[SkittishOne]

I was sexually abused by my cousin when I was young.(Same old crap and same old tricks)I can't be sure of my exact age.9-11 along the lines.Tried to repress as much as I could.I'll be 19 in November,I lived lately under the guise that there WAS a statue that I had been to scared and waited to long,and there was nothing I could do.He didn't just do things to me once (sounds silly but I want to make that clear,it wasn't a one time thing for him) he did a lot of things to me that cause and caused me so many problems.Now that I'm older,I realize I kept my secret for so long,because I was so scared and a "statistic" when I look at all the signs and problems that sexually abused children seem to get,I realize I have so many of them,that everything I thought was so broken and wrong with me always comes back to one thing.What he did to me,and managed to have me pushed into a corner and "twist" the truth in front of my mother (I didn't have a strong bond with her,they sat him,myself,and his parents,my step father who was beating me at the time,and a woman (my mother) I didn't trust/have a bond with)Basically confronted with having to discuss the disgusting things he did to me,being so young I said he "tried" to touch me.I wasn't really versed on sexual abuse as a child,which is how he managed to fool me enough to make it more then once,and how they managed to scare me with that into not being completely honest.I was scared enough to tell anyone,let alone recount the details with him glaring at me across the table,two grown women,two grown men,(his parents were very quick to point out surely I'm making the WHOLE thing up)The things he did,lead me now to believe being older,and trying to help people in anyway I can,that he should be punished.I'm just wondering,to take this and report it,would anything happen?Has it really been to long?I'm thoroughly scared of repeating this face to face with people,but I'd do it knowing it was the right thing.I just need to know if there's anything else I can do/should do.

[joypulv]

There is no time limit, it just gets more and more difficult to prove your case. Since you do have family on both sides who sat at a table listening to something, even if it was not the whole truth, might make this a little more possible. Who were the 'they' who sat you all down? What state or other locale is this? Do you know where the cousin is now?

[SkittishOne]

Yeah,he lives about 30 minutes away in the same place (with his parents) that they lived in while he was abusing me (at the time I lived in the same area as him and his family)

The "they" was my mother,her boyfriend at the time,him,and his parents.
My mother does know the full truth now,though I doubt that matters too much as it was just her and I when I told her.As for where,Canada (NB).

[excon]

The things he did,lead me now to believe being older,and trying to help people in anyway I can,that he should be punished.I'm just wondering,to take this and report it,would anything happen?Has it really been to long?I'm thoroughly scared of repeating this face to face with people,but I'd do it knowing it was the right thing.I just need to know if there's anything else I can do/should do.

Hello S:

He SHOULD be punished... But, are you the one to do it? As WRONG as it is, they'll make YOU out to be the bad guy. It's NOT just going to be a simple matter of calling the cops and that's it... You're going to be taken through the mill. If there's a trial, you WILL have to confront him face to face...

Or, he might cop to it right away and you'll be out of it. There's no way to tell. I'm NOT trying to dissuade you. I'm just trying to prepare you for the POSSIBILITIES. If you're up for it, it IS the RIGHT thing to do.

Then again, once you report it, they very well might say that it HAS been too long, or there's no evidence, or otherwise brush you off. The only way to find out absolutely, IS to report it.

excon

[Fr_Chuck]

There are statue of limitations, they vary by state if in the US. But each state has its own rules, some I understand don't start dates till it is reported or till a person is 18.
But then the longer you wait, the less evidence there is.

If you have not gotten counseling, I would, and I would also be sure I did not keep it a secret

[SkittishOne]

Thanks I guess,I found this place accidentally.

I've never been to court or anything obviously (have no idea how it works or anything like that)

Really have no idea what to expect,I know the odds of him just coping to it after all this time are slim.. I was just hoping maybe something good would come of it,unfortunately that's what I see often,victims becoming the bad guy,which worries me.No idea what that could do to me emotionally.I really appreciate the help.. and as for therapy,when I did tell my own mother the truth,I didn't even do it face to face because it's so difficult for me,Therapy is pretty out of the question.I don't exactly know what I'm hoping for,I've seen things where people go for money etc',which really isn't what I want,I'd like to see him in jail,I know it's to late for that.Blemished record of some sort perhaps?Something so people know the truth is really all I want,it makes me sleepless worried about what he could have done to other kids while I was being a coward.Anymore advice or whatever is definitely appreciated on this end.

[Fr_Chuck]

I hope you will decide to talk to a therapist. This can cause you to have relationship and sexual problems with a good partner when that time comes. Often without you knowing it, it can be minor things that reminds you of it, a touch, a word said, and you may not even realize it is the reason you are getting mad or having anger issues.

Next a professional has heard it all, and does not make judgement and allows you to take your time.

[SkittishOne]

Unfortunate,but I alread know about all the problems it's caused,body issues,eating disorders,certain sexual acts that burst me to tears,nightmares,anxiety,depression.I was medicated for some problems previously,but it wasn't helpful,I'm sure it's because it can do a lot;but it can't erase the memories always on the surface.I know all about the issues with being touched,anger,there's a lot of problems I have.I finally snapped and got so sick of just hiding it when I saw his mother two days ago.Just seeing her,I got the shakes,quivers,and quickly scattered to my empty home,to do what I've done a million times,turn on the shower,hop in and just cry myself sick because I.So tired of living with a secret like this,and being the one running and scared while they don't even try to stay away and let me try to live in peace (she was visiting someone in the neighborhood and the ONE time I went outside during the day in weeks to go for a walk,I see her.. Go figure)I know she knows what he is,I don't know what was worse,that she looked right through me with a blank stare or that she and her family hold strong to the belief everything's just blown over and they can come around myself and try to be friendly with my close family.Just tired of being the one to suffer when I know he did this,and they all helped cover it up.. and got me to do it too.

[Fr_Chuck]

You are not alone, many women and men have had a lot of misery in their life from both love ones and strangers.
It can be over come, and takes work over many years, I will not try and tell you how, since you need a professional for that. ( locally) Also there are support groups.

And while not the same, myself and 1000s of others have done and seen things in war that no one should ever see ( or have to do) so many of us have our "ghosts" and terrors in the middle of the night. Mine lead to years of drinking and broken marriages. It took years of working on it, one day at a time.

[joypulv]

THERE IS NO STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT IN CANADA.
So please, press charges. Write a list of times and events, even if you aren't sure of exact numbers. It will help you talk. Walk into a police station and ask to talk to a detective. Find a women's abuse help center. Go online for such places in Canada (the one I saw first was for college students, but they are in many places). Stop putting up with the empty stares, which are merely designed to be a showdown of who wins, with you being the one who crawls into the shower. Get some anger going in you. That's what a therapist can help with. Controlled, productive, anger.

[ScottGem]

I'm going to have to dissent here. I'm not trying to minimize what happened to you, but I don't think we have enough details to urge you to report it. For example, was this a one time event or an ongoing thing? How old was he at the time? What actually occurred (I'm not expecting you to answer that one)? These things and others can determine if there is a prosecutable offense.

That's why I agree with Chuck. I think you need to talk to a therapist, experienced in these matters. Let the therapist advise you whether to pursue prosecution. Since, as Joy pointed out, there is no SOL, you are not pressed for time to report it. This is too important both to you and him to report this.

[SkittishOne]

@ScottGem.If you actually read what I said,you'll see that I said it wasn't a one time event.How old exactly he was I couldn't say,it really hasn't been my lifes mission to totally keep up track with anything to do with him,and I was young myself.It's not as though I thought to ask really.I know he was much,much older then me.As for telling exactly what happened,I'm glad you don't expect an answer.Hopefully I can make it clear to you that they were things that aren't the kinds of things a therapy will just "erase" out,and make okay for me.As much as I tried to repress them,I unfortunately can't.How it's important to him I can't fathom,considering he got to walk away and move on with his life.

[SkittishOne]

I really want to thank everyone for all of this,honestly I'm really scared to see someone about it and talk to a complete stranger,but I'd have to do it anyway.All the things he did are less like scars,more like bleeding stab wounds,it's hard to talk about to anyone face to face,and I'm pretty sure I never have.The time I told my mother the full truth,I had to do over the computer.Other then a few crying fits and tossing blame,I've only told a few friends at a far distance,and only with one person fully in detail in all this time.This is definitely going to be the hardest thing I've ever done,just hope I can and I don't get the "stare downs" again,and back out from fear.

[joypulv]

Therapy isn't there to erase anything. It's to give you strength and insight. It's to give you what you ask for.
Talking with a stranger (female would be best but not vital) has tremendous advantage. This will be someone trained to listen without being emotionally involved (although of course there is bound to be some feeling), to not judge, and to guide. Often the first thing they will ask is 'How can I help you?' and it's your job to say either I want to try to just heal the wounds or I want to press charges and need to know what I am facing as well as heal. You might get the amount of help you need to get started in just a few sessions, whereas the whole healing process can take years or a lifetime. A good therapist tells you when you don't need her anymore. Often times a group therapy of women in similar situations is as good or better as individual therapy.

[ScottGem]

First, I apologize, I didn't catch that you had said it happened more than once. And I do appreciate your clarifying the other points since they help me form a clearer picture. You do have to understand that there have been many cases of these repressed memories coming to light only to have been proven false. So yes this would be important to him since it can ruin his life. I needed to be sure that this wasn't a one time case of "playing doctor" before I could support going to the police.

Giving that he was much older and that it happened multiple times, then I would strongly support reporting it. But you have to realize that this WILL mean telling what happened in fairly graphic detail. It WILL mean that you will be required to talk with a therapist, either by the courts or by the defense if it comes to a trial. It MAY mean that the prosecutor may decline to prosecute if he doesn't find your story credible enough to stand up in court.

These and other factors need to be considered. That's why I still think you need to talk to a therapist first. You need to be prepared for what will be an ordeal that may even equal what you have experienced so far. On the other hand, successfully prosecuting him may give you the closure you need to go forward with your life.