[contemplating92]

Hi, I've been at university for about 2 months now, on October 16th I was sexually assaulted by a mate who did physiotherapy, he had given all my mates massages before, so I trusted him, because I was trying to be more trusting about people, especially men, but he then sexually assaulted me during the massage, it wasn't just like a boob grab, he actually penetrated me with his fingers, he pinned me down with his free arm and I was crying and begging him to stop but he carried on, I finally got him off and our mate came back round, as he had left to let my other mate massage me, as I'm really self conscience about my body, and we watched a film, until the physiotherapy mate fell asleep and I wrote what had happened on my phone and showed my other mate, we left and he stayed up with me the whole night, my boyfriend at the time finally got back after visiting his mums house and persuaded me into letting him call the police, I let him, they came took my phone and other stuff and left the next day a different police woman came with a police man, they said basically that it was my fault for letting him massage me and that I was naïve and that I implied I wanted to, I was crying whilst telling them what had happened and she was like okay we need to cut the tears and decide what to do, whether to take this to court, which will take months and won't lead to anything probably, because it won't stand up in court or we can leave it and you can take this as a learning experience to not be so naïve in future, as soon as they'd left I cried so much, I just wanted to kill myself and now it's today, I had to see a counsellor, I saw her once she didn't blame me, but I had been off for 2 weeks off university, and then finally went back in to classes, but Wednesday 2nd last week, I just couldn't go in, I hadn't slept, as I'm having continuous nightmares, I can't help it, if I go to sleep at a normal time, where I'm tired but not enough to pass out, then I will have really bad nightmares and wake up sweating, so I'll stay awake for hours until I fall asleep from exhaustion, I got really depressed yesterday and ended up cutting my arm in two little cuts, they're not deep, but I've cut before, I'd never cut myself, but I don't trust anyone anymore, I'm not going out without someone to walk me, which is a problem, because my mates are on different courses and I don't like asking for favours off people and I haven't told my family, because if you look at my other question, I'm not too close to my family XD understatement, but yeah, what do I do, I don't know what to do, because I'm just so upset and I'm missing loads of university.

[Chocodrip07]

First of all I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. Please stop harming yourself. I was eight years old when I was almost raped by a car driver. He told me that it won't hurt and that it will tickle but just before he was about to penetrate into my vagina I couldn't bear the pain and I ran away. A few days after that I came home crying and told my nanny that he pinched my breasts and we were about to call the police but he ran away.

It was not until years later when I read the book called "The sins of my father" I knew that I had escaped from rape. I live in India where sex is rarely spoken about so I'v taken it as my responsibility to educate young people about 'good touch' and 'bad touch'. I recently had the courage to tell my mother and she broke down and begged for my forgiveness for going to work and leaving me behind. But it's not her fault. My marriage was a love marriage(not arranged) and I was a virgin on my wedding night and I was so terrfied of letting a man touch me again but my husband who knew about this was so tender.

Don't let other people push you down, continue seeing the counsellor and it may sound clichéd but no matter what you can share your troubles with Jesus. Give it some time and try to concentrate on your studies and your future will be bright. As for me I'm glad that I'm now educating children as I don't want any child to go through what I had gone through and not knowing it was wrong. I'll surely pray for you. And I;m sure that in time your wounds will heal but the scars will always remain and it is up to us to take those scars and turn into an armour so that we will not go through this again. Please don't harm yourself and try not to think about the incident. I know it's hard but be strong. God Bless and do keep in touch.

P.S Please forgive me if my English has mistakes as it is not my mother tongue.

[JudyKayTee]

Dont let other people push you down, continue seeing the counsellor and it may sound cliched but no matter what you can share your troubles with Jesus. Give it some time and try to concentrate on your studies and your future will be bright. As for me i'm glad that i'm now educating children as i dont want any child to go through what i had gone through and not knowing it was wrong. I'll surely pray for you. And i;m sure that in time your wounds will heal but the scars will always remain and it is upto us to take those scars and turn into an armour so that we will not go through this again. Please dont harm yourself and try not to think about the incident. I know it's hard but be strong. God Bless and do keep in touch.

P.S Please forgive me if my English has mistakes as it is not my mother tongue.

Please keep in mind that not everyone is Christian - what is comforting to you may very well be insulting to someone else.

To Contemplating - you need to find some peace within yourself. That might involve another counsellor, seeing the same counsellor but more frequently, talking to a friend who understands. I realize that the pain of cutting yourself takes away the emotional pain of dealing with this situation but you very obviously know that it is not helping and, in fact, is harming you.

You need to find some support. The way the Police treated the incident is shameful - but I've heard it before.

I was the adult victim of rape. I sometimes have flashbacks. I think I'm "over" it and it comes rushing back. Healing from this assault/rape is much the same as healing from a physical injury - time helps, caring for yourself helps, addressing the situation helps.

I am not sure you aren't blaming yourself to some degree - I am now going to shout at you: IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. When you say no, no matter what else is going on, it's no. He violated you. He is/was the problem. It's not your fault. Keep saying that to yourself. You didn't ask for what happened. You didn't deserve what happened.

Now you need to find a way to heal yourself. Is there anything that helps you feel better, perhaps exercise or reading or something else?