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ggghhhwwwrrr · Nov 1, 2011, 12:14 PM

Hi I'm an 18-year-old college student. I sometimes I think I'm crazy. I wake up in the morning and just stare at the ceiling. I'm supposed to go to class and work out, do homework, take a bath. Do my hair, brush my teeth, but all I want to do is stare at the ceiling or out the window.

I'm young and am supposed to want to "conquer" the world. I sleep a lot during the day and, when its night... the time I should be sleeping, I can't seem to stop my thoughts. They just keep racing past. I think about school, what I want to do with my life, how I will be when I get older, with going to the circus, running away, committing suicide, being on E. I think about everything else but what I'm doing. I think if there is a possibility, I could create a remote that can pause, rewind, or fast forward into time.

I just want to be normal. I was never like this in high school. I made plenty of friends and was in the student government. I was a B student. But now, I'm on academic probation and can't see what the purpose of life is anymore. I don't see the point. I'm supposed to finish college, get a decent job, have a family, and take care of my parents. I'm fine with that. I want to do this with my life, but I just can't get a handle on it. It's like I'm trapped looking from the outside through a window, and am just a zombie doing that because I have to, but I'm not "living" life.

My adviser told me to see a therapist today. I did, I tried to be as honest as possible, but for some reason I painted a face on. I acted as if I was fine. I minimized my problem. She asked me questions about my family, how am I now, anxiety, eating problems, ADD, and so many other things. In my head I was saying yes to all, but actually said no, I'm fine, and just feel a little "not like myself."

My family: Where can I start? I'm the odd one out. For example, the question: Do you have a weird family member that you just don't understand and keep your distance from? Can you think of one? If you can't, then you're the weird family member... Well, in my family, I'm the weird family member. Ever since I was a child, I have always had problems in school. I was always put in summer school and placed in tutoring. I always promised my mom that I would do better. "I promise you, Mom, I will do better." But I just can't.

My mom has never given up on me, but it's so hard to do work. I can't focus at all. Like right now, I keep drawing a thought. I have been here typing for an hour up to this point and I'm pushing myself to finish because I want to get everything down in writing. My thoughts start and stop midstream. I forget what I want to say. If I wrote down everything that I was actually thinking, it wouldn't make sense (and I know that this is kind of all over the place but I'm "venting").

Question: How are people? Are they like this, or are they normal? Do people think like me, but act normal? Please answer this... Okay I'm tired of this. Someone please say anything at all. Maybe I'm a brat that just wants to be lazy and blaaaaaaah. But in my case, that's not it. If I could have one wish right now, I would wish that I was happy. That I could live again. That I could start over (with knowledge of my past life). I'm a mess, and I don't want to look back at my life when I'm 30 and say "what if?" Why am I like this? I'm frozen, I'm stuck, I'm rambling. I wish I could say this a lot louder.

Qs. Is there something wrong with me? What should I do? Am I having a mid-life crisis? There is more that I want to say but won't because this is already too long.

Bye. Thanks to whoever is reading this. Please be honest. I already feel like crap anyway. Disregard the self-loathing. And sorry about my writing and grammar. Was just kind of rambling.

Wondergirl · Nov 1, 2011, 12:36 PM

Actually, I see you as a future bestselling novelist. Your writing style is sort of stream-of-consciousness and also insightful. I can imagine some great characters arising from your life experience and personal angst. You've already written sort of a modern-day Catcher in the Rye.

Now, print out your post and show it to that counselor. I'm a counselor and sure could get some mileage out of it!

ggghhhwwwrrr · Nov 1, 2011, 02:42 PM

How do you feel today?

Jondy · Nov 1, 2011, 02:44 PM

I feel quite splendid actually. ^^

Wondergirl · Nov 1, 2011, 02:46 PM

We should be asking you this question.

ggghhhwwwrrr · Nov 1, 2011, 03:01 PM

Well as of right now, I am trying to do some homework but I can't seem to start. Thank you for answering my question. It's nice to know that a complete stanger will take the time to answer my question.

I have my ups and downs but what can I do but ride the wave.:)

Btw. Is there a way to directing talk to someone through this website.

tickle · Nov 1, 2011, 03:03 PM

No we don't have chat; what you see is what you get.

Tick

ggghhhwwwrrr · Nov 1, 2011, 03:40 PM

Thanks Tick.
That's nice to hear Jondy

Jondy · Nov 1, 2011, 04:02 PM

I think a lot like you do actually. But I'm considered odd by other people. But your writing style is really good. I've been feeling the same way for over a year. Life was beginning to seem like a hazy dream but recently I've decided what direction I want to go in. I think you'll find your way. You just need to find where your passion lies and follow it. It might take some time but things will work out.
I did the same thing when I went to see a therapist. I was suppose to tell her what was wrong but I sort of acted fine without really realizing it. But I suppose that's not healthy either.
While you are feeling the way you do you should let go of all the expectations that you have of yourself because it's a stress factor. Sounds to me like you have small case of Depersonalization or Derealization.
Stress and anxiety usually cause those.