[g3t_r3al]

I didn't believe her... because she lied to me alit as a child. But she did tell me his name. When I grew up I searched for the truth. And I found out that he was a rapist and was in jail at that time and still to this day. I skewed wondered where my looks came from and I sent him a letter with a picture requesting one back. It might sound crazy... but from what I knew he knew about me and the rape. He also claimed me to people... But denied he raped my mother. His family and everyone knew... but never reached out to her or me. My mother gave birth to ne when she was 13. And raised me the best she could. Now because of the letter his family wants to b apart of my life. I'm very much grown with a husband and a family of my own. I told my mother of what I have done. And now she is angry with me. She said I betrayed her... But I just wanted to know the truth and where I get my looks from. I'm stuck. And confused. Did I betray her? If I let his family in... would that be betrayal? He is someone I want nothing to do with. I have read the stories of th things he has done.all the news articles. It scares me. But his family has reached put to me in so many ways. Coming to my house... finding me on the internet and Facebook. Sending pictures of family. Invites to family get togethers. Sending my children gifts. So my things my family that I know... doesn't do. It's tempting. I feel like I might b missing out on a family I never had but at what cost?

[ScottGem]

Yes you betrayed your mother. Given these circumstances going behind your mother's back to contact this man was a betrayal, In my opinion.

Having a relationship with his family, just rubs her nose in what has to be a painful chapter of her life

I also find it creepy that this family would be pressuring you to the extent it has. This doesn't seem normal behavior to me.

[Fr_Chuck]

Not knowing your area where you live, or culture but in the US, anyone that has sex with a 13 year old would be a rapist.

But yes, wanting to contact and have relationship with the man and family of the person who raped your mom is just creepy to me.

[g3t_r3al]

Well all of my family was born in the US.dc a matter of fact. I didn't believe her when she said she was raped. Only because she lied about a lot and her life style was pretty shady. So I felt like if I was to find out the truth... I had to research. I get what your saying about going behind her back and contacting him and requesting a photograph.idk I guess having that void filled of looking in the mirror and knowing where I came from physically . It is creepy that they come at me like that but I guess that's just a way for them to apologize for his actions. I guess. It doesn't seem like normsl behavior but what's normal about my life. Doesn't seem "normal". So yes... I hear u. It would be rubbing it in her face. So I guess it would be "normal" for a teenage mother to tell her child she was raped... and then say she wasn't and then give me the name of him and get mad when I finally find him? And its normal to grow up and know the name of your "father" but can't contact him to find out the truth or even know what he looks like because it would hurt her. I'm having a hard time trying to see what " normal" is.

[ScottGem]

Actually a woman raped at 13 would probably be considered normal going through the conflicts you described. On the one hand, this is a painful part of her past that she is uncomfortable confronting. On the other, she may understand your needs to know. That's why the going back and forth. I think you need to try to understand what she has gone through.

Has she been a good mother? Has she provided for you and loved you? I think that's the more important questions you need to answer for yourself, then whether she lied about this.

[shadoopshooby]

I don't know what you should do. But I have struggled with the implications of rape and family (not to say I know what you're going through but I thought sharing might be helpful). My family is African-American. Thanks to several great-aunts we have started to put together a family tree and can now trace to our last "black" ancestor from slave times. Her son was mulatto (no hint of who the father was) but her age and situation makes it most likely she was raped. I wrote this poem, and it gave me (some) closure. Perhaps it will do the same for you.

My Ghost (Inspired by Maxine Hong Kingston)
Or On Knowing I Probably Came From Rape
Or On Forgetting His Blood Lies in Me Too


What was she like – my great-great-grandmother?
River or stream? No – the Rock in between;
The last of that noble African gene.
Her name: unknown, her skin was another.

Did she hide, still a girl, in the den - or
Was her skirt worn high to draw his loveglance?
Did she run from his gaze at every chance?
Did she silently bare one burden more?

Her hips weren't like mine: thin with no essence.
They had to be thick with work and birthing –
Still I build her, bits of me, unearthing,
Ritual healing is a strict science.

I re/member her, disre/member him –
I pretend we walked off the boat in this skin.

Hope this helps. Remember, everyone's situation is unique. No one can really tell you what's right for you. Whether you're dad and his family are terrible or not, they are a part of you. People don't just wake up one morning and know who they are going to be. We learn from the people who have gone before us and pick their behavior, their faults, what's bad and good, that we want to reflect in ourselves. You're obviously looking for some answers to the question of who you are. Not everything you'll learn from your paternal side will answer this question. But regardless, it's your right to ask this question and to seek out any truth that might illuminate it. Your mother wasn't the only one who was harmed by this act and you have the right to seek healing, though you might want to do this in a way that doesn't hurt her.