the "no contact rule". Especially with someone like this. Why would you like to have this guy in your life after the way he treated you. His behavior can get worse if you got back together with him. Don't you think you deserve better? It's always hard when a relationship ends. It takes time to get over the loss of the relationship. Heal from the pain so to speak. Believe me when I tell you that there is someone out there for you. You don't deserve second best. You deserve the best!!
Take care!

Confusedgenie · Nov 28, 2011, 10:53 PM

Geminichick:
Thanks for advice. Funny you used verbally abusive to describe him because I had on occasions tried to justify his Behavior with that term. He called me stupid, used the f word though I told him not to, and he deliberately says things that he knows would hurt me. Then he told me not to cry and he doesn't care how I feel. He cld be pissed off because I reacted normally to his words.

He always says I'm not strong but if I compare myself with many women(no offense to anybody) - I think I'm strong to hv lasted in this relationship, long distance for so long.

I'm trying hard to do this no contact rule but am so afraid I may yield to texting him. I am a committed partner. Once I love, I love. If you know I meant. So I don't know how else to walk out of this. I feel I should because he doesn't love me back the way I want to be loved and he doesn't assure me that I am the only gal in his life.

I suspected he is engaged because I stumbled his fb profile that has that relationship status updated as engaged. I confronted him and he said someone fabricated the acct. When I raised it 6 months later, I was reprimanded for not trusting him and he went mad at me. But later he came to apologize and promised never to quit on us. But few times after that he still give us up whenever he is mad.

I am hurting inside me. I love him. But I'm confused by his actions.

:-(

geminichick · Nov 28, 2011, 11:10 PM

I use that term because I was involved in an abusive relationship. It's not unnatural to still love him. I know exactly what you mean. It's hard to let go. After everything happened with my ex-b/f and some of the things I endured by him I still was in love with him. It took me along time to let go. I had to realize and say to myself.. "Do I want to continue to go through the hell he put me through or do I want better. Believe me it is hard. I'm still single. But I'm waiting for the right guy to come around. I know this is not what you really want to hear. When you feel like you want to text him.. maybe call up a trusted friend and talk about how you feel. Having a support system is very helpful. You sound like a very strong woman. Don't allow yourself to be victimized anymore. Be a survivor!

talaniman · Nov 29, 2011, 02:56 PM

Had enough of this CRAP yet? I don't know how you got yourself in this unhealthy relationship, but you better use NC to get yourself out (Oh that's right, you are out, he dumped you!), and stay out forever.

NC is for you to be able to make better decisions for yourself based on facts, and not just feelings, not to try and get this sick boob back. You should be glad he is out of your life, now you can actually get a happy one.

Do NC and get your dignity, and self respect back by letting go your needy, desperate love of this idiot, abusing, using, lying, cheating jerk, and start loving yourself so you can have a healthy relationship.

NC will help you heal, move on, and do better.

Confusedgenie · Nov 29, 2011, 04:24 PM

Geminichick:
Thanks for sharing. I'm so happy you got over your period and doing wonderfully now.

I hope this NC works and eventually I walk myself out of it.

Day 2 of NC! Each time I want to sentimentalize our moments or him, I tell myself to STOP. And think of the ways he hurt me before. Kind of help.

Confusedgenie · Nov 29, 2011, 04:27 PM

Talaniman-
You were right. He made the first step to help me get out of him, I shd carry on and let NC heal me, help me move on... importantly keep my dignity.

He once said I hv no dignity and I beg. It's not untrue. I shd definitely keep my dignity and self respect and move on.

Hopefully I will walk through it, surfacing happy and stronger than before.

Thanks for your words.

vanheart · Nov 29, 2011, 11:36 PM

Good for you. Keep it up. NC all the way.

"He told me he is done with us for good and told me to f off"

Keep that in your head during weak times. Reminds you of his character. Among other things.
Better yet, forget him.

Be glad you are rid of this garbage. Ewww.. Disgusting.

You are way better. You just made a big mistake, we all do.

There's cool guys out there. Not that you need them.

Confusedgenie · Nov 30, 2011, 04:25 PM

Day 3 NC. I'm afraid I might eventually cave in at the end.

So far I've read really encouraging messages that further ascertained that I shd move on and ought to hv done so long time ago. Thank u all.

Vanheart:
Thanks. I hope NC heals my heart and the hurt I feel. How long does this usually take anyway?

talaniman · Nov 30, 2011, 05:06 PM

That depends how long it takes you to be happy with yourself, and your life. Months, or years.

HINT; The more fun options you have, the faster time will move you forward.

Ask me how I know?

Confusedgenie · Nov 30, 2011, 05:16 PM

Talaniman:
How do you know?

mmresd · Nov 30, 2011, 05:23 PM

You need to go no contact and start healing from this relationship. This guy doesn't want to be with you and is only giving you false hope so that you will stop harassing him. Keep yourself busy and stop contacting him NOW!

talaniman · Nov 30, 2011, 06:00 PM

Originally Posted by Confusedgenie

Talaniman:
How do you know?

Been dumped a bunch of times, it still sucked every time. Crying didn't help, :( sulking didn't help, :mad: :o sitting on the pity pot didn't help.:eek: You know what always helps? Going back to doing my thing and having fun, :D and getting ready for the next adventure. It always comes. :)

Confusedgenie · Nov 30, 2011, 07:21 PM

Talaniman:
Thanks for sharing. You sounded like a very positive and strong person and I admire you for that. I hope to be like you.

I never loved anyone like I did him and never been hurt so bad before. I had been strong in our relationship and I wish to be stronger now on my own and out of this relationship.

Mmresd:
You were right. He's stringing me along just so I stop harassing him. Didn't realize that till you mentioned it. How true!
Well I have not contacted him for three days now. Hope this lasts!! I hv definitely stopped crying over him and stop myself each time I think about us and what would hv been if not the break up etc etc.

vanheart · Dec 1, 2011, 02:27 PM

Just stay strong with NC. Zero contact whatsoever. Forever.

"I never loved anyone like I did him and never been hurt so bad before"

That's an important statement. We all want want solid, meaningful relationships.
But that doesn't always happen. I also give my all, but have given it to the wrong person, quite a few times.

Im still learning. And been dumped.

Use this as a lesson to use your radar, and learn from this experience. You will certainly emerge a better & stronger person.
More aware.

At the end of the day, we want to be happy & feel good about what we are doing.

The sooner you completely remove him, the sooner you can concentrate on what's really important.
You.

I know you can do it.

pahlp · Dec 1, 2011, 10:54 PM

Your not putting yourself in a good light. If he does want to get back with you his break the ice question is going to be "So what have you been up to?" Please have a better answer than "thinking, texting, calling, emailing you" its really unattractive. Go out and do something you'll be proud of. The sooner you do that the less interested you will be in contacting him.