[Kim_x]

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half, since we left school last year. The sex has always been great for me and up until a few days ago I thought it was great for him too. We are quite young and have both just had one partner previous to each other so throughout our relationship we have been trying new things sexually for the first time. But that's what made it more exciting and special! We're both 19 so we are both always horny, and whenever my boyfriend tries anything I never turn him down and vice versa. That's why I thought he didn't need porn! I really hate porn. I completely understand that it is natural for men and even some women to want to watch it and masturbate. But I am completely happy with my boyfriend and I really thought he was happy too. I didn't think there was anything missing from our sex life and we still had lots to try together when we were both ready. But the other night at his house I was on his laptop and when I began to type in a website, it was suggesting a porn one from his history. So I went on and showed him the screen and confronted him. We argued about it because all through our relationship I had asked him about porn, and if he ever goes on and his reaction was always "no way, I'm not interested in that! I've been on before we were together but no I have no interest". And I now feel stupid for believing that! But anyway I asked for the complete truth why he goes on. To begin with he said because one of his friends told him he goes on with his girlfriend so he went on and thought about us going on together but was too embarrassed to say anything so he kept going on himself to improve in bed. Now personally I thought that was believable. And as we spoke and argued more about it, he told me that was a lie. He has changed his story so many times I don't know what to believe! The story he is sticking with now is that he used to go on a lot when he was younger, before he was with me, but I have no problem with that because he would have been 15/16 which is the prime age for boys to do that, I know that's completely normal! And then he said when me and him first started talking/texting etc. He stopped going on. And then we began our relationship last June and he said he never went on until the second time we argued. And he says the reason he goes on is for the scene.. For example sex scenes in an office, as I work in an office. So he tells me he watches scenes like that imagining it was us. I also asked if he likes lesbians. I have nothing against lesbians but it worries me because obviously I'm not a lesbian! So I'd hate the fact of him liking something I could never be! But he says he goes on them, for the reason that mostly what the do is going down and he says he just imagines him doing it to me. I've asked if he enjoys the girls, if it is for the variety, the fantasy, the better bodies than mine, but he says no. He says he only thinks about me when he's watching it, and thinks about us doing it in those places in the scenes. But to be perfectly honest I don't know if I am being a fool for believing that? He says he only goes on once or twice a month or when we haven't had sex for a while or what and that he doesn't need it and it'll stop. But I'm scared it happens again! And I mean his reasoning for going on still makes me angry and hurt because he lied but it's forgivable I think. But is his excuse believable? I feel like I'm blinded and can't tell what's true and what's lies. I think he is really embarrassed about the whole thing because he gets quite angry at it all. There is also the age thing? I mean we are the same age but I know teenage boys are really horny but at the same time we love each other. But I can't be with someone who gets turned on by other women. He says it's not the women but I'm so confused? Help?

[Cat1864]

I can understand how you would be upset about his lying about using porn. He should have been honest with you from the beginning and explained that it is something he probably won't stop. It has nothing to do with your relationship and how satisfying he finds it. It is more about what some people term as 'me' time.

'Me' time is good for both sexes. It is a time when a person thinks of their own needs instead of a partner's. For women especially, it is way to explore their own body and know what feels good and what doesn't. For both sexes, it is a way to explore the mental side of sex. What turns the person on in the way of fantasy or what they might want to try. Sometimes, it is a way to figure out what their huge turn-offs are before they come up with their partner.

He probably is telling you truth that he is thinking about you instead of the women in the videos/magazines/etc. when he masturbates. I use erotica but it is thoughts of my husband that truly turn me on. The erotica is a tool for helping tune out the everyday distractions focusing on one topic.

You may get him to stop using porn/erotica when he masturbates but you cannot make him stop masturbating or control what he is thinking about at any given time. Part of being in a relationship (especially a long term one) is understanding that our partners have minds and bodies of their own and we have no control over what they do with them. Trust that you have a good relationship whether he is looking at porn or not. Trust that he may have fantasies, but you are his reality. He isn't going out looking for someone else. You are what he wants in his life.

Many times we have fantasies about things we would never want in real life. Fantasy is way of letting reality go for a little bit like getting into a good movie or book. It is a change of pace.

Instead of getting upset about his fantasies, what if you listened to them and shared your own? What if you use them as a tool to get you both in the same mental place?

If you can't trust that he cares about you and is turned on by you, then you need to understand that you can't change him but you can change yourself. You can decide that porn is a 'deal breaker' for you and end the relationship. But a word of caution, you probably won't find a man who doesn't use some form of erotica when he masturbates even if it is his own thoughts. If a man tells you he doesn't look at porn and/or masturbate then he is probably telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

[Fr_Chuck]

He told you no ( lied) because he knew how you felt and you would not accept his watching it. He was just telling you what you wanted to hear, since it must have been clear to him that you were not open to discuss it.

I will agree, I doubt that you will find anyone that does not look or watch or look at some level of porn some.

It has nothing to do with you or about you and has nothing to do with how he feels aboutyou or thinks about you.

I think you are being unrealistic, and still has him lying about it, and I doubt if he will actually stay with you long if you demand him to stop watching it ( or he will and you will have to deal with it again latter)

Have you tried watching it with him and making it part of fun together.

[ebonydstressed]

Honey, you are thinking too much on the subject! Men like porn period. At some point in time you are going to catch him at it again... Don't be mad at him he's young my husband watches porn too and he's 36! Our sex life is fine and some... He lied to you because he knew you will be mad at him if you knew and you were. It's not a phase it's a fact most men like porn. Some will tell you they don't watch but they do... Those women are performing and he's enjoying the performance, he can't sleep with any of them! And men often have fantasies about Lesbians doesn't mean he wants one, if you have a personal problem with porn honey you can speak to him about it but if he really stops I'll be surprised.. He isn't cheating honey, porn is not what you should be worrying about, if you love him and your relationship works for both of you then porn is just a minor problem! Can't win all the arguments love,.

[Kim_x]

We have spoken about it, so much and he persists on saying when he watches it he thinks of it being us. And that he looks at it for the different situations or to improve in bed. Are you telling me that this is probably a lie? And also he has promised he is going to stop is this also not going to happen? I need to know where I stand because I've never been so confused and hurt in my life! :'(

[JoeCanada76]

First of all why are you hurt?

Second you obviously are beating a dead horse to death.

Third it is true, guys can get a lot of ideas about different things to try in bed from watching and or looking at porn.

Fourth if you are assistant on making this such a huge problem then yes eventually you will lose him.

What part do you not understand? Whatever he sees or watches on porn has nothing to do with your relationship. You need to stop taking this so personal and throwing it out of proportion. Which you are.

He is in a relationship with you. Where is he at night? What does he do during the day? It does not interfere in your daily life. Does not interfere with your sex life.

There is not really a problem here. Except for you being way to insecure about something that should not really be an issue. The more you push this though, the more you make a huge mountain out of an ant hill. Then you will have relationship problems that will and could push him to the brink.

[Kim_x]

Why is it always the girls fault for this? I'm fed up hearing about how it's just what men do. Well naturally women are flirts! But we don't go out flirting with people because the only person I want to flirt with is my boyfriend, so the only person my boyfriend should want to see naked and get turned on by is me! Because he is the only man that I want to see.

[ebonydstressed]

Ok Kim, I can see you feel strongly about this issue.. I don't think anyone has faulted you directly. Facts were posted in relation to your problem and most of the replies are similar. I understand that you love your boyfriend and expect him to respect you in a certain way, and I also understand that you feel he should only have eyes for you as you do for him. You said you talked to him about it and he agreed to stop, that's good. But what if you catch him again? I'm sorry that you're confused and that you feel you are not getting the responses you are looking for but if you keep insisting that he stop he's going to tell you that he will.. And most likely continue, behind your back. But if he actually does stop for you then you will be lucky to have found a very rare type of male...

[Kim_x]

That's the thing though I never insisted it to stop. Of course I wanted to but I know more than any other when someone tells you to do something you do the opposite. He was the one insisting it will stop!

[Cat1864]

He is probably insisting because he wants to make you happy and keep peace in the relationship. Do not allow or accept any promises that you know he won't be able to keep.

[jenniepepsi]

I suggest you both go into couples counselling together (its like marriage counseling only you are not married)
Because it seems to me you both have a difficult time communicating, and understanding each other. You both need to talk about your TRUE FEELINGS in this matter, but neither seems to know how to do so in a progressive manner. This is probably true for more than just THIS issue.

I wish you luck!

[Fr_Chuck]

I agree, you seem to have no "give and take" on this, so he most likely had no real choice,
And it is not just the girl that has to give in. But he likes it, and wants to do it and it is really not fair to ask him to stop.

You really need to decide if this is a reason to leave him and find a new boyfriend, or if you can find a way to accept it.

Even if he does stop, you can expect him to resent you for this over time.

[JoeCanada76]

You ask for answers but you are sick of hearing the truth. You are so insistent on this. You are the one with the problem.

Asking complete strangers if he is going to lie or not. How the hell do we know, but if you continue to be such a pain in this area, then yes he will tell you anything to keep you quiet. No one want to be nagged to death.

Which you are doing. Yes you are at fault in this situation. He said to you he will stop but your still discussing it, why?

[Kim_x]

No you don't know if he's going to lie or not but I am asking for advice!! And that's exactly what this site is for, advice! I am 19, and in my first relationship and have no clue what is acceptable and what's not! That's why I came on here! Because sometimes it's nice to speak to complete strangers who see things from an outside point of view. I do not have a problem nor did I once say my boyfriend does. I simply told my story, my feelings towards the issue and welcomed any advice. I do not want to come on here to be told I have a problem. My reaction to this is completely normal, and everyone has different ways of reacting to things, all of which are completely normal. Relationships aren't easy and they don't come with a manual so I am only wanting advice!! I do have give and take with this situation, I am just scared I am being made a fool of or something. Like I said I haven't been in a serious relationship before and have just slept with one person so I have no experience on dealing with relationship problems, sexual or emotional.

[Kim_x]

Also cat1864, the promises he says to keep I believe. When he's told me it's going to stop I believe him. But that's what I'm scared of, am I believing something that isn't true. I really want him to keep his promise but from the responses on here I'm unsure if its likely!

[jenniepepsi]

No you don't know if he's going to lie or not but I am asking for advice!!! and that's exactly what this site is for, advice! I am 19, and in my first relationship and have no clue what is acceptable and what's not! That's why I came on here! Because sometimes it's nice to speak to complete strangers who see things from an outside point of view. I do not have a problem nor did I once say my boyfriend does. I simply told my story, my feelings towards the issue and welcomed any advice. I do not want to come on here to be told I have a problem. My reaction to this is completely normal, and everyone has different ways of reacting to things, all of which are completely normal. Relationships aren't easy and they don't come with a manual so I am only wanting advice!!! I do have give and take with this situation, I am just scared I am being made a fool of or something. Like I said I haven't been in a serious relationship before and have just slept with one person so I have no experience on dealing with relationship problems, sexual or emotional.

You don't seem to need any answers, you seem to understand all of this even better than I did when I was your age. If you understand all of this, and know that it is normal, and fine, and everything will be OK, what is your question? The only way someone can make a fool of you is if you ALLOW it.

I stand by my previous answer. You seem to have a good grasp on things, which is good. But if you are still very unsure, it would be good to either sit down and talk to him, or seek a couples Councillor together

[Kim_x]

My question is, am I a fool for believing he won't go on again?

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes, if you believe he will stop and is not looking at it you are a fool. ** OK not a fool, but not being realistic and not being accepting of what is basically a normal male action.

If he was addicted and if he was effecting your relationship that is one issue, but it is often used, even in my own counseling as foreplay to help give couples some ideas in bed.

Men look and he will think about the women in walmart with the tight pants, he will think about the women walking across the street in front of him with a short few seconds day dream. Men don't admit it, normally but that is how they are wired.

[Kim_x]

Well thank you for the honesty. If it was used as foreplay with us it would not upset me. What upsets me is the thought of other women turning him on. Especially because of how much care I take in my appearance. But it's just something me and my boyfriend have to work on. I have compromised.

[jenniepepsi]

You are very much a fool if you believe he will never go back to porn again.

But that is not a bad thing. He obviously loves you. And I am very sure he will TRY his DAMDEST to keep that promise. But to expect him to keep it may be an act in folly.

I am sorry if I have missed this question or answer. But I was curious if you would be open to perhaps going to the adult store and picking out some porn videos that you may enjoy TOGETHER. You may find that you enjoy it as well. It can add to a sexual relationship a great deal when used properly.

I wish you luck hon! Keep us updated on this!