[beth15290]

I was on my boyfriends computer and noticed in his history we were visiting interactive web cam sex sites. I asked him about it and he admitted it. We both look at porn and I don't have a problem with looking at porn, but this is interactive actually talking to another women. I told him it bothers me and he said OK we wouldn't go on there anymore. Then last night, I went to bed before him and I could see him in the living room(he didn't know I could) he was on his computer and I could tell he was typing a lot. I went out and asked him what he was doing and he said looking at porn. I said no you were talking to someone and I was really angry. He said he didn't appreciate being spied on and I said until I hear the truth we are not talking. He finally admitted he was on a webcam sex site. I am so hurt and feel so betrayed. We have a great sex life so I am completely upset especially since we have already talked about this. He said he thinks it's the same thing as porn, but then why not just go look at porn and not do the interactive thing. He actually had to buy a memebership to talk live.
I am so upset and confused about how to feel about this.

[Cat1864]

Let me preface this by saying that these are my opinions and while I am sharing them with you, you will need to make your own decisions. If you wish to show him what has been said here, go for it. If he sees that others do not find it harmless fun, perhaps he will be more open to listening to you.

While some people may not think it is cheating because there is no physical contact, it is interacting with another live human being which makes it cheating to me. It also puts in into a very different category from erotica and porn. It elevates it to dating sites and actively looking for another partner.

Another point is that he knows it is not good for the relationship or he would have mentioned it himself or been up front about it when you asked. If he had brought it up to you and brought you in on his fun and games, I wouldn't have a problem. However, he didn't. You do have issues with it and even explained why and he continued almost immediately after saying he would stop the interactive web cam sex.

He might call it spying but he was the one in a public area of the house. It would be snooping if you went into his history to check and see if he was keeping his promise, but you didn't.

Understand that I have nothing against porn or flirting, but he crossed a line. It is up to you on how you want to handle it. Do you want to try rebuilding the trust if he is willing to work with you? Would counseling be an option? Is it enough of an issue to have you packing your bags?

No matter what you decide, I know it will hard, but do not give into temptation to see what he has been up to by snooping. If you stay, you have to give him a chance to rebuild the trust. Checking up on him will only cause him to feel more defensive and will damage the trust even more. If you decide to leave (even if it is only temporary while you figure out what your next step is), then it isn't going to matter one way or the other. It will only add to your own confusion.

Do what is best for you. No matter what you decide there is will be someone here willing to listen if you need to vent or want more advice. You aren't alone even if it feels like it right now.

[ITgeek]

Although I agree with your anger you have have to look at it from his point of view. This is some random person that he will NEVER meet. And he is probably having her do all types of filthy things he would never ask you to do (b/c he loves & respects you too much). Would you rather he went to a strip club to satisfy his pleasures??

Even though you guys watch porn together his personal masturbation time is personal let him have his personal time or he will find someone who will. Although I've looked through history it's a bad idea to check up on adults because when you look for things you find something! So now you have to decide if you can deal with it. Is this a real deal breaker for you?? Do you think he would have lied if he didn't think you'd be upset? Why were you snooping to begin with? Is this a problem with him or a problem with yourself (are you not confident in your relationship)??

To resolve this you not only have to address his betrayal but yours as well. Sit down have a real conversation about both issues. Be understand and trying to be open minded about it all.