[olivequilley]

I have been with the same person for a year now and we are extremely close. However, he is very jealous and controlling. I don't talk to any of my male friends anymore because of the arguments it causes, even though I would like to. I have never cheated on anyone and I am very faithful, there is no reason for him to doubt me. We have known each other for around 4 years, and before we started seeing each other he was with another girl.

They broke up because of his jealousy issues. He now calls her a 'slut' and a 'whore' etc and is very bitter. She was not unfaithful at all and I know her, she is not a slut at all. My boyfriend gets very drunk every few weeks and is horrible and abusive. He punches walls and kicks things and even tips tables over. He starts fights with anyone and throws his weight around. It is very frightening and I don't know how to stop it. He blames anyone but himself and always has an excuse. He thinks that its always the drinks fault or my fault because I have a 'low cut top on'. He has never hit me or anything like that, and says he wouldn't dream it but I am still frightened.

He is also a very flirty person and when he was with his last partner was accused of cheating (I don't know if it is true). I've seen pictures of him with other girls looking close, cheek kissing etc, and he is such a hypocrite as he would go MAD if I did that.

I love him so much I can't bare to leave him, I don't know what I'd do. He seems to think its OK, but I can't stand the violent behavior, and I'm scared one day it will turn on me. He's done this many times before and each time has said 'it won't ever happen again'. How do I stop this behavior? We have talked about this and I have explained it and threatened to leave him, but he never listens. Help?

[talaniman]

Sorry, until you leave for real and never look back, he will never change, he didn't before with his ex, did he, no, so you will always live in fear, with a chance of things becoming worse.

Leaving is the only way to change YOUR situation.

[HurtScorpio]

Let me tell you from experience that you may not think you can "bare to leave him" but you can. I thought this when I was 18 years old and although my boyfriend at that time was not jealous, he had all those other traits and I stayed , married him, and divorced him at age 32. This will get worse over time and it will get scarey. The jealousy piece is about him not you. He has cheated and has those tendencies so he assumes you will as well. These are his insecurities which have nothing to do with your clothing or your behavior.

He starts fights to boost his ego and show his masculinity and I guarantee you are a pretty girl who is much too good for him and he knows it. This is why he fears losing you and the more he "beats you down" verbally and makes you feel bad about yourself, the more you are going to feel you have to stay with him because you begin to feel you deserve no better. I remember people pulling me aside asking me why I put up with it.

He does not believe you will leave probably because they are empty threats that you have never acted on. My best suggestion to you is to leave, do not have contact with him, as difficult as that may be. The scarey thing is, since he is violent he may attempt to come looking for you and you may need a Protection from Abuse (PFA) which I did. You need to protect your life. Once out of this you may feel lonely but right now you are "unavailable" for the nice men.

Also, if you decide to leave do not isolate yourself. Try to go out, even if it is by yourself to shop and "fake being happy" because that is when you are approachable not when you are sad and have your head to the floor. That is when you will find a nice guy.

I would also suggest speaking to a therapist about why you are seeking out these type of men as if you do not figure it out, you will end up in a similar relationship again. I know because I have been there and I sincerely empathize with you.

I wish you all the luck and please don't accept this abuse. No one deserves it, and this type of man does not deserve you. He needs help with his alcohol issues, his violence, and his issues with women, none of which you can do. Don't try to be his savior. IT NEVER WORKS!!

Good luck!