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dadgar1000 · Oct 11, 2011, 08:15 AM

I have been married with my wife for over 9 years and we have a 7 year old son. We had a trip to Iran and after the trip she asked for a divorce. She cheated on me in Tehran, went to a hotel and had sex with him several times. She says that they are both madly in love with each other. They had met/noticed each other using Facebook a few months back.
This has really broken my heart. They guy was married, had a 3-4 year daughter, is moving to Canada and have offered her to be with her. After a number of conversations with my wife she says the only way she can give our marriage another try is if and only if he stays in Iran or comes back to his wife. She also says she has no feelings for me anymore. I have noticed she does have feelings for me; when I cried she started to cry and got really upset. The first day after we returned we had a quick sex which was not great, but was not forced on any of us either. Since the divorce talk she has refused to have sex with me and I said I will wait for her until she decides what to do. I have invited her out a few times and she does still enjoy going out with me. I do really love her and if divorce happens I might leave her and our son so I can forget about her.
I need some advice.
We have seen a family counselor and she mentioned to me that she can see my wife still has feelings for.

Jake2008 · Oct 12, 2011, 05:38 AM

What a horrible situation you are in. I am sorry that she is putting you through this- nobody deserves to be treated this way under any circumstances.

I'm concerned about all the 'what if's'. What if her married lover decides not to move to Canada. What if he does move and decides not to have her live with him. What if, because he has a child, that his wife and child will also be coming to Canada with him. (Does his wife even know about the affair?) What if she realizes that an online relationship for two months and a brief series of sexual encounters with a stranger- (she hardly knows him after such a short time), was a huge mistake. What if a counsellor can get through to her that this life altering experience she is about to do- by being with this man- is too much too soon.

Your wife says that the only way she will stay with you is if her boyfriend stays in Iran, or, goes back to his wife. So, she's some kind of prize? You are second best? Good enough to be with if something better doesn't work out?

Are you willing to just sit back and allow all of this to happen, however she decides things will or will not be?

I urge you to seek legal advice. She may very well be involved in some sort of scam that will see your bank account disappear. Keep on top of the finances to ensure she is not sending him money.

A lawyer will be able to advise you on what you can, and cannot do. If it all comes about and you do not have a legal separation, and you do not have custody arrangements in place, you will not only lose her, but your child as well.

Seek counselling on your own to work through all this confusion. You will need to be strong, and you will need to think about what is in YOUR best interest, and your child's best interest, should she decide to run off with this guy. It is really important that you do not sit by quietly, and allow her to walk all over you. You are not doing yourself any favours by allowing her to do so.

After you have seen a lawyer and you know what you can and cannot do, tell her that you intend to file for a legal separation. She will know, or should know, that a custody arrangement will prevent her from taking your child across the border without your permission. Give her a time limit so you know when this torture is going to end. Say 2 weeks. Or 30 days, whatever works. Let HER know that you are serious, and that she can do as she likes, but you're not going to hang around waiting for her to pick you.

Should she smarten up, marriage counselling may or may not be worthwhile. It depends on what you can forgive, and how willing and honest she is in trying to make the marriage work. (which she should have done before she slept with the guy). To most, it would be unforgivable, but that decision of course, will be up to you should she want to remain married.

This makes me so angry that a wife and mother can get herself into such a mess, and pretend that everything is okay. Please take some control over this situation, and don't remain wondering what to do. Presume and prepare for the worst, and don't allow yourself to be in the unenviable position of losing everything because you did not protect yourself.

dadgar1000 · Oct 12, 2011, 07:46 AM

I am seeing a marriage counselor every 2 weeks, who is a qualified psychiatrist as well. She told me that my wife is in really bad depression. Also My wife told me she has had no feelings for me for some years now. Through her actions I can see she does still have strong feelings for me.
1)I got upset and cried. She cried the night after as she could not see me so upset.
2)I asked her to place her head on my shoulder which she did and said she feels a lot more safer than when she placed her head on this guy's shoulder
3)I took her out one day and she was saying why I did not did this and that long time ago
Maybe I am cheating myself on the basis of my strong feelings for her.
Another fact is that I know she was at fault, but I can and will never let her live with him. I am a man after all and do have the normal jealousy and other feelings about his wife.

On the legal side, I want her back, and I am not sure whether I can be with my son if she continues her relationship with this guy.

penelo · Oct 12, 2011, 08:06 AM

#1 its not your fault. She chose to do this if she truly wanted to save this marriage she would.. you just have to be able to forgive and start building that trust. But you say she's still seeing this guy? And as for your son its NOT his fault either don't cheat him because of her actions. Good luck you'll make the right decision my marriage survived an affair

dadgar1000 · Oct 12, 2011, 09:49 AM

Thanks Penelo. I do not plan to cheat my son because of my wife's mistake, but I am under lots of stress and trying really hard to control my actions. She is still using Facebook to chat with him and we live in UK. She can not see him right now.
It is good to know your marriage survived an affair. I hope mine will survive as well.

Jake2008 · Oct 12, 2011, 12:06 PM

Another fact is that I know she was at fault, but I can and will never let her live with him. I am a man after all and do have the normal jealousy and other feelings about his wife.

Dadgar,

You do realize that she has a choice, right? No matter what, whether to leave you or not, it is her choice, and hers alone. It is not something you can allow or not allow her to do.

We aren't talking about 'normal jealousy' here that couples experience. You are talking about, by your statement, is not allowing her to leave you. Unfortunately, this twist in thinking comes under stress when anger, mixed emotions, and unresolved issues keep building and building. Control and revenge being the extreme end of this- I hope you recognize what your words imply.

On the legal side, I want her back, and I am not sure whether I can be with my son if she continues her relationship with this guy.

Your son is a victim, and will continue to be, until the two adults in his life, resolve this problem. He did not create it, and he is not the first child to come from a broken home, and his life and development ARE your responsibility.

Please cancel the internet. If she wishes to carry on with this man, let her go to the library. I can't imagine how you must feel to know she is online talking to him. She is being terribly unfair and disrespectful.

I am relieved that you are in therapy. I hope that your therapist is aware of how intense your feelings are right now, and she is helping you cope effectively. I am going to put the suggestion out there that you consider temporarily moving out to a hotel, or a friend's place. A little space and distance will give you some breathing room. And as I've said before, please seek legal council, even if to understand the process of separation. Be as prepared as you can as well, with your finances.

One last suggestion I have for you, if your therapist has not already suggested it, is to start keeping a diary. Every day write out the thoughts you have and let your anger out on paper. It is a good way to dispel some of it and will make controlling it easier. You must find a way to gain a perspective that will be positive, rather than negative.

If you have family in the UK, or she does, or perhaps you have a close personal friend, seek them out, and talk. This is called support, and no one is immune to not needing support when things go wrong in our lives. Your son could probably use some quality time with you, which would be another reason to get out of the house with him, and go do some activities like a movie, or visiting. Try to keep his life on an even keel.

I don't know if your relationship with your wife has ever ended in anger that involved physical violence. IF it has, you have some idea of what could happen, if you do lose control. Please continue with your therapy and find out who or where to call for immediate assistance when she is not available.

Your situation is worrysome, but I am sure that you can get through this. Absolutely certain that even if it is here, with us, you can vent, and talk, and hopefully this in turn will help you cope.

dadgar1000 · Oct 13, 2011, 01:06 AM

I do realize she is the one who will decide. We have never had serious argument let alone physical violence. She says she is considering, but on the other hand it seems she has made her choice which really annoys me. I have started to go out with her again and she does enjoy going out with me which leaves me really puzzled.
Does anyone think it is a good idea to talk to this other guy?

Jake2008 · Oct 13, 2011, 05:52 AM

It seems like you are not listening, or willing to consider advice. I don't know why. Are you afraid if you don't allow her to manipulate and cheat on you right under your nose, that she won't pick you?

She enjoys going out with you because her conscience is clear. Wow, she can openly cheat, and you treat her better because of it. Why wouldn't she enjoy going out with you- you're okay with everything.

I don't think either of you are putting the needs of your child first. What about his future. What if she suddenly hops the border on you and settles in with this other guy. Does it bother you that your indifference could cause you the loss of any custody over your son?

I don't know what to say to you dadgar. You aren't moving forward in any way to protect yourself, or your son. I'm not sure why you are in therapy either- is that also to impress your wife? What did you think would happen, or did you discuss with your therapist, the need for you to have some control over your own life?

"It seems she has made her choice which really annoys me" you say. And that choice isn't leaving her lover and choosing to work on her marriage. And you are annoyed about it.

I really wish you well dadgar. I hope for your own future that you eventually make your own choices, and not be subject to those imposed on you by your wife. As long as you choose to remain in this marriage, as it is, there is little else I can say to help you.

dadgar1000 · Oct 13, 2011, 07:26 AM

I am listening Jake:
We live in UK, so taking the child abroad will be considered kidnapping. Her parents live in USA and will back me up, not her, if she ever does such a thing. They are traditional and they will not regard her as their daughter if they ever discover she cheated on me. She can not go to Iran either as I have the divorce right and not her.
Our son is really really dependent on me. So leaving them will definitely affect him. In fact my wife begged me to stay because of our son.
It seems you regard my marriage as finished while I do not.

DavidB66 · Oct 27, 2011, 08:16 AM

Self respect... Self confidence... A must...

DavidB66 · Oct 27, 2011, 08:30 AM

From someone who has been in similar position just months ago... You have only one true option... It will be difficult and go against everything you feel... I carried on like u trying to be all I could be for months... What I learned was that all I had read and all I had been told was true... Cut her off!! Communicate only via email about kids!! No text no calls no gifts no cards!! The more you do the more you assure her u will be there for her and she will keep you in limbo as she FINDS HERSELF!! I drug my separation out for months all because I did not make a stand!! The moment I found out there was another guy, gave me the strength and understanding of what was going on!! The moment I put my foot down and cut off all communication, she freaked out and was trying to get me back nonstop... Yes I heard all the same things... I love u but not in love... I have no emotional ties to you... I have no romantIc interest... Blah blah... Pure mind games to keep u off balance!! Oh I was her best friend... Blah blah... She even asked for a divorce... It hurt but that was a beginning of the swing... I tools her it was a good idea... Gave her the divorce papers... Get the picture? Man up!! If I had I would never have moved out... We have been back together two months and what I have found the more I shower her with nice, the further she moves away... I have to go back and shut down and she runs back!! Balance is the key if u get back together...