[confused_guy]

Everyone has been very helpful with me pertaining to giving my girlfriend space. She called me again last night and we had an hour long light hearted conversation that eventually (on her terms) became about our relationship. She said she didn't know what to do. I replied that I am trying to give her the space she requested and am surprised that she isn't taking it.

She said that she feels like she wants it, but then at the end of the day she can't help but wonder what I'm doing, etc. Said that if we didn't work out she is afraid I wouldn't speak with her anymore.

That part of the conversation sort of shifted to things we can work on to try to make our relationship better. Efforts we can make. How it may be a good thing that she has moved home with her parents, because in her tiny apartment we were always face to face with not much else to do but bicker. She invited me down on Sunday after her parents leave town to help her move some things, put together a futon, etc. I said I'd be there, and the conversation ended on good terms.
-------


Anyway, on to my question. She is a beautiful girl. A very friendly one too. Consequently, she has a lot of guys who try to meet her. A lot.

She tries to justify their intentions in her own mind and even admits that when we first met she thought I just wanted to be her friend (but that she liked me from the beginning). Anyhow, she still has contact with a couple of her exes (she claims to generally dislike both of them and only replies to text messages, IM's, etc. when they contact her... she doesn't like to be rude to ANYONE). She's also got a friend that outright asked her out once (she declined), but they talk fairly often through text message. He is her boss's son and has a ton of money. I'm kind of insecure about that, as I am working on my degree and am far from rich. Yet she practically gushes over him when it comes to his sports abilities and how funny he is.

I was never really very jealous about her--never felt the urge to check her cell phone or anything like that--until she lied to me about one of the exes. Initially said she had no contact with him, then the next day had a text message conversation with him... and never mentioned having a boyfriend or anything (she told me this). Since then, I have succumbed to the urge to check her cell phone sometimes (she has done the same to me). It makes me even more paranoid because ever since we met she has made a point of turning her phone off or moving it to silent when we are together. Claims that she doesn't want to be distracted when we're together because a couple of her girlfriends ring a lot.

The ex that she lied about in particular makes me feel awkward because she was in contact with him while seeing her last boyfriend too. And after she split with her last boyfriend she slept with the other ex a few more times before meeting me.

I know she enjoys the attention, and I do not think that she is outright cheating with any of these people. I still feel like she is playing with fire. Encouraging them. What's the best way to approach her about this, or should I even bother? She already knows it bugs me, because we've both had heart to hearts about how it makes me feel and I've tried to angry/jealous approach (never helps ANYTHING).

[Nohitter410]

Well if the question is about jealousy then that is easy? No reason to bring jealousy into the relationship. It is one of the biggest relationship killers. It is hard to fathom that you girlfriend when you are not around will be going out to places and flirting with guys but that is reality. Everyone does it and it is hard for many men to be OK with. You have to realize that she is with you and as long as you give her the space and not control her into only talking to you the relationship will be that much stronger.

I am not saying to not bring it up because if it is tearing you up then bring it up to her. There are just different approaches. You need to do the 3 step approach in my opinion. Bring up the problem you have and then explain exactly why it bothers you and do it specifically but then end it by saying something good about her that even though this thing bothers you that you still care about her and that is why it is being brought up.

But in your situation right now I say keep it to yourself. She wants space and that conversation will just make it worse. You are still not giving her space and you need to stop letting her play you and go away so she can figure out what she wants. You talk about your relationship all the time but she initially asked for space. Whether she calls you or no you need to let her know if she asked for space you are going to give it to her. And have her not call you until she figures out what she wants. But I have a feeling you will stay as the whipping boy for a while and let her make up her mind very slowly and keep you waiting.

[laylow80]

I agree with nohitter.. but I have a little more to say..

Why don't you see why she likes talking to him so much. Is he really worth sacrificing you ? Try to keep some distance though, since she wants space. But I recommend talking to her about it, communication is the key. Don't keep it to yourself, because it will keep irritating you and the jealousy will become worse. My boyfriend talked to his ex, and when I told him it made me uncomfortable he stopped talking to her because I am more important to him then a friendship with his ex. Try asking if she prefers talking to him over you, there has got to be a reason for her to keep talking to him, she obviously wants to since she hasn't made the innitiative to stop. Tell her you know she wants space but you just can't take her talking to one of her ex bfs because you feel as if you're not pleasing her and she needs something more. Tell her you're uncomfortable and if she cares more about you then him, then she'll see that and stop talking to him.

[confused_guy]

Well if the question is about jealousy then that is easy? No reason to bring jealousy into the relationship. It is one of the biggest relationship killers. It is hard to fathom that you girlfriend when you are not around will be going out to places and flirting with guys but that is reality. Everyone does it and it is hard for many men to be OK with. You have to realize that she is with you and as long as you give her the space and not control her into only talking to you the relationship will be that much stronger.

Thank you for that, Nohitter. The jealousy bug really started to bite me after she told that initial lie about her ex. Hell, I didn't even ask about him. She just started randomly telling the lies to make herself look better and to make me like her more.

I am not saying to not bring it up because if it is tearing you up then bring it up to her. There are just different approaches. You need to do the 3 step approach in my opinion. Bring up the problem you have and then explain exactly why it bothers you and do it specifically but then end it by saying something good about her that even though this thing bothers you that you still care about her and that is why it is being brought up.

I've sort of tried that approach but my thoughts are always jumbled. Especially given the situation right now, it's probably best to swallow my fears and try to give her the benefit of the doubt. She just called me, actually... invited me over and says how bored she is. I told her I can't make it and have stuff to do (I do) but maybe will be by later tonight.

But in your situation right now I say keep it to yourself.

Noted.

She wants space and that conversation will just make it worse. You are still not giving her space and you need to stop letting her play you and go away so she can figure out what she wants. You talk about your relationship all the time but she initially asked for space. Whether she calls you or no you need to let her know if she asked for space you are going to give it to her. And have her not call you until she figures out what she wants. But I have a feeling you will stay as the whipping boy for a while and let her make up her mind very slowly and keep you waiting.

I told her last night how weird it was for me that she kept calling when she said she wanted space. She pretty much said that she just keeps thinking about me no matter what. Now she calls me and invites me over because she's bored. I miss the hell out of her but I'm kind of glad I'm busy for at least a few more hours. How the hell is she going to miss ME when I'm at her beckon call?



I plan to not even push the subject. I haven't brought it up the past two nights since she asked for space. She is the one who has. So I'm leaving it. She wants to talk? I'll talk, but I'm not just going to let her set the terms for everything. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. I love her, but I'm not going to just be the whipping boy that you described.

[Ash123]

Sunday is too soon to be called into "move furniture."

I'd give her a friendly ring and offer the idea of a little more time to yourself, (and herself). You may find you end with more ability to go through this on your terms than you think. And her ears a bit more open when you talk.

You may be surprised to find the little bit of control you are taking for yourself this week does not result in you being punished with her leaving you next week. Just the opposite. Whether this girl is or isn't "the one", you will have learned some self-confidence that will hold you in good stead when that time/person comes along. She'll see you are a... man.

Moreover, "boredom" is not a very inspiring reason for her to invite you over. I mean why doesn't she just say: "I realized my lint drawer in the dryer is full - wanna clean it...and can you bring me some smokes...?"
OR
"There's nothing good on TV, so i called you....Yawn. Do you have premium cable?"

C'mon - this is my man CG :-)
I just don't think she's getting it.

In the words of my cantankerous great grandfather and oilman: Hear me now. Believe me later.

Rock on CG - whether you move furniture or not

[confused_guy]

I agree with nohitter.. but I have a little more to say..

Why don't you see why she likes talking to him so much. Is he really worth sacrificing you ?

She has told me about she is willing to sacrifice them for me, but I kind of always walk off feeling like a head for even approaching the subject. Maybe in time I could just write her a letter... take a couple of days and re-read it to make sure it summarizes my feelings and then approach it that way.

Try to keep some distance though, since she wants space.

She just called again to see if I will come down tonight. I said I probably would but kept somewhat aloof. It's not my job to entertain her, right?

But I recommend talking to her about it, communication is the key. Don't keep it to yourself, because it will keep irritating you and the jealousy will become worse. My boyfriend talked to his ex, and when I told him it made me uncomfortable he stopped talking to her because I am more important to him then a friendship with his ex.

How did you really know he stopped? Did you do shady things like check his phone or did you just take him at his word? Had he ever lied to you in the past?

Try asking if she prefers talking to him over you, there has got to be a reason for her to keep talking to him, she obviously wants to since she hasn't made the innitiative to stop.

Deep inside I know you she prefers me. We wouldn't be together every night if she didn't. But she hates conflicts and wants to be friends with the entire world... even the snakes.

Tell her you know she wants space but you just can't take her talking to one of her ex bfs because you feel as if you're not pleasing her and she needs something more. Tell her you're uncomfortable and if she cares more about you then him, then she'll see that and stop talking to him.

I don't think I'm even going to talk to her about it... yet. It's just going to damage an already fragile situation. Like Wildcat said, I need to be "fun guy" right now.

Sunday is too soon to be called into "move furniture."

I'd give her a friendly ring and offer the idea of a little more time to yourself, (and herself). You may find you end with more ability to go through this on your terms than you think. And her ears a bit more open when you talk.


You may be surprised to find the little bit of control you are taking for yourself does not result in you being punished with her leaving you. Just the opposite. Whether this girl is or isn't "the one", you will have learned some self-confidence that will hold you in good stead when that time/person comes along.

In the words of my cantankerous great grandfather and oilman: Hear me now. Believe me later.

Rock on CG - whether you move furniture or not

I'm actually wrestling a little bit with coming down tonight (she has bumped up our "furniture" date to tonight because she's bored). I really want to see her. And I know she wants to see me.

But I've never cancelled anything on her. Ever. She has done it to me a few times. She doesn't even know how it feels to expect a visit from me and not get it. I don't want to do this just to punish her though. That's not a good reason.

[Ash123]

I know it's like the 4th of July when you get to see her.
But if you wish to be strong, and re-read all your posts and WHY you wrote them,
And let her see that YOU are in charge, it will be the best thing for both if you.
You are convenient right now. Not special. Which is fine if you are a player -
But you are not. So be the next best thing: A guy who is not afraid to do what he thinks is right.
Take the break on your terms. You won't lose her. You'll gain things you may not get yet...
And being a cure for boredom is nice, but she may be more eloquent (hopefully) if you do what "you gotta do"..
And (in the words of the street): "handle your bizness".

[confused_guy]

I guess the big thing from that standpoint would be how to even approach her on it. I don't want to come off as bitter or make her angry or make her feel like I am doing things out of spite or revenge.

So looks like I'm off the hook. Just got a text message from her that said she was sorry, but she isn't going to be home tonight. Going to her aunt's place.

I'm not going to bother replying. She'll probably just end up calling again later anyway, wondering if I'm mad or something...

[LBP]

If she calls, don't answer. In fact, if you have some sort of way of leaving town that would be a fairly good move. See how she gets to walk all over you and you get nothing?

[confused_guy]

I was strongly considering not coming by tonight anyway. But I can see how you might perceive it as her walking all over me.

Still, in her defense, if her aunt called to invite her over (knowing that her parents left for the weekend) it wouldn't exactly be easy for her to turn her down. Her folks didn't even know I was coming, so she had no real excuse. Certainly wasn't about to tell her aunt that I was on my way.

Still, she often chickens out and sends me texts rather than calling when she sets me up for "disappointment". Just like the "we need a break" message the other night. Avoiding conflict. In this case, there wouldn't have been any. She didn't break my heart.

If I don't hear from her tonight it's a sure bet that she'll be ringing again tomorrow. The way things are going, I would think she'll probably buzz me tonight.

Thing is, I'm kind of afraid that if I don't answer or have anything to do with her that she'll just think that I'm angry. I'm not. I'm kind of at a loss about what's the best thing to do. I don't want to make her think that I'm angry or punishing her or anything like that. Not answering her calls when I am available seems childish and rude in my opinion.

[LBP]

So don't be available - find something else to do! Go to a movie or something. It's not like you have no options, here.

[Teaching]

There is a book called "why men love es", well I often wonder if the psychology could work the other way in this scenario as well. Sometimes Distance and Self-Confidence does amazing things to relationships.

[confused_guy]

So she ended up staying home and invited me down again. Apologized for being so back and forth. I went down, and on the way she called me and we talked some. She said she missed me and I said, "I thought you wanted a break." She said, "I'm obviously not taking a break from you, bonehead!" We laughed, and I ended up going over.

We had a great night together. She told me she loved me and admitted that she never really considered breaking up with me that much, she just felt too pressured with everything going on at home and whatnot. I asked her if she was sure it was love because the situation became so odd, and she said if it wasn't then it was infatuation because she thinks about me all the time and can't make herself stay away.

I spent the night, we got up this morning and she made breakfast for me. We hung out for a little while on the couch and she had a couple coffees, then started running all over the place doing work around the house as if I didn't exist. I eventually asked her what was up because she was kind of acting funny. She briefly brought up the needing her own space thing, but we continued to discuss a little more.

When we finally got to the bottom of things, she admitted that she was paranoid that her aunt or sister may stop by. She had told her parents already that we were on break and they specifically told her not to have any guys over while they were on their trip.

Said she may go over to my place a little later today.

Before we got to the bottom of all that though I think I may have come off a little too sadsack with her. Should have probably just left as soon as she acted funny, but instead I kind of panicked and we started falling back into heavy conversation about the relationship.

I brought it up to her that if her parents met me then they might be put at ease. See, the biggest problem there (besides our 6 year + age difference) is that her last relationship ended VERY badly. Restraining order badly. So I think her folks are looking out for her. She accused me of pressuring her when I brought up meeting the family, so I said I understood (she needs to get on good terms with them *herself* first).

I kind of rushed out of the place and she gave me a quick peck and thanked me for coming over, but I think I probably didn't handle it quite right. Def. came off a little too confused/sad with her "booting me out" before I realized that she was just totally paranoid about getting caught with me there so shortly after moving back home.

Hopefully she'll call me in a bit and still plans to come down here, but who knows with her current state of mind? She's juggling an awful lot right now between trying to mend family relationships, school, work, and trying to make our relationship work. I feel kind of bad about putting any pressure on her whatsoever, but I didn't fully understand the situation yet either...



Guess we still need to work on our communication. But I feel like we're getting there! And no, I still haven't initiated contact.

[LBP]

I do not think you understand the principles of no contact... How old is this girl and how old are you, by the way? How much do her parents factor into her decision making?

[confused_guy]

I just turned 26, she will be 20 in a few months. Her mother in particular is very controlling and they sometimes have issues because of it. My girlfriend has told her lies in the past in order to do the things that she wants to do because her mom will more or less cut her out completely if she "messes up". She was kicked out of the house before for what most people would view as minor acts of disobedience or simple mistakes.

She's trying to sort things out between them before bringing me back into the picture (at least, back into the picture that her parents see).

[Ash123]

You are likely hosed.
But the good news is you had some solid pro info to work with here. What you do with it is/was your call.
Would it be too much to share what you do for a living?
Just want to gauge how much free time you have for her and her "boredom" :-)

[confused_guy]

Full time student. And what makes you think I'm hosed?

[Ash123]

Well, you're not hosed if you know things are the same :-)

What I mean is nothing has been solved, but that's OK as long as you know that.
Just have fun and try not to stress about what happens.
A lot of people gave you some good advice: No hitter, Lay Low, LBP, Teaching...
On learning to give space. Just because she called you does not mean you gave her space. She and you would benefit from time alone. She is nowhere near improved since you began your entries. It's OK. Have fun, but know that you're not in control so just go with it as long as it lasts...

[confused_guy]

I think you're right that not all our problems have been solved, but at least I'm getting more pieces of the puzzle. I called a little earlier (I know, not something people here would recommend) and apologized if I made her feel guilty or anything with my reaction to her unusual behavior and explained that I thought about it and realized that she wasn't acting odd because of me. It was just that she was worried about her aunt/sister catching us (as she kind of round-about explained), and I didn't pick up on it right at first.

She said she wasn't worried about it at all and blew it off as nothing. Said her sister is coming up to spend the night tonight so she won't be able to come down. That was about the extent of it. No arguing, no fighting, nothing like that. At least she now knows that I recognized *my* part in the awkwardness. Plus, she knows that I wasn't outwardly trying to make her feel bad or anything.

Just seemed like a kind of odd morning after such a good night. I'll probably have to get used to that for a while if we're going to make things work. Hopefully she's still willing to keep trying. She certainly took a big chance last night by having me down!

[LBP]

Holy crap, man, it seems like you're a text book case! This calling and apologizing stuff... It's bad! Very, very bad!

Allow me to adopt the spirit of Wildcat:

You are being waaaay too available here - apologizing for leaving early?? Ewwwwwwww!

I'll be you a million bucks that you like her way more than she likes you!

She's a part of your life. PART, not all!!

Disappear! You're busy - be busy!

Just disappear!!

Learn to listen... She's telling you she needs space... SPACE! Not calling everyday and chit chatting - space space space!!

She's a young girl and you're giving her waaaaay too much!! Remember that you need to keep something for yourself - if you do that, she'll want what's not there!! You're going to drive her away!!

For the love of god man be busy and this this disappear!!