[catdancer]

Ok, this is an odd situation but here it goes -- I met my now boyfriend over the phone through my friend who was also his ex and the mother of his children. She and I lived together with my ex who is now with her. Confused? Lol... Anyway, after 3 weeks of talking on the phone at almost a constant rate which we never seemed to run out of something to say, he moved back out to my state, is originally from here. He had moved out to where he was with his mother who eventually died of cancer last year, and he also broke up with a g/f of 5 years at the same time.

Now he moves to be with me, move into my house into my bedroom -- yes in the same house where his ex, my ex, and his kids live... LOL... but everything is OK... we all get along great! After being here for a while, I am wondering why we only kiss, cuddle, and snuggle, and there is no intimate touching, fondling, and sex yet (we also did some phone sex those 3 weeks). We are both obviously attracted to each other, sleep together, but there is no sex!

Then one day we wake up, and he initiates and went down on me... to my satisfaction... then he tells me to get on all fours and he entered me, and it was over in a few minutes... and that was the only time we had sex.

We had two other sessions where I gave him head, and he also went down on me, but no sex, so in the weeks and months to follow, I tried to initiate many times. He always moved my hand away and would say "too soon" or "not yet."

I was boggled. We had a few minor fights that included this and some heart-to-heart talks. He tried to reassure me it wasn't me; it was him, that he is very attracted and turned on by me, but he hasn't felt like sex in months and his head is all "cloudy." He was in love with his ex, but then they broke up, but she still wanted him to be single just in case she wanted to get back with him.

Now some background: He did a lot of drugs growing up and started drinking at 7, and his mother encouraged it by offering him beer so he would do household chores. He has also been with A LOT of women but is clean.

He also told me when we got our own place, things would change. We have, and they didn't. Then he said, when he gets a job and feels like a man again... that happened in September and still no intimate bonding. I've tried lingerie, aggressiveness (which I know he likes, but it doesn't work), flirting, teasing, playing -- to no avail.

We have now been together 7 months, and I am beginning to wonder if it will ever happen. I do love him, and I know he loves me, but maybe not enough to want to really bond with me. I myself haven't been with very many men and was celibate for 14 yrs because of an abusive boyfriend and am ready for a wonderful, well-rounded relationship.

I am hoping someone can help me at least to understand this problem. I have a depressive disorder and when I think on this, I spiral down and blame myself.

[Aurora_Bell]

Hey Catdancer. I have a few questions. Was he very close with his mother? The death of a loved one can put someone in a depressed state. As you would know suffering from depression yourself, it can wreak havoc on one’s sex drive. Depression can stay with a person a long time. Also with the break-up of the 5 year relationship at the same time of his mother’s death, it could be adding up. Now I realize 7 months have passed. So my next question is how does he feel about his ex asking him to stay single in case "she wants him back"? That is a totally unfair request, and I am wondering if this is something your boyfriend is/was considering. Have you talked about the break-up with him? How does he feel? Was it a mutual break-up?

Could it be that it really is too soon? Maybe he does want to take things slowly. After a painful break-up sometimes men and women do things to protect themselves from being hurt again. Does he have any issues with getting it up? He may have some sexual hang-ups, like worrying about losing his erection or knowing that he might not last long enough. The only way you are truly going to know is by asking HIM about it. If he isn’t able to open up honestly about what the issue is, your relationship will weaken under the stress. What kind of setting are you guys in when you ask him about these things?

[catdancer]

HI yes he was extremely cose to his mother, her favorite and he took it very hard.. luckily his ex g/fs were there to be with him. I know he is depressed but he is the type of person to not seek help and doesn't want to take pills for it as he doesn't believe in chemical help.
We've talked a lot about his mother, his ex g/f and break up... they had an apt and she was only there for two weeks and then moved out and went to live with her mother... he won't talk about why they broke up.. only that "she was abeing a *****" is the answer I get. He thought it was BS to have her say that she wanted him to stay single just in case.. but he didn't date or sleep with anyone until he met me... when he left she saw him off at the bus station and was crying and begging him to stay and he told her that "she did this" and to not call, text or get in contact with him in anyway.

It could be too soon.. since we actually started sleeping together {meaning really sleeping} and only knew each other just from phone calls. He told me he wanted to "try something different" and talked about wanting to get to know a person better... maybe because he has been with so many women in his life but they never met much to him.. the only one he truly loved was his 1st wife that he married at a very young age, she proposed to him in front of her parents! Lol.

Personally I think he might have issues with getting it up.. but he has such an ego he would never admit it.. and I've asked him straight out.. and he said no.. but I think he is lying to save his dignity. And I am wondering if this last g/f might have said something in the heat of an argument that he wasn't satisfying her because he said something about this a long time ago. {he was a little drunk}
But also he does drink beer a lot.. but you can't tell him that alcohol has an effect on libido.. I've tried that way..
I've already told him that the relationship is weak and his mental hangups are coming between us... the lost of his mother and g/f.. He recently told me that the "fog is gone" in his head and that the others were weak and too tired.. and that because I have given him time and been patient that I will see the real him now..? I don't know..
Oh we've had a lot of "fights" about this... I feel like I'm not attractive enough, and wonder why all these other girls had gotten.. the "best of him" and I get the leftovers..
We normally talk in private either in our bedroom or just hanging out when his brother is at work... and I have gave him an ultimatum... that if things don't change between us in the bedroom and outside that at the end of the lease I will leave and go my separate way... I love him but I won't waste more than a year with someone when I don't feel bonded with them.. and to me making love is a way of becoming bonded to a person {if you love them that is} and brings you so much closer. He doesn't want me to go anywhere but knows I mean what I say... I've wasted 6 years on a person in the past only to get cheated on, put down, hurt.. etc.. and I won't go through that again..

[catdancer]

Oh by the way I forgot to mention, in all this time.. he has never made a move to even satisfy me even if he didn't want sex.. I have to take care of business myself and he doesn't seem to care... I have even offered to just do that go down on him and he could do the same for me.. but it was like talking to a wall. :(

[Aurora_Bell]

I know he is depressed but he is the type of person to not seek help and doesn't want to take pills for it as he doesn't believe in chemical help.

If he isn't willing to help himself, there is no way you are going to be able to do it for him. He needs to realize there is a problem and help himself.

he won't talk about why they broke up.. only that "she was abeing a *****" is the answer I get

Have you ever told him you want him to elaborate on this? Tell him you feel this isn't a valid answer, and it might help you and him to come to a better understanding of why he isn't willing to have sex, or any other sexual activities with you or at least open up to you with what the problems might be.

It could be too soon.. since we actually started sleeping together {meaning really sleeping} and only knew each other just from phone calls.

I can't say I blame him here. If I were to automatically start sleeping with someone and not have the emotional bond before the physical one, I wold lose interest, or feel that's all there was to the relationship.

the only one he truly loved was his 1st wife that he married at a very young age

What happened to this marriage?

Personally I think he might have issues with getting it up.. but he has such an ego he would never admit it.. and I've asked him straight out.. and he said no.. but I think he is lying to save his dignity.

Again if he won't face his problem it's a moot point. You can't force him to open up, but willing to talk about it OUTSIDE of the bedroom might help him to relax, and not feel trapped or forced into talking about something that obviously weighs very heavy on his ego.

I feel like I'm not attractive enough, and wonder why all these other girls had gotten.. the "best of him" and I get the leftovers..

If it is a libido problem, then it certainly is NOT your fault. If you were attractive enough for him to move down, then surly you still are now. A lot of women feel this way, some men don't realize that the loss of a man's libido doesn't only effect them.

We normally talk in private either in our bedroom

Try not to have these talks while laying in bed. This puts a lot of added pressure on the person, and can make them clam up quite quickly.

I have gave him an ultimatum...

Make sure you stick through to this, other wise it's like yelling in the wind. Make the ultimatum, if you don't get the help you need, I can't see there being a future for us.

I can only imagine how frustrating this would be for you. You can dress in any sexy outfit and be a total vixen in the sack, but if his mental problems is the reason for the road block you guys won't get very far. It really needs to be about communication, and he needs to realize that with out it, you guys will surly crumble.

[catdancer]

Well we finally had a big heart to heart talk last night... and at first he was a bit defensive.. and I told him how he was making me feel. I told him that I was hoping for a full relationship and that's not what was happening.. and intimacy has to be part of a relationship for it to last and we didn't have that.
And that I felt like I was single most of the time, since I do most everything outside the home by myself {he would rather sit home, drink and watch tv} and that when I get home I feel like I am going home to a couple of roommates.

Before he could say that is was BS, I gave him and example... Family, close friends and lovers/SO/partners.. there is only one real difference between the three... all of them you kiss and/or hug, share a closeness, possibly sleep together due to circumstances {like a family/friend that stays over but shares a bed because there is no other sleeping area, which I have done in the past.. no funny stuff.. } and that the one thing that makes it different is sex... that's a closeness that is only shared by lovers... and that we didn't have that.
I also asked him about his former g/f and he said that she chased him for about 6 yrs.. and that she didn't give up and was persistent but that when they were finally together he made her sleep on the couch most of the time and rarely let her sleep with him. He said that he wantd to see if she wanted a real relationship with him just want to ***** him... and that statement really hit home.
I said to him.. "are you saying that you consciously refused sex with her to see if she was "worthy" of being with you?? and then I said..." you maybe good looking, personable, funny but you are not all that... " to make a person wait to see if they are worthy is wrong..and then said "am I worthy of you?" lots of sarcasm there and he said "very worthy" but that he didn't feel like having sex he doesn't even think about it at all it never comes to mind...
I could be standing in front of him naked and sex would not cross his mind.
I told him well she had more time to wait since she was only in her 20's but I don't I am almost 50 and I have wasted most of my 40's my prime years, secluded away after a very painful relationship {I was celebate for 14 yrs} and the last small "relationships" weren't fulfilling..and I don't have time to wait around and see if I am worthy of having sex with you...you are NOT all that.
I also told him tearfully that I find him very attractive and that I am extremely attracted to him and want to be closer to him...and that I watch him alot when he isn't looking like when he's talking to someone else..and he asked why do I talk funny..and I said no, I like to look at you...and he thought that was nice..
and I told him I watch him someotimes when he sleeps..just because I am so into him...

I also todl him that last week when a friend was over and she pulled me aside to discuss something about her b/f she made a comment {you know how it is when you are in bed with your man and you make love...yada yada" well that statement hit me like a ton of bricks... and all I thought of was "No I don't know what that is like.." and probably would never know.
And I have pics of us cuddling and snuggling we took last Friday and I told him that I really enjoyed that night because of the closeness I felt to him then.. that maybe something "magickal" would happen but it didn't... and at least I have photos and memories because it probably wouldn't happen again. :(

So I tried a real heart to heart... no accusing/yelling or anger.. just deep feelings.. on my side... because he reinstated that he has no need to share a lot of his past and he prefers it that way... so I am being kept more than arms length away... and I said well you have 8 months... maybe Crystal could hold off years but I won't.. its not fair to me.

By the way to answer your question- his marriage ended in divorce in his 20's he cheated on her with her sister.. she cheated on him... and that's the way its been through most of his relationships.. he's cheated on most of them, because he feels they are going to leave anyway.