[mrandall]

I have an ex husband who is a very messed up, moody, and self absorbed person. We divorced 6 years ago and have 5 beautiful, smart and happy kids. I met someone 9 months ago and we are quite serious and he loves the kids vice versa. My ex has been unbearble insuitating that my boyfriend should 'not' be alone with our girls, etc.. talking very bad about me (and I am a very good Mother)breaking our Separation Agreement. My daughter knows my boyfriend would not do something like that but she still feels weird now because her dad said that-he has no concept of not doing things mentally like that to our kids. What do I dod? It is making me crazy that he is saying things to the kids. He has no social life and makes them everything and even they are getting tired of it...

[talaniman]

I think you talk to your kids and show them how best to respectfully deal with their father. The will probably watching you for clues as to how to act. Give them a good example, and teach them unconditional love in an age appropriate way.

How old are they?

[Jake2008]

Presuming there were no problems prior to you having a new relationship, most likely your husband is feeling insecure, worried, and selfishly thinking and acting out his own fears, onto your children.

He feels a loss of control now that he is not the only man in your children's lives, and most importantly of all, a loss of power and influence over his role in their lives. He sees your boyfriend as a direct threat to his authority, and that in turn has put him in a 'me against him' mode, to make sure that the children remain loyal to his role as a parent.

The best way to maintain his role, as he sees it, is through you, which is right where the information he feeds the kids, goes. If he can upset you, threaten you, accuse your boyfriend or imply your boyfriend, is some sort of freak with the ridiculous and continuous feed of information from the kids, he will do that.

It is behaviour that I'm sure you saw from him in other ways, and was part of why you're not with him now.

Do some research on 'parental alienation' for further information on how this is affecting your children.

I would also suggest that you start keeping a written accounting of what the kids come home with, in a private notebook. You could consider enlisting the help of a child therapist to assist in letting the kids vent and express their fears and concerns (I doubt you know all that he has said), in a constructive way.

Try not to engage the children in 'he's wrong, I'm right'. What your ex is doing likely won't stop without some intervention. The children need to learn how to cope with your ex husband's behaviour, and to also have to cope with you defending yourself and your boyfriend to them, only adds to the realm of the kids being in an inappropriate place emotionally, trying to keep the peace between both their parents.

You can also speak directly to your ex, and tell him that you have set up counselling for the kids, so that they can better deal with the incorrect information that they are being sent home to you with. Offer only the facts, don't get into arguing with him. Keep the kids well-being front and centre.

If it is at all possible, ask him if he would be willing to meet with you, and your boyfriend. If he is not willing, then that says much about his willingness to tackle this serious issue, and more reason for you to get the kids into counselling with a professional.

Don't let your ex threaten and intimidate you, and don't be defending yourself against his accusations, particularly to the children. This has nothing to do with them.

And lastly, stop feeling that you are helpless in changing or stopping the behaviour of your ex, and don't underestimate the damage he is doing to his children. You and your boyfriend need to put perspective and positive change in motion; you have a long way to go with your ex before the children are adults.

[Fr_Chuck]

Of course you tell him to stop, be direct, explain that this is a violation of your divorce agreement and child custody agreement.

Explain that you don't want to, but you will have to take him back to court for contempt and even ask for changes in visitation if he does not stop this behavior.

[RHO1953]

You can't really stop this kind of thing. You are showing your own self doubts, your kids aren't going to be turned against you. Take the pressure off your kids on your end. Your kids will figure it out, kids are smart. You will be the beneficiary in the end.