[Rose760]

Hello so I've been with my boyfriend for 2 yrs and we live together along with his seven year old child. My boyfriend used to have 50 50 custody of his son but recently his baby's mom moved out of the county violating the court order. He's gone to court but the date isn't for another 2 months. He's been super mopey lately and when I try to cheer him up I just get brushed off. It seems like my presents annoys him.

I understand that he's going through a lot but its not fare that I get ignored. Also, he asked me to serve his baby mom custody papers and I said "no' I do not feel like it is my place to get involved . I try to explain that to my boyfriend but he doesn't understand he thinks I'm being selfish but in reality I was just doing what I though was best. It would just add fuel to the fire.

What can I do to make the situation better? He asked me not to come home last night because he was that mad... What do I do ? I'm scared of losing my relationship but I also know that I don't deserve to be treated this way.

[talaniman]

I agree with you, you don't deserve that kind of treatment. He is mad and doesn't want you home, then don't go. Let him be mad, by himself. He may be going through a lot, but taking it out on you will poison this relationship, and you will lose it any way.

Usually when you let angry people stew in their own juice, they have time to think about themselves, and what they want. Let him, because he needs to know what bad behavior brings. Give him what he wants, to be mad, and alone.

Take a weeks vacation from this idiot. You do deserve the peace.

[vanheart]

"he asked me to serve his baby mom custody papers"

Huh?

"He asked me not to come home last night because he was that mad"

That isn't good.

Doesn't sounds like he wants to man-up & deal. With anything.

You got with him knowing all of his past, how he is, put up with his crap & lived with his son.
You signed on for that.

Is that good for you?

Let him sort his stuff for a change.

[Jake2008]

With the child's mother skipping the country, I presume that he has some contact with her? Is this a permanent move for her and the child? If there was a 50/50 legal custody arrangement in place, how was she able to leave the country without his permission in the first place.

By asking you to serve the child's mother with custody papers- is he going for full custoday, or was he going for full custody, and she took off to avoid that possibility? Why, if he's applied for custody, was she not served by the court.

It seems to me that while this is difficult for you, there is a child involved here who sounds like a bouncing ball at the moment. The parents are each dealing with unresolved issues, both legally and otherwise, and it sounds like he's going to be facing a lengthy and expensive legal battle ahead.

At the moment, sadly for you, his life will not be 'normal'. Your needs will not be met as long as he has to face what lies ahead regarding his son.

Until he is in a place where things between him and his wife- is he even legally separated or divorced?- are decided and worked out, you will be in the middle of a lot of unfinished business between the two.

You can't fix this. If he needs to deal with this on his own, so be it. Personally I wouldn't put my life on hold or get in the middle of this mess.

[vanheart]

Jake nailed it.

"unfinished business"

Before you even started.

[Cat1864]

The following quote is a post you made in another thread. I think it points to more of the issues you are having with your boyfriend. Along with the mother leaving the country with his son, your boyfriend has a very strong attachment to the child which is making it worse.

Hey there ... honestly im going through a very similar experience. My boyfriend has a son that is 7 and i completely understand what your goin through. My bf has 50 50 coustody with his babys mom n he is with his son alot. When his son is around he is not so cuddly with me either and when his son is there sometimes he will sleep in his sons bed. Its really hard to take on the role of a step parent figure, but to answer your question you will never be #1 in his life , his son will ALWAYS come b4 you. Ive often told my bf that he can't exclude me from the picture i have to be included too. His babys mom will always be around you can either take it of leave it. Like you his son acts up when my bf is around but when its only me and the little one he behaves much better but i think thats because he know he can get aways more with his dad thank you. Its a hard job bc your thrown into this instant family, just know that your doing the best that you can and if its gets over whelming dont beat your self up about ... you gotta weigh your pros n cons n if its gets too overwleming maybe its not worth it (thats what im feeling right now so i got you girly)

Like Jake, I am trying to figure out the timing on all of this. Was he trying to full custody before she left the country? Why would he expect you could serve her with papers when she isn't in the country? I think you were right to say no and that if you did it would cause more problems than there already are for him.

I think your boyfriend needs to look into counseling. He needs support and guidance that you cannot give him. He needs a neutral party trained to deal with extremely strong and negative emotions and situations to listen to him. He needs someone who can give him the tools to be able to handle his anger, hurt, frustration, etc. without causing hurt and pain to others who are close to him.

I think you need to take a step back and don't allow yourself to become or be used as the focus for his frustrations.

If you stay in the relationship, you might think about couple's counseling as a way to help you work better as a team. This is a very difficult time and you both need all the support for going through it that you can find. Depending on where you live, there may even be support groups for parents whose former partners have run away with their children.

It's up to you to decide if the relationship is worth it. Perhaps giving him a letter mentioning counseling and support groups then giving him space to think about it might help. It might also allow you to get a better perspective on how you feel and what you think you can handle.

Good luck and above all take care of yourself.